New Blog Name

 I just realized after talking to a friend that I never posted that I switched my blog name! I decided it was time for a fresh start ... in January 2020! Sorry I never posted that for anyone else who might have been wondering where I went! Please email me at linmclark2@yahoo.com for the new blog info and I will be happy to send you a link!! 💗

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Halfway There

Since I last posted about a month ago a lot has grown, both in my belly size, as well as in my heart. The desire for this little guy has increased exponentially, which I'm very happy about. I've also grown a lot in my trust and surrendering department as well. 

A little over a week ago I had a lovely little melt down regarding all this as well as a very healthy breakthrough on the whole surrendering and desire subject that I previously wrote about. I was sitting having my morning coffee and reading my book while enjoying the view, when I suddenly burst into tears for seemingly no reason. And we're talking hysterical - gasping for breath - crying tears. Processing it out, I had a good little look inside my tender heart and all the emotions it has been battling and growing in for some time now. Spoiler alert - it was a breath of fresh air to allow my heart to honestly feel everything this rollercoaster has presented in my journey, and allow myself to really feel all the feels openly. I'm super thankful for it and feel immensely better from it. This is what I wrote in those moments...

     ~   It's a mixture of love, desire, and fear. It reminds me of when I avoided saying yes to dating Derek for those, what he would describe as pain-stakingly long 2 months (almost 19 years ago). I remember being terrified of the inner knowledge I somehow had that if I opened myself up to my feelings for this man, that I would experience such a depth of love that I would be changed forever and at that time couldn't even comprehend. I feel like I'm at that gate again. Sometimes the love I feel towards Derek is so overwhelming it practically hurts. When we're not together (even just away at work) my heart often misses him in a way that is painful in it's desire to be near him. I can't imagine putting another human even close to that depth and it feels as though I'm not sure I have the capacity to. It scares me. 

  I also know there is a healthy boundary when it comes to loving a child that society tells us no longer exists. I'm scared to be tempted to love him too much and forget to hand him (and control) over to God constantly as he is His to love first. It's almost easier to detach a little right now since he's so intangible (besides this growing belly). But I know a day is coming when he'll be outside, and it will be impossible to separate these feelings. I want to make sure to love him well as God created me to. Not less, and not more.   ~

Then immediately afterwards (timed not so coincidentally - thanks God!) I read this in my book, Desire by John Eldridge, and it resonated so perfectly for me as well as summed up exactly what I was feeling and needed to hear: 

"One thing I have come to embrace is this: we have to let it go. The more comfortable we are with the mystery in our journey, the more rest we will know along the way... And if we are willing to let go, we'll discover something most surprising - that all is ours. That is why reaching to possess is one danger of which the heart alive must be wary. Those who have given up caring aren't tempted by this. But once we know what we want, we must learn the grace of release...

We place on the altar something very dear to us, something innocent, whose only danger is in its goodness, that we might come to love it too much. It is the act of consecration, where little by little or all at once, we give over our lives to the only One who can truly keep them...

True surrender is not an easy out, calling it quits early in the game. This kind of surrender comes only after the night of wrestling. It comes only after we open our hearts to care deeply. Then we choose to surrender, or give over our deepest desires to God. And with them, we give over our hearts, our deepest selves. The freedom and beauty and rest that follow are among the greatest of all surprises."

I can't express the freedom and rest I have felt since this sweet little meltdown and following reading. It was like God took me through the feelings and emotions on my own of exactly what was written in those pages only moments before I read them. They felt so comforting and reassuring and confirming in all of it. That I'm not crazy. That the feelings are normal and real and understandable. But most importantly they do not have to overtake me in a negative way. They can absolutely be healthy to have as long as I give them up to the Giver of them in the first place. He can take care of them much better than I can. It's honestly a relief to feel, and has made this pregnancy that much more enjoyable. Yes, I can honestly say I am even enjoying this ride now. I truly never thought I would experience pregnancy, and most days still can't even, but I can also say that I feel so in awe and wonder at the blessing of this miracle growing inside me and can't wait to meet him in God's perfect timing. 

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

Philippians 4:6-7

Surrender

Reading the Christmas story and how Mary responded to hearing she was having an unplanned baby, it's quite amazing how immediately she was able to surrender her future plans, her fears of what others would think, if she could handle it, whether her fiancé would stay with her, or even if she wanted this major change in her life at all. Her response was simply pure, immediate surrender to God and then went on to give Him glory because she trusted in Him and His plans so completely. 

Even though I did none of the above responses, I am grateful to have moved past the shock and denial of my immediate response, and to have been able to surrender those early feelings. (If you haven't read my last blog post, it explains in more detail that I've even moved into loving this little monster now!! 💙) I'm so thankful that I do feel thankful for this unexpected surprise now, and can even call it a blessing. 

This subject of surrender has come up a lot recently and it has made me realize the importance of it in my life right now (as well as always), and especially with all these new current changes going on. I previously had learned to surrender my plans of wanting a child to God and He blessed that through giving us peace and joy in not having kids. In complete contrast, I have now pretty much surrendered the whole, "we're not having kids" plans of our lives and am currently trusting in His plan with this pregnancy. However, I am now realizing that I once again am having to learn to surrender again in a whole new way. 

I am having to surrender the now growing desire to actually have this child. When I wasn't excited about the pregnancy, it was easy not to worry about the future of it or even think of it as a real future plan (or honestly even care too much about it). But after much time passing, learning the "it" is in fact a "he," and now coming to terms with the growing love we're both experiencing for him ... there is the new desire to have and hold this child which comes with the temptation to worry it won't actually happen, or that I have any sort of control to hold onto this plan and be in charge of it. Why I would think I could possibly have control over it now, considering this subject of infertility/fertility has been such a clear area of us NOT being in control, is beyond me. Apparently I'm a slow learner. 

Surrender is such a hard thing to do. It doesn't happen easily (at least not to me) in any relationship or situation. I read in a devotional the other day a great definition of surrender: "To yield to the power of another." That's difficult. Especially when there are desires involved. It causes us to give up our (perceived) control and trust in another to take care of things in our lives. This does not come naturally for many people and especially not me. It's much easier to deny that the desires even exist than be vulnerable with how we really feel ... or stress and try to take over control rather than trust in another, even when that "other" is God who is way more qualified to be in control! 

Years ago I had to surrender my desires for a child and finally (after many years) was able to do that successfully. For years I wanted a baby so badly I literally thought I would die if I didn't have one. I mean, it was bad. There was a period of time there that Derek was worried I might actually abduct a child ... as in when he'd hear there was a code pink at the hospital (a stolen / missing baby lockdown) he'd wonder where I was! (Only slightly kidding) But I finally (after many years of prayer and trusting) handed those desires over to God and thankfully got to that place of being at peace without kids ... because I finally realized that God can be trusted with control over my future and desires, and that He has a plan for me that can be trusted in. 

As you know, I have once again had to surrender those opposite desires for not having children to God now that He has placed a miracle baby in my womb (oh the Lindsey of years ago would scream at me to even read that this was a surrender issue for me!). I feel that again I have pretty much completely surrendered to God in trust finally, and have fully given in to the excitement and love for this child (why do these lessons take so long for me to learn!?). I've also had to surrender the whole eating and body changing issues (which is a constant work in progress). Monday night I backslid a little on having this one under control and was crying when Derek got home because I felt full but hungry (and super uncomfortable...my belly already feels like there's not much room in there) and couldn't figure out what to eat, or even if I wanted to eat. Yeah...still working on that one but trying really hard!

Now I'm realizing that I once again am having to surrender a new desire. A big one. I actually desire this baby to come to be and since I have a deep desire for that, the temptation to fear the loss of the desire (aka baby) wants to creep in. If you don't want something, or don't care either way, you don't fear the loss of it. But if you do want something, then there is the possibility of loss. This is a common theme in life and one that I felt I learned over and over again monthly through infertility. Each month I felt a huge loss wanting so badly for there not to be a period at the end of it. 

I know that God brought this baby into being and he is His to take care of. And I want to fully surrender that to God. (Obviously we're not in control considering we couldn't make a baby happen for the life of us for 15 years!) I'm just a work in progress in the learning department ... as usual. It is a little weird and bittersweet to be at this point because honestly I was pretty afraid in the beginning that I'd never feel the hopes and desires towards this baby that I used to feel back in the day when we were trying for kids. I wasn't sure I'd ever even have the desires I'm feeling already, which I am now convinced will continue to grow even more. So, I am truly thankful for these desires, but almost equally as frustrated at the fact that now I need to once again grow in the area of surrendering. Surrender is hard because it's growth. Growing is difficult. (My belly can also vouch for that) I truly am thankful for the growth, but also just trying to be honest that there is hard work involved as well. And I want to do the work. I know it's worth it. Some days it just feels a little more overwhelming than others ... especially with all these rouge hormones bouncing around in here!

However, one fun positive thing about growth and being on board with everything now is that this baby does keep growing and we are getting more attached with each passing day ... AND we've even decided on a name for this hungry little monster! I think that has also really helped my love grow for him and I definitely feel more connected to him calling him by name now. I'm pleased to introduce to you, our son, Nathan William Clark. 😍 

(December 17th, 2019 - Sucking his thumb already!)

(December 25th, 2019 - Little Christmas wave!)

"LORD, I know that people's lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps." Jeremiah 10:23

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

"Ah Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for you."

Jeremiah 32:17

"But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength; 

Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning,

For You have been my stronghold and a refuge in the day of my distress.
Psalm 59:16

A Shift

A weird thing happened right about when I hit the second trimester this past week. Besides the nausea being mostly gone (although I still have some weird food aversions including coconut, coffee, and most meats...and red wine still sounds TERRIBLE haha) and getting a lot more energy back (yes I have finally vacuumed our house!), I also started getting super teary and emotional. Yes, I know I was super teary and emotional in the beginning, but that was a sort of hysterical upset crying and crazy out of my mind emotional. It was more about being confused, scared, overwhelmed and in denial, and then purely hormonal when from about weeks 8-11 I cried at 7:30pm almost every night for no good reason. This has been different. Very different. It doesn't feel bad like it used to ... it feels weird and maybe still a little bit overwhelming, but very different. 

I think it's because I'm actually and maybe finally starting to feel a little exited about this baby. ...pause for dramatic effect... When I think about him ... and he actually feels like a "him" now, like a real live person (probably in part because he's sticking out so far already that I have to wear maternity pants now), my eyes well up with tears. And I feel this almost longing to feel him in my arms. I even looked up nursing swivel chairs yesterday (yes I know some of you are thinking I said I wasn't going to get any of the things ... well things can change!) and I have about four chairs sitting in my Amazon cart right now. 

I was texting with my cousin yesterday and telling her it still doesn't feel completely real yet and she said, "It's not real until that first night when you are home from the hospital and it's the middle of the night, they have just fed and are asleep in your arms. It's amazing. You are going to love it." And I totally burst out in tears. I felt like some totally foreign emotion came over my body and it was not the same as I've been feeling before. It felt ... good ... and there was a longing there that I haven't felt before. It's been so much easier to focus on the list of things I hear from people about how I'm not going to get sleep and my life is no longer my own and on and on about the negatives. Not to mention I was awfully negative to begin with myself in this whole process. But just hearing that sweet sentence broke through something in my heart and made me realize ... I think I'm falling in love with this baby. (Just writing that sentence out I had to stop halfway to seriously bawl out loud hysterically. I did read that people get more weepy in the second trimester ... maybe that's adding to this??) But really, I think I'm turning a corner. And I'm thankful for that, but it also feels a little scary at the same time. Ok a lot scary. Scary because it's still hard to completely comprehend this is really happening, and scared to want it to actually happen. 

There have been so many baby steps leading up to this point and I am so thankful for all of them. I have appreciated every aspect of every person and all the support I've received that has made this all feel so much more possible and able to deal with. From those who have supported my standoff-ness of the circumstances and have given me space to feel unattached, to those who have slowly challenged my mind and heart with talks about the baby and thoughtful gifts, to those who have unabashedly shown their immense joy and disregarded my hesitations completely. They have all had a perfect place in my getting to this moment in time and I am so incredibly thankful. Even the simple (and the extended) comments and messages I have received both privately and publicly from people telling me they have enjoyed reading this blog and following along on our journey have made moments of this all feel worthwhile. It has made me feel connected to others, and so not alone in a time when I was very tempted to feel exactly that. Especially with the surrounding circumstances of how he came about (I actually had "it" typed out there and deleted and rewrote "he." Praise...I'm getting better!) 

It's also been such a huge growth for Derek and I in so many ways. From me not being able to do as much as I normally do around the house and him picking up the slack majorly, to me being much more emotional, to my changing body. The body change has prompted many conversations between us because of my insecurities and the conversations have been incredible and have bonded us in ways that we have never experienced before. Discussing all these details and raw feelings with all these changes have been challenging but beautiful, and have made me even more thankful for the work we have done in the past to make our relationship a safe and open place to be completely real and discuss things together. The desire to be truly known and loved is crucial (and a lot of worthwhile hard work) in every relationship of any capacity, and to be able to walk through so much change and continue to feel known and loved is a blessing from God I cannot express my thanks for enough. I could not do this without Him and I am so thankful for this journey He has set before us. 

"Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery 

of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things." 

Ecclesiastes 11:5

"Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." 

Proverbs 3:6

Gender Reveal

So we decided to find out the sex of our baby as soon as was possible in hopes of bonding more with "it" and helping our brains to grasp more of the reality of our situation. In case you don't know how that's done, it's through a blood test. And in case you don't know my history, I very often faint when getting my blood taken. Yes, super fun.

The last time I got my blood taken (before this current time) was three years ago and I went by myself. I decided (for no good reason) that I would be fine this time and be able to stay conscious. Needless to say, I woke up in a lounge chair across the room from where I had been previously sitting getting my blood taken and had no recollection of any of it. So no, I wasn't fine or conscious.

This time Derek came with me but chose to stay in the waiting room (for who knows why). When I walked back into the "blood room" it was small and there was only a tall chair (no bed). I asked her if I could be moved somewhere and lay down for this since I tend to pass out. She said they didn't have one. I then asked her if I should get my husband since there was a good possibility he'd have to hold me up for the end of the "taking." She agreed that would be a good idea and Derek came into the room. She was so sweet and chatted me up, as well as did an outstanding job putting the needle in. I didn't even feel it. I don't ever watch, I don't look, I don't even think about it. So why this happens I don't completely understand other than I've been told it's a normal reaction some people get where their blood pressure just tanks out. After a few minutes I could feel that it was coming. My hearing starts to get super faint and then my vision becomes tunnel vision and I tried to say, "I'm about to faint!" Derek says it never got out of my mouth and I just passed out cold. Very cold. He moved forward and basically held me upright in the chair while the sweet lady finished taking my blood (so he tells me). Then they waiting for me to wake up. And waited. And waited. And waited. After a few minutes they decided my body needed some help getting blood back to my head (since my face was apparently a shade of gray/green), so Derek picked me up and carried me next door to a patient room with a bed in it (why couldn't we have just gone there in the beginning!?) and laid me down (again so he tells me). I vaguely remember someone asking me if my pillow was ok but it sounded like they were underwater and I felt like my face was super hot and almost as though I was going to throw up, so I don't think I even responded. I laid there for a good ten minutes before I could make out where I was. And even then it came back slowly and was super hard to focus on anyone. Derek even lifted up my feet over my head to help the process (get more blood back to my brain) and still it took forever. The phlebotomist said in 17 years she'd never seen someone pass out so hard and for so long. Yay me. 

In other words, this was quite the process just to get this information! But since they needed to take my blood to check all my blood work anyways, we figured might as well get that info too. We honestly had no preference on what we were having. We were just looking forward to not calling this baby "it" anymore as well as hoping to feel a little more connected to the reality of this all. I was also really hoping to be able to feel more connected to "it" after this info too. As hard as this has been for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I'm really and actually pregnant, calling the baby "it" has certainly not helped. It has made me feel a bit like we're talking about something fake and has only added to my subconscious assumptions that maybe this is in fact not reality, or someone else's reality. 

Since pretty much the beginning, Derek has thought it was a boy. I, however, didn't really have any thoughts on the matter since I think it's kinda silly when people say they think they know what it is since it's really just a 50/50 chance! Flip a coin and you have the exact same odds. But, over the past week or so I've also come to feel this settledness that it's a boy and almost like I was prepared for that to be the answer. However, I was also trying to remain completely open to whatever the outcome would be since honestly just having a gender figured out feels like having another huge stepping stone in our processing becoming reality.

They told us it would probably take 7-10 business days to find out from when the blood was taken. Of course I was hoping for earlier and thankfully on day 6, only about 30 minutes before Derek left to go work nights...we got the email! I almost had a heart attack. Even though it was just reading an email together I will be honest it was quite a rush. First in the email it listed that all the baby's other blood work came back normal and healthy which was such a HUGE blessing to see, and then it also included the fact that the Chromosome Y was detected. For those of you like me who had to think for a second what that means...it means that "it" is in fact a boy. 

I will say that finding out the gender has actually really helped my processing and it feels incredibly more real to me already. I also feel incredibly more connected to HIM. Which is still a little weird to say. Him. Wow. It makes me feel a little teary just saying it! Granted so does every commercial, song, and being hungry as well, so that might not be saying too much, haha. Really though, it has caught me a little off guard how much finding out has affected me in a positive way and has really diminished the shock and denial. 

The fact that Derek and I will have a son feels a bit surreal, but also really good. We're both excited and that alone is exciting in itself. We would have been great either way, but just knowing one way or the other feels like miles ahead for us in processing. It feels like we can envision this as a reality just a touch more. Which is huge for us. We are also excited to see what God does in this boy's life and what plans He has for us all. This is still so crazy, but we are thankful for this BOY and along for the ride!

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb." Psalm 139:13

Hunger Monster

I've always struggled with perfectionism, which can also be described as a struggle in wanting control over myself and situations. I like to have things how I like to have them, and I like to be good at the things I do. If I'm not good at something, I prefer not to even do it! (I'm not saying that's right, I know it's not, but that's part of my struggle). This pregnancy has brought this struggle to a whole new level in ways that are mindblowingly comical and also excruciatingly frustrating to me. Even with finding out I was pregnant and not having the reaction I felt I "should" brought on all sorts of new and crazy emotions. I've worked hard to give myself grace in those reactions and emotions over the past few weeks, and feel that to an extent I'm doing much better there. However, there are other new areas - more physical aspects now - that are proving to be a whole new challenge altogether.

Starting with one that I understand most people will think is ridiculous...being controlled by hunger. It feels like my stomach has turned into a monster. The fact that I have to have snacks next to my bedside because if I don't eat when it gets hungry either: 1) I am pretty sure I will throw up or 2) I can't stand up without almost fainting. I know it probably sounds crazy but I don't want to be controlled by hunger. It bugs me. And then it frustrates me...to the point of crying. Which yes, I have cried (multiple times) over the fact that I'm being controlled by a hunger monster in my belly. The real crazy of it is that I somehow feel I should be "better than that." Yes, you read that correctly. I want to be in control of my hunger and when I want to eat. But no, my body now says it's either going to throw itself on the floor by passing out, or make me run to the bathroom to vomit if I don't put food in it exactly when and how often it says. And I don't like that. It makes me feel out of control. 

Which I guess makes sense, because I am not in control. Obviously. 

I always thought when pregnant women said they "needed" to eat it was just that they "wanted" to eat. Like sure yeah food sounds great, "nom nom nom nom." Now, I realize it's more of a life or death situation and for some reason I can't stand being controlled by my hunger monster. Not to mention I'm not a foodie and honestly just get tired of eating sometimes. Derek saw me on the couch the other day and said my lips and face looked pale and wanted to know if I was feeling ok. I told him that no I was actually feeling super run down. He wanted to know if I'd eaten recently. My response, "No. But I don't want to." Then I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. It's like I've turned into a giant toddler! I don't know why I feel like this. If someone else was doing this I would probably laugh and encourage them to get over it and just EAT! 

Why do I get so frustrated at being controlled by my hunger now? I wonder if I would have felt this annoyed about being controlled by hunger had I got pregnant way back in the day when I actually wanted to be and maybe would have expected it? Is this a normal feeling to be annoyed by this? Or is this just my crazy perfectionism struggle wanting to be in control of myself? Or just simply my mind still not being able to completely wrap itself around the fact that it's not ME being crazy demanding of myself, but that there is actually something growing in me that needs nutrition. Whaaaat???! (That still sounds so crazy)

It really is hard for my mind to believe that this morning (really, all-day) sickness is due to pregnancy and not just some "other" issue. I'm constantly trying to figure out what's "wrong" with me aka the flu and all the other reasons I rationalized away in the beginning before I knew I was pregnant. Not to mention this sick feeling coupled with the fact that I've never felt so exhausted and depleted like this before feels a bit like I'm failing at something. What, I'm not sure of. But it certainly doesn't feel like I'm nailing perfection, that's for sure! I somehow think I should be able to force my body to have more energy and not feel like the only place I want to be is my little blanket cocoon I've made on the couch. It feels scary. Like, what if I never have energy ever again?

Just yesterday I woke (after a good 9 hours of sleep) and felt like I could go right back to sleep for another 9 hours. Instead I got up, had breakfast (hoping that would help - which it did not - and that made me cry a little out of frustration), and then proceeded to lay on the couch for 4 hours because I felt paralyzed I was so tired. After 4 hours (past my monster's feeding time) I realized I was only getting worse in the energy department and asked Derek if he wanted lunch. He said sure and asked what I wanted to do for lunch. My response? Hysterically crying because I had past the point-of-no-return and the hunger monster was doing it's worst, and I was out of control of it. It's crazy. (By the way, Derek cut up apples and cheese for me pretty much immediately and I was better within minutes) I even had looked at the clock an hour before thinking I should probably eat something but didn't want to "give in" to the feelings because no food sounded good and I was exhausted and I just plain and simple don't like being controlled. Wow. There it is. I don't like being controlled.

Growth is a funny thing. It's painful (ever heard of "growing pains?"). Just like this is painful. And this IS growth...literally and figuratively. I want to be good at growth. But not just in a perfectionism way. God brought this growth into my life and I want to respect it and use it for good and His glory. I don't want to let myself be a giant toddler and miss the ways I'm supposed to grow in, both physically and emotionally. Maybe that's how I need to look at this whole process more. Feeling hungry and controlled by this hunger monster isn't a bad thing...it's a growth opportunity. Both for literally feeding and growing this baby, as well as relinquishing control over my own desires and growing in ways God wants me to for His purposes. I want to grow and I want to feed both my soul in this process, as well as this sweet growing baby inside of me. Which right there, is growth in itself. I am learning to view this baby and process as good and sweet. I can even say I am genuinely thankful for this path God has put us on, even with all the crazy growth (and tears) along the way. 

"So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, 

but God who causes the growth." 

1 Corinthians 3:7

"Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your 

progress will be evident to all." 

1 Timothy 4:15

This Is Crazy

I am pregnant.

Three words I literally never thought I would speak out loud. 

After almost 15 years of infertility...coming to a place of not only peace, but of not even desiring to have children of my own anymore...and going through peri-menopause for the past year…we recently found out that I am pregnant.

I will be honest, this has been a major shock for us. The first week I was completely in denial. I will also be honest that this was no longer what we had planned for, let alone hoped for anymore in our lives for years, and it is taking some time to process. 

I have come to realize that there is a part of me (a very large part) that strongly identifies as “Infertile Lindsey.” It is who I identify as and I have come to love that part of me and how I can relate to others in all sorts of different ways because of it. I have also realized that reconciling that part of me to what is now “Fertile Lindsey” has been mind-blowingly difficult to say the least, and quite a bit painful if I’m completely vulnerable. There are parts of me that feel like a mean trick is being played on me and I literally don’t have a place in my brain to put the information. That part of my mind and imagination died and was buried many years ago. It was easier and much more plausible to believe my period was three weeks late due to menopause rather than pregnancy. So when I did find out I was already 7 weeks along. Even the exhaustion and nausea I had been experiencing for 2 weeks prior was easily rationalized away by a slew of excuses. Pregnancy never even crossed my mind as a reasonable option.  

I will be honest that this has been hard. Really hard. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally for both Derek and myself. Not just in the sense that our life has been completely turned upside down from anything we’ve imagined for years, but also in the sense that not being able to grasp something that is supposed to be such a special and wonderful surprise has been difficult. We don’t want to have a hard time adjusting. We’re trying to process as fast as we possibly can. But just like we couldn’t make me become pregnant in the timing we had hoped for so many years ago, we also cannot force our hearts and minds to get on the "confetti and fireworks train of excitement" in our own timing either. We are working on giving ourselves grace in that and trusting in God to bring us there in His perfect timing. 

There are so many aspects of our infertility journey that are affecting the lens of how we are able to see and process this all. I have realized that I am much more sensitive to pregnancy topics still than I would have ever imagined. I didn’t even want to take the pregnancy test when I did because I had such PTSD over hating the topic of them. They always disappointed me then, and to be honest, in a way did again. I couldn’t even look at the result after peeing on it and left the bathroom before the results could set in. Derek actually went in and saw it and had to come out to tell me the news. Again, wanting to be honestly transparent, I cried. Hard. This was certainly not the way we anticipated our plans to go. And even after the fact of knowing our path was going to look different, it was and is equally as hard not being able to have what I would consider "the right" reaction to it all. (I have cried multiple times simply because I was crying over the situation and being disappointed in myself that I was crying in the first place. Yes, it's a whole new level of crazy for me!) I even told a friend this morning on the phone that I can’t handle the idea of being called “mom” yet and that I’m much more comfortable with my name “Auntie” and maybe I’ll just have this baby call me that. (I’m technically kidding…but it’s still a process)

It's funny that we've always loved this verse, “The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9) Well this is certainly applying to our lives quite strongly right now! But it's no different than any other time we’ve had to put our trust in Him for seemingly crazy or new paths in our lives. We have trusted before and He’s always brought us through and exceeded our wildest dreams. So here we are again trusting in His way for us in a seemingly unbelievable turn of events in our lives. 

I trust that we will get there. I’m not afraid (well not completely) that we won’t. It feels crazy and ironic that God got us and brought us through infertility and now seems He is getting us and bringing us back in the opposite direction. I know I blogged in the past about my identity crisis in moving from a person wanting children so badly I thought I would die, to a person that became not only at peace with not having them, but to becoming a person that no longer desired to have children of my own. Now it seems that I am having another identity crisis in realizing I no longer can be that person regardless of how I feel / felt. 

It’s also been hard to come to grips with how much pregnancy announcements have hurt me in the past and how much I strongly desired not to ever be that person to potentially make another person sad over a pregnancy announcement. I didn’t realize how much pride I had come to have in “knowing” that I would “never” be that person who hurt another through an announcement like that. And now here I am, announcing that I am pregnant. It seriously feels like a joke. A very not nice one. Honestly for days after I found out I kept looking at the picture of the pregnancy test on my phone thinking that this has to have been the wildest dream I’ve ever had. There’s no way this is really reality. But according to the ultrasound I had a week ago and the clear heart beat on it as well as the constant nausea and exhaustion I’m feeling every day…it apparently actually is reality. Although it is seriously still a struggle to remember it's real. It feels like I'm constantly waking up from a daydream and having to figure out what's true and what's not. For example, I was just thinking about whether this is something I should even be sharing or not, and then literally had to pause to think, "Wait is this really happening? What am I even talking about?? Am I seriously pregnant???"

I know it will get better and we will remember it's real more naturally at some point (hopefully before the baby gets here!) and we're even miles further along than we were when we first found out. Each day and each small milestone has helped. Even other people's excitement over this baby helps us get further along. It's been a slow and steady process and we're trusting there's a reason even for that. 

One last crazy aspect of all this is that I started this blog over 10 years ago under the guise of sharing about our travels during the last year of Derek's medical school, but really anticipating that I would finally be pregnant any day and would get to turn it into a pregnancy / baby update blog for my friends and family. I always thought it was so funny that it ended up turning into basically an infertility blog for the most part. I have no idea what it will become now or how often or if I will even write more here, but it seemed fitting to share the honesty of our lives in this area as Derek and I have come to learn the immense importance and joy in being real and vulnerable and inviting others into the depths of our lives over the past few years. Thank you for supporting and loving us from far and near through our vulnerable ups and downs of this crazy and immensely blessed life Jesus has given us. 

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.' Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow ... Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that." 
James 4:13-15