Ebbs & Flows

Sometimes I feel like my feelings / hormones are like tidal waves ebbing and flowing. The waves pull out to sea and far away from the beach for just long enough for me to get comfy and used to it, before they come slamming back onto the shore. I do know that this also very clearly correlates with the "red tidal flow" that is due any day now (most likely today because the normal signs are already here) but somehow that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I've had such a great month of feeling filled with God's peace in my infertility circumstances. It's really been an amazing month. So it makes it feel so much more frustrating and defeating to realize the waves are suddenly back on the beach and ever so slightly pounding me. It's by no means even close to as bad as it has gotten in the past, but it just seems so contrasting to this past month that has been so amazing. I almost forgot what that pit-in-my-stomach-wanting-a-baby feels like. But now I remember. It literally makes me welcome the stupid "red tidal flow" just so I'm not so filled with the crazy hormones!

In my devotional today it talked about the "joy of discovery" and how "Paul did not discover the strength to leave his circumstances; he discovered the strength to stay!" I completely agree. Some days just dealing with the circumstances of life, infertility, whatever you may be dealing with, seem exhausting. But in persevering through those waves and continuing to strive towards God and hang on to Him, those waves will wash back out to sea and He will give us the strength to discover that blissful joy even in our current circumstances once again!

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

Moses grew weary too!

"But Moses' hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun." -Exodus 17:12

We all grow weary. I didn't realize how weary I had grown about the infertility subject until this past week when I had to come to terms with telling 3 separate people that I couldn't go to their baby showers. One of which was my very close friend and it was extremely trying on us both. However, through this I have realized so much about myself and that infertility is a part of me that I will never be able to get away from completely. It's not something I need to hide from, pretend isn't there, or avoid. I don't need to feel embarrassed or ashamed about it. I've realized it's a part of me and it's okay to be honest about it.

It has been such a freeing week to be able to come clean about this not only to others but more so to myself. I didn't realize how big of a deal this was until I opened up about it and realized it's not so bad to embrace it. And it actually makes it much easier to deal with when I do.

I loved reading the verse above this morning in my "reading the bible in a year" reading (yes I'm still on track and keeping up with it! Whoo hoo!). I loved seeing how Moses couldn't keep his hands up by himself (backstory: he needed to keep his hands raised holding God's staff for them to win a battle, when his hands dropped they would start to lose, when they went back up they were winning). He needed others to help him do it. He had to be honest about his weakness and admit he couldn't do it. He didn't try to pretend he could or avoid it or sulk in embarrassment that he wasn't stronger - he admitted what he couldn't do. Which made it easier for others to help him because they knew what he needed. Which turned out well for them all because they won the battle.

This has echoed my life so perfectly right now in opening up about the true reality of my infertility situation. I feel so free in being able to not hide behind it and talk openly with everyone about it. I've found some amazing infertility blogs and even a web series about it that literally made me laugh out loud. This has been a major turning point for me and I'm so glad to be able to share openly and not feel bad that this is who I am.

Here are some awesome posts I found about infertility that I think are really great to read:
10 things not to say to an infertile couple
5 more things not to say
Supportive things to say to an infertile couple

Strong Enough

I'm constantly learning new things about myself on this journey of not having children yet and one thing I've recently learned is that I'm not always going to be able to handle this fact perfectly. I'm very good at convincing myself I'm okay and don't care that I don't have kids and then I see one pregnant lady at the grocery store or a chubby faced baby at church and suddenly unexpected tears are escaping all down my face. It amazes me how out of the blue it can happen and it reminds me that the hurt is still there even when I don't think I'm feeling it on the surface.

I'm also learning that it's a confusing situation and constantly evolving. I think I have it pegged perfectly and then suddenly things seem to change. I can genuinely be doing great one second and a mess the next. I'm learning I just can't try to put it in a box and say I've got it figured out and that's okay. It's okay for me to be honest to myself and to others and say I don't always feel together and that's okay. I like to be the fun, happy person with good news. I hate being the downer person who has to disappoint people sometimes because I can't be there for them - especially all the people in my life who are pregnant right now. Some days I can be there and others I am not going to be able to. And I'm learning I have to be honest about that to myself as well as to others and pray they can understand.

One thing that is a big distinction however is that I do believe this is the exact path God has me on for a reason. I truly do. I don't think this is a mistake or that He's forgotten about me or that there's a simple fertility measure that was overlooked that we haven't done correctly or timed perfectly. I think I'm not pregnant because I'm not supposed to be at this moment in time. God promises He has a plan for us....but He doesn't promise it's exactly as we think it should be. I see positive reasons that I'm not pregnant right now almost daily and I feel completely at peace about it. That doesn't mean that I don't still cry or that baby showers suddenly aren't too painful for me to attend. It means I'm human and have human emotions that I can't deal with on my own. But with God and His strength I can truly be at peace in my situation and circumstance - whatever that may be throughout my life. For right now it's about infertility...tomorrow it could be something else. Regardless what it's about, I can't do this life without God's strength. One of my new favorite songs (below) states it perfectly by Matthew West called "Strong Enough." I absolutely love the words.