Surrender

Reading the Christmas story and how Mary responded to hearing she was having an unplanned baby, it's quite amazing how immediately she was able to surrender her future plans, her fears of what others would think, if she could handle it, whether her fiancé would stay with her, or even if she wanted this major change in her life at all. Her response was simply pure, immediate surrender to God and then went on to give Him glory because she trusted in Him and His plans so completely. 

Even though I did none of the above responses, I am grateful to have moved past the shock and denial of my immediate response, and to have been able to surrender those early feelings. (If you haven't read my last blog post, it explains in more detail that I've even moved into loving this little monster now!! 💙) I'm so thankful that I do feel thankful for this unexpected surprise now, and can even call it a blessing. 

This subject of surrender has come up a lot recently and it has made me realize the importance of it in my life right now (as well as always), and especially with all these new current changes going on. I previously had learned to surrender my plans of wanting a child to God and He blessed that through giving us peace and joy in not having kids. In complete contrast, I have now pretty much surrendered the whole, "we're not having kids" plans of our lives and am currently trusting in His plan with this pregnancy. However, I am now realizing that I once again am having to learn to surrender again in a whole new way. 

I am having to surrender the now growing desire to actually have this child. When I wasn't excited about the pregnancy, it was easy not to worry about the future of it or even think of it as a real future plan (or honestly even care too much about it). But after much time passing, learning the "it" is in fact a "he," and now coming to terms with the growing love we're both experiencing for him ... there is the new desire to have and hold this child which comes with the temptation to worry it won't actually happen, or that I have any sort of control to hold onto this plan and be in charge of it. Why I would think I could possibly have control over it now, considering this subject of infertility/fertility has been such a clear area of us NOT being in control, is beyond me. Apparently I'm a slow learner. 

Surrender is such a hard thing to do. It doesn't happen easily (at least not to me) in any relationship or situation. I read in a devotional the other day a great definition of surrender: "To yield to the power of another." That's difficult. Especially when there are desires involved. It causes us to give up our (perceived) control and trust in another to take care of things in our lives. This does not come naturally for many people and especially not me. It's much easier to deny that the desires even exist than be vulnerable with how we really feel ... or stress and try to take over control rather than trust in another, even when that "other" is God who is way more qualified to be in control! 

Years ago I had to surrender my desires for a child and finally (after many years) was able to do that successfully. For years I wanted a baby so badly I literally thought I would die if I didn't have one. I mean, it was bad. There was a period of time there that Derek was worried I might actually abduct a child ... as in when he'd hear there was a code pink at the hospital (a stolen / missing baby lockdown) he'd wonder where I was! (Only slightly kidding) But I finally (after many years of prayer and trusting) handed those desires over to God and thankfully got to that place of being at peace without kids ... because I finally realized that God can be trusted with control over my future and desires, and that He has a plan for me that can be trusted in. 

As you know, I have once again had to surrender those opposite desires for not having children to God now that He has placed a miracle baby in my womb (oh the Lindsey of years ago would scream at me to even read that this was a surrender issue for me!). I feel that again I have pretty much completely surrendered to God in trust finally, and have fully given in to the excitement and love for this child (why do these lessons take so long for me to learn!?). I've also had to surrender the whole eating and body changing issues (which is a constant work in progress). Monday night I backslid a little on having this one under control and was crying when Derek got home because I felt full but hungry (and super uncomfortable...my belly already feels like there's not much room in there) and couldn't figure out what to eat, or even if I wanted to eat. Yeah...still working on that one but trying really hard!

Now I'm realizing that I once again am having to surrender a new desire. A big one. I actually desire this baby to come to be and since I have a deep desire for that, the temptation to fear the loss of the desire (aka baby) wants to creep in. If you don't want something, or don't care either way, you don't fear the loss of it. But if you do want something, then there is the possibility of loss. This is a common theme in life and one that I felt I learned over and over again monthly through infertility. Each month I felt a huge loss wanting so badly for there not to be a period at the end of it. 

I know that God brought this baby into being and he is His to take care of. And I want to fully surrender that to God. (Obviously we're not in control considering we couldn't make a baby happen for the life of us for 15 years!) I'm just a work in progress in the learning department ... as usual. It is a little weird and bittersweet to be at this point because honestly I was pretty afraid in the beginning that I'd never feel the hopes and desires towards this baby that I used to feel back in the day when we were trying for kids. I wasn't sure I'd ever even have the desires I'm feeling already, which I am now convinced will continue to grow even more. So, I am truly thankful for these desires, but almost equally as frustrated at the fact that now I need to once again grow in the area of surrendering. Surrender is hard because it's growth. Growing is difficult. (My belly can also vouch for that) I truly am thankful for the growth, but also just trying to be honest that there is hard work involved as well. And I want to do the work. I know it's worth it. Some days it just feels a little more overwhelming than others ... especially with all these rouge hormones bouncing around in here!

However, one fun positive thing about growth and being on board with everything now is that this baby does keep growing and we are getting more attached with each passing day ... AND we've even decided on a name for this hungry little monster! I think that has also really helped my love grow for him and I definitely feel more connected to him calling him by name now. I'm pleased to introduce to you, our son, Nathan William Clark. 😍 

(December 17th, 2019 - Sucking his thumb already!)

(December 25th, 2019 - Little Christmas wave!)

"LORD, I know that people's lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps." Jeremiah 10:23

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

"Ah Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for you."

Jeremiah 32:17

"But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength; 

Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning,

For You have been my stronghold and a refuge in the day of my distress.
Psalm 59:16