A weird thing happened right about when I hit the second trimester this past week. Besides the nausea being mostly gone (although I still have some weird food aversions including coconut, coffee, and most meats...and red wine still sounds TERRIBLE haha) and getting a lot more energy back (yes I have finally vacuumed our house!), I also started getting super teary and emotional. Yes, I know I was super teary and emotional in the beginning, but that was a sort of hysterical upset crying and crazy out of my mind emotional. It was more about being confused, scared, overwhelmed and in denial, and then purely hormonal when from about weeks 8-11 I cried at 7:30pm almost every night for no good reason. This has been different. Very different. It doesn't feel bad like it used to ... it feels weird and maybe still a little bit overwhelming, but very different.
I think it's because I'm actually and maybe finally starting to feel a little exited about this baby. ...pause for dramatic effect... When I think about him ... and he actually feels like a "him" now, like a real live person (probably in part because he's sticking out so far already that I have to wear maternity pants now), my eyes well up with tears. And I feel this almost longing to feel him in my arms. I even looked up nursing swivel chairs yesterday (yes I know some of you are thinking I said I wasn't going to get any of the things ... well things can change!) and I have about four chairs sitting in my Amazon cart right now.
I was texting with my cousin yesterday and telling her it still doesn't feel completely real yet and she said, "It's not real until that first night when you are home from the hospital and it's the middle of the night, they have just fed and are asleep in your arms. It's amazing. You are going to love it." And I totally burst out in tears. I felt like some totally foreign emotion came over my body and it was not the same as I've been feeling before. It felt ... good ... and there was a longing there that I haven't felt before. It's been so much easier to focus on the list of things I hear from people about how I'm not going to get sleep and my life is no longer my own and on and on about the negatives. Not to mention I was awfully negative to begin with myself in this whole process. But just hearing that sweet sentence broke through something in my heart and made me realize ... I think I'm falling in love with this baby. (Just writing that sentence out I had to stop halfway to seriously bawl out loud hysterically. I did read that people get more weepy in the second trimester ... maybe that's adding to this??) But really, I think I'm turning a corner. And I'm thankful for that, but it also feels a little scary at the same time. Ok a lot scary. Scary because it's still hard to completely comprehend this is really happening, and scared to want it to actually happen.
There have been so many baby steps leading up to this point and I am so thankful for all of them. I have appreciated every aspect of every person and all the support I've received that has made this all feel so much more possible and able to deal with. From those who have supported my standoff-ness of the circumstances and have given me space to feel unattached, to those who have slowly challenged my mind and heart with talks about the baby and thoughtful gifts, to those who have unabashedly shown their immense joy and disregarded my hesitations completely. They have all had a perfect place in my getting to this moment in time and I am so incredibly thankful. Even the simple (and the extended) comments and messages I have received both privately and publicly from people telling me they have enjoyed reading this blog and following along on our journey have made moments of this all feel worthwhile. It has made me feel connected to others, and so not alone in a time when I was very tempted to feel exactly that. Especially with the surrounding circumstances of how he came about (I actually had "it" typed out there and deleted and rewrote "he." Praise...I'm getting better!)
It's also been such a huge growth for Derek and I in so many ways. From me not being able to do as much as I normally do around the house and him picking up the slack majorly, to me being much more emotional, to my changing body. The body change has prompted many conversations between us because of my insecurities and the conversations have been incredible and have bonded us in ways that we have never experienced before. Discussing all these details and raw feelings with all these changes have been challenging but beautiful, and have made me even more thankful for the work we have done in the past to make our relationship a safe and open place to be completely real and discuss things together. The desire to be truly known and loved is crucial (and a lot of worthwhile hard work) in every relationship of any capacity, and to be able to walk through so much change and continue to feel known and loved is a blessing from God I cannot express my thanks for enough. I could not do this without Him and I am so thankful for this journey He has set before us.
"Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery
of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things."
Ecclesiastes 11:5
"Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."
Proverbs 3:6
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