The word "no" or even "wait" can be two of the hardest words to hear.
When Derek first applied to medical school over 7 years ago and didn't get in, that was a hard "no" to hear. Then again the second time the following year. The third time he applied he got wait-listed. We didn't get a definitive "yes" until 6 weeks before school started. That "wait" lasted from November until June and it was painful. Even the "yes" we got wasn't the one we were planning on or hoping for. We had planned and prayed to stay in California or at least on the West Coast. Landing in West Virginia was not something we had even considered. But it was God's plan, and He knows best. We can say that now in retrospect. It truly was for the best. We both grew so much in our marriage and met some truly amazing friends that we wouldn't have changed it now for the world. But during those months of waiting, and during those months of not knowing anyone within hundreds of miles, it was HARD. I used to ask God, "WHY?" all the time. It's very hard to trust in His plans at times, especially when you are having to wait or are answered "no."
Wanting to be transparent, as well as give God his due glory I have decided to open up about a subject that I have been having to be patient in and trust Him in no matter what the answer is. As many people know I have wanted to have a baby since I was practically a baby myself. We got Gracie (our dog) 9 months after getting married because the "baby bug" was getting to me so badly. We thought about trying after 2 years of marriage but then decided to wait and see what happened with Derek's medical school. Once he got accepted to WV we decided we should wait again because we didn't know what to expect. Again the "baby bug" reared it's head strongly in West Virginia three years ago and we actually tried to get pregnant for about 5 months before deciding to wait AGAIN since we found out we would be moving to Charleston for Derek's third and fourth years. We then got Bear (our second dog) to help comfort me in all the waiting.
Finally after the end of Derek's third year of medical school, many crying break downs on my part, and tons of prayer - we decided just over a year ago to really go ahead and try to get pregnant. (We didn't tell anyone because I really wanted to surprise people and not have anyone expecting it) I really thought that God had put the month June on my heart and it really helped me through the months of not being pregnant over the past year. I really felt that we would be pregnant in June once we got to Portland. Well, we got here, June came and left, and I am still not pregnant. I was crushed when June passed and very shocked. I never imagined it wouldn't happen easily for me, considering so many of my closest friends and family are all very fertile myrtles!
Wanting children has been a desire in me for as long as I can remember and the waiting has been one of the most excruciating experiences of my life. But whether my not being pregnant is a "wait" from God, or even a "no," I am trusting that God has the best in mind for me. Even the June thing was a blessing in that it got me through so many months and enabled me to have hope very easily. It allowed me to get through almost an entire year of trying and never feel too discouraged or defeated. This has really been an amazing experience of growing closer to God and knowing that whatever the outcome is, it will be for the best. I am hoping and praying that this time has simply been another "wait" period that will someday turn into a "yes." Each day is filled with it's own obstacles of not feeling down or defeated in not having a baby yet, but I know that God is good and He provides us with every good thing. I am so blessed with such an amazing husband, wonderful family, and great friends that I really can't complain. God has blessed me with more than I could have ever hoped for or imagined in so many ways and each day I try to choose to focus on those blessings and not on what I feel is missing. I do still hope and pray everyday that I will get pregnant, (and would appreciate anyone else's prayers as well!) but I do trust that it is all in God's plan and will work out for the best.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above." -James 1:17
Lindsey-
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing! You are such a woman of God! I admire your STRONG faith and determination. We all have our struggles, and yet as different as they may seem....they are all similar in that we all wait for God's answer, even if it is no. We've been experiencing that this year, more than once, and the only thing getting us through is knowing God has a plan and He holds our future, whatever that may be! Thanks so much for sharing and we'll pray for you guys :)
Thanks for sharing. Lindsey, I don’t want to minimize your situation, but I hope I can encourage you with a thought? I know it’s easier said than done (I am constantly forgetting to do this myself), but as I look back on struggles or times of silence from God, I just see how He ended up being faithful in the end and I need to remember that while I’m in it! He IS faithful. He’s ALWAYS faithful and He is always seeking you and waiting for you to see what He had planned and His purpose. I would encourage you to try to spend time listening in prayer and asking God why He is having you wait. Will it be for adoption? Fostering a child who is hoping for parents? Those two options are VERY far off, of course, since it hasn't been very long you've been trying...Or just to have an experience that can shape your future as a follower and a Christ-like woman? Ephesians 1:11-12 says “In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.” This doesn't mean that if you lose a job you'll get a better one, it means you will be made more like Jesus because of it! He will make this experience a part of His plan, you can be sure! He always works for the good in every situation. If you have time, listen to this sermon that you reminded me of. I listened to it twice after I heard it in church because it SO spoke to me and I think it could encourage you. http://rockharbor.org/resources/messages/mp3s/2010-04-18.mp3
ReplyDeletePlease let me know if you need a listening ear (I won't preach at you, I promise). :)
Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so honest and faithful to giving God glory. In reading your post, it is so evident that you know God is faithful, that you trust Him, and that you are doing just what He would have you do. Continually praying for you and Derek!