Since I last posted about a month ago a lot has grown, both in my belly size, as well as in my heart. The desire for this little guy has increased exponentially, which I'm very happy about. I've also grown a lot in my trust and surrendering department as well.
A little over a week ago I had a lovely little melt down regarding all this as well as a very healthy breakthrough on the whole surrendering and desire subject that I previously wrote about. I was sitting having my morning coffee and reading my book while enjoying the view, when I suddenly burst into tears for seemingly no reason. And we're talking hysterical - gasping for breath - crying tears. Processing it out, I had a good little look inside my tender heart and all the emotions it has been battling and growing in for some time now. Spoiler alert - it was a breath of fresh air to allow my heart to honestly feel everything this rollercoaster has presented in my journey, and allow myself to really feel all the feels openly. I'm super thankful for it and feel immensely better from it. This is what I wrote in those moments...
~ It's a mixture of love, desire, and fear. It reminds me of when I avoided saying yes to dating Derek for those, what he would describe as pain-stakingly long 2 months (almost 19 years ago). I remember being terrified of the inner knowledge I somehow had that if I opened myself up to my feelings for this man, that I would experience such a depth of love that I would be changed forever and at that time couldn't even comprehend. I feel like I'm at that gate again. Sometimes the love I feel towards Derek is so overwhelming it practically hurts. When we're not together (even just away at work) my heart often misses him in a way that is painful in it's desire to be near him. I can't imagine putting another human even close to that depth and it feels as though I'm not sure I have the capacity to. It scares me.
I also know there is a healthy boundary when it comes to loving a child that society tells us no longer exists. I'm scared to be tempted to love him too much and forget to hand him (and control) over to God constantly as he is His to love first. It's almost easier to detach a little right now since he's so intangible (besides this growing belly). But I know a day is coming when he'll be outside, and it will be impossible to separate these feelings. I want to make sure to love him well as God created me to. Not less, and not more. ~
Then immediately afterwards (timed not so coincidentally - thanks God!) I read this in my book, Desire by John Eldridge, and it resonated so perfectly for me as well as summed up exactly what I was feeling and needed to hear:
"One thing I have come to embrace is this: we have to let it go. The more comfortable we are with the mystery in our journey, the more rest we will know along the way... And if we are willing to let go, we'll discover something most surprising - that all is ours. That is why reaching to possess is one danger of which the heart alive must be wary. Those who have given up caring aren't tempted by this. But once we know what we want, we must learn the grace of release...
We place on the altar something very dear to us, something innocent, whose only danger is in its goodness, that we might come to love it too much. It is the act of consecration, where little by little or all at once, we give over our lives to the only One who can truly keep them...
True surrender is not an easy out, calling it quits early in the game. This kind of surrender comes only after the night of wrestling. It comes only after we open our hearts to care deeply. Then we choose to surrender, or give over our deepest desires to God. And with them, we give over our hearts, our deepest selves. The freedom and beauty and rest that follow are among the greatest of all surprises."
I can't express the freedom and rest I have felt since this sweet little meltdown and following reading. It was like God took me through the feelings and emotions on my own of exactly what was written in those pages only moments before I read them. They felt so comforting and reassuring and confirming in all of it. That I'm not crazy. That the feelings are normal and real and understandable. But most importantly they do not have to overtake me in a negative way. They can absolutely be healthy to have as long as I give them up to the Giver of them in the first place. He can take care of them much better than I can. It's honestly a relief to feel, and has made this pregnancy that much more enjoyable. Yes, I can honestly say I am even enjoying this ride now. I truly never thought I would experience pregnancy, and most days still can't even, but I can also say that I feel so in awe and wonder at the blessing of this miracle growing inside me and can't wait to meet him in God's perfect timing.
"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7
