I'm constantly learning new things about myself on this journey of not having children yet and one thing I've recently learned is that I'm not always going to be able to handle this fact perfectly. I'm very good at convincing myself I'm okay and don't care that I don't have kids and then I see one pregnant lady at the grocery store or a chubby faced baby at church and suddenly unexpected tears are escaping all down my face. It amazes me how out of the blue it can happen and it reminds me that the hurt is still there even when I don't think I'm feeling it on the surface.
I'm also learning that it's a confusing situation and constantly evolving. I think I have it pegged perfectly and then suddenly things seem to change. I can genuinely be doing great one second and a mess the next. I'm learning I just can't try to put it in a box and say I've got it figured out and that's okay. It's okay for me to be honest to myself and to others and say I don't always feel together and that's okay. I like to be the fun, happy person with good news. I hate being the downer person who has to disappoint people sometimes because I can't be there for them - especially all the people in my life who are pregnant right now. Some days I can be there and others I am not going to be able to. And I'm learning I have to be honest about that to myself as well as to others and pray they can understand.
One thing that is a big distinction however is that I do believe this is the exact path God has me on for a reason. I truly do. I don't think this is a mistake or that He's forgotten about me or that there's a simple fertility measure that was overlooked that we haven't done correctly or timed perfectly. I think I'm not pregnant because I'm not supposed to be at this moment in time. God promises He has a plan for us....but He doesn't promise it's exactly as we think it should be. I see positive reasons that I'm not pregnant right now almost daily and I feel completely at peace about it. That doesn't mean that I don't still cry or that baby showers suddenly aren't too painful for me to attend. It means I'm human and have human emotions that I can't deal with on my own. But with God and His strength I can truly be at peace in my situation and circumstance - whatever that may be throughout my life. For right now it's about infertility...tomorrow it could be something else. Regardless what it's about, I can't do this life without God's strength. One of my new favorite songs (below) states it perfectly by Matthew West called "Strong Enough." I absolutely love the words.