I've always struggled with perfectionism, which can also be described as a struggle in wanting control over myself and situations. I like to have things how I like to have them, and I like to be good at the things I do. If I'm not good at something, I prefer not to even do it! (I'm not saying that's right, I know it's not, but that's part of my struggle). This pregnancy has brought this struggle to a whole new level in ways that are mindblowingly comical and also excruciatingly frustrating to me. Even with finding out I was pregnant and not having the reaction I felt I "should" brought on all sorts of new and crazy emotions. I've worked hard to give myself grace in those reactions and emotions over the past few weeks, and feel that to an extent I'm doing much better there. However, there are other new areas - more physical aspects now - that are proving to be a whole new challenge altogether.
Starting with one that I understand most people will think is ridiculous...being controlled by hunger. It feels like my stomach has turned into a monster. The fact that I have to have snacks next to my bedside because if I don't eat when it gets hungry either: 1) I am pretty sure I will throw up or 2) I can't stand up without almost fainting. I know it probably sounds crazy but I don't want to be controlled by hunger. It bugs me. And then it frustrates me...to the point of crying. Which yes, I have cried (multiple times) over the fact that I'm being controlled by a hunger monster in my belly. The real crazy of it is that I somehow feel I should be "better than that." Yes, you read that correctly. I want to be in control of my hunger and when I want to eat. But no, my body now says it's either going to throw itself on the floor by passing out, or make me run to the bathroom to vomit if I don't put food in it exactly when and how often it says. And I don't like that. It makes me feel out of control.
Which I guess makes sense, because I am not in control. Obviously.
I always thought when pregnant women said they "needed" to eat it was just that they "wanted" to eat. Like sure yeah food sounds great, "nom nom nom nom." Now, I realize it's more of a life or death situation and for some reason I can't stand being controlled by my hunger monster. Not to mention I'm not a foodie and honestly just get tired of eating sometimes. Derek saw me on the couch the other day and said my lips and face looked pale and wanted to know if I was feeling ok. I told him that no I was actually feeling super run down. He wanted to know if I'd eaten recently. My response, "No. But I don't want to." Then I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. It's like I've turned into a giant toddler! I don't know why I feel like this. If someone else was doing this I would probably laugh and encourage them to get over it and just EAT!
Why do I get so frustrated at being controlled by my hunger now? I wonder if I would have felt this annoyed about being controlled by hunger had I got pregnant way back in the day when I actually wanted to be and maybe would have expected it? Is this a normal feeling to be annoyed by this? Or is this just my crazy perfectionism struggle wanting to be in control of myself? Or just simply my mind still not being able to completely wrap itself around the fact that it's not ME being crazy demanding of myself, but that there is actually something growing in me that needs nutrition. Whaaaat???! (That still sounds so crazy)
It really is hard for my mind to believe that this morning (really, all-day) sickness is due to pregnancy and not just some "other" issue. I'm constantly trying to figure out what's "wrong" with me aka the flu and all the other reasons I rationalized away in the beginning before I knew I was pregnant. Not to mention this sick feeling coupled with the fact that I've never felt so exhausted and depleted like this before feels a bit like I'm failing at something. What, I'm not sure of. But it certainly doesn't feel like I'm nailing perfection, that's for sure! I somehow think I should be able to force my body to have more energy and not feel like the only place I want to be is my little blanket cocoon I've made on the couch. It feels scary. Like, what if I never have energy ever again?
Just yesterday I woke (after a good 9 hours of sleep) and felt like I could go right back to sleep for another 9 hours. Instead I got up, had breakfast (hoping that would help - which it did not - and that made me cry a little out of frustration), and then proceeded to lay on the couch for 4 hours because I felt paralyzed I was so tired. After 4 hours (past my monster's feeding time) I realized I was only getting worse in the energy department and asked Derek if he wanted lunch. He said sure and asked what I wanted to do for lunch. My response? Hysterically crying because I had past the point-of-no-return and the hunger monster was doing it's worst, and I was out of control of it. It's crazy. (By the way, Derek cut up apples and cheese for me pretty much immediately and I was better within minutes) I even had looked at the clock an hour before thinking I should probably eat something but didn't want to "give in" to the feelings because no food sounded good and I was exhausted and I just plain and simple don't like being controlled. Wow. There it is. I don't like being controlled.
Growth is a funny thing. It's painful (ever heard of "growing pains?"). Just like this is painful. And this IS growth...literally and figuratively. I want to be good at growth. But not just in a perfectionism way. God brought this growth into my life and I want to respect it and use it for good and His glory. I don't want to let myself be a giant toddler and miss the ways I'm supposed to grow in, both physically and emotionally. Maybe that's how I need to look at this whole process more. Feeling hungry and controlled by this hunger monster isn't a bad thing...it's a growth opportunity. Both for literally feeding and growing this baby, as well as relinquishing control over my own desires and growing in ways God wants me to for His purposes. I want to grow and I want to feed both my soul in this process, as well as this sweet growing baby inside of me. Which right there, is growth in itself. I am learning to view this baby and process as good and sweet. I can even say I am genuinely thankful for this path God has put us on, even with all the crazy growth (and tears) along the way.
"So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything,
but God who causes the growth."
1 Corinthians 3:7
"Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your
progress will be evident to all."
1 Timothy 4:15
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