Monday, November 5, 2012

Need You Now

I was driving to work at the winery yesterday and listening to the radio when Plumb's song, "I need you now" came on (which I love!) and it really made me think. The drive out to the winery is so beautiful and peaceful that I feel like songs can tug on my heart and allow God to speak to me in different ways than when I'm rushing around to get groceries or gas. It's just so beautiful and allows the words of songs to settle in my soul more completely.

Anyways...I heard this song and it really made me think about how much God uses our circumstances, whatever they may be, to grow us individually into the people He created us to be and also closer to Him. I think of how many times I've prayed for him to take away my infertility or other circumstances but looking back I can see so many areas of growth in myself that honestly I agree with Him for not taking them away thus far. When we don't allow Him to work good in our circumstances they just plain stink and there is absolutely no good in it. But when we accept His will and our circumstances, it allows Him to work good in us even out of the worst. Only then can we experience His true peace and joy that He has for us. This has been my experience over the past six months and I am striving to have it continue to be on a daily basis. It's not easy. It's very hard and painful at times....often times. But with acceptance comes great relief and fulfillment that can only be known through God. He has been blessing me and showing me ways I can serve and give of myself to others even in small ways and it has been amazingly fulfilling. Things I have never thought of before or cared to. I feel as though I maybe never took the time to listen to His still small voice prodding me in ways to reach out to others.

One simple small recent example was on my way home from the winery I stopped for gas (here in Oregon you can't pump your own gas) and normally I just sit in my car staring out the window. But last night I felt like I should talk to the guy pumping my gas (which I never do). He was super cranky and in a bad mood so I didn't say anything more and sat my head back against my head rest to wait. Then suddenly he walked up to my window and apologized and proceeded to tell me a long sad story about why he was in a bad mood. When the gas was filled and he ended his story I felt like I should give him a $5 tip (I never tip the gas guys normally). So I decided I'm going to listen to that still small voice and give it to him. I did and also told him I would be praying for him and his wife and their situation (a family members death). His face was pure shock. He teared up and looked like I'd just given him a million bucks. He was so incredibly thankful and told me he wanted to hug me (which I told him was not he proceeded to tell me he was giving me a "mind hug" then!). It was incredible how thankful he was and that I got to be the bearer of such a small blessing but the receiver of such a huge thank you and able to change his day. It was overwhelming how appreciative he was. I was super teared up on my drive home and in such awe of the whole situation. I'm trying to listen more because when I do, God does amazing things.

Here's the song's so powerful. (Please listen to it!)

Saturday, November 3, 2012

It's been awhile...

I have taken somewhat of a break from the blog world over the past half a year (I can't believe it's really been that long!) and while I have thought to write a few has somehow escaped me. Now I sit here after 6 months and don't have too much new to update but felt that some sort of update was necessary. I think the main reason for not writing much is that the writing has been a large part of my processing through infertility and the idea of adoption. And although those subjects are not completely closed...they are really not open either. The surmounting peace God has given me over the past 6 months has been incredible and I feel like I have been able to live life more fully and experience His blessings more completely than I had in a long time. God has given me an amazing rest from the burden of my fears and sadness over these subjects. While they do still pop up every now and then....for the most part my heart and my brain have both been at rest over it....which is why I have not had to process write for so long! (But I will try to be better and write a little more often) :)

I know that infertility is a delicate subject and I am so thankful to my family and friends for always being so supportive and sensitive to me. I am so blessed by all of you. I know that questions often roll around in your minds and not wanting to upset me, you patiently wait for me to give updates. So I apologize for not updating more often....but sadly and thankfully I have no new updates. (Sad that still no children, but thankful that I am still at peace with it!) So I thought I would recap where we are on this journey of our lives that God has so abundantly blessed us with....

God has continued to make it abundantly clear to us that now is not the time for us to pursue additional means of expanding our family, by fertility assistance or by adoption. By no means do we feel this is a forever plan but for now in this moment we feel completely confirmed and at peace that this is what we are supposed to do. To wait. What we are waiting for we don't know, but we choose to trust in the One who created us and has a plan for our lives. Since coming to terms with this completely over the past 6 months or so, I have been more at peace regarding this subject than ever before. It is such a freeing feeling not to fight God on this subject and try my own plans and ideas. Since submitting to His will regarding this I have been more free and able to discuss it and be around babies than since we began trying many years ago.

This doesn't mean I don't still long for a child and to be a mother someday, or that my heart doesn't drop into my stomach on certain occasions over a new pregnancy announcement or a motherly Facebook comment...because that still happens. Pretty often. The difference is this is the first time I have completely and wholly believed and trusted that this is exactly God's plan for me. It is the first time I have been able to fully and completely experience Gods abounding grace and peace regarding this situation with no doubts and no struggle against my own will. It is complete and full submission to God's plan and He has abundantly blessed me in return and through this entire experience, and continues to on a daily basis. His presence is more real for me now than ever before. I could not exist or deal with my circumstances let alone flourish and be joyful in them without Him. And I am so very thankful.

Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; 
Unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman keeps awake in vain. 
Psalm 127:1

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13

My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
Psalm 62:5-6