As I have talked about in my past postings I do believe if you pray for patience God doesn't just zap you with patience. Ta-da! No, he places opportunities in your life for you to grow in patience and therefore become more patient. I feel as though my list of opportunities has been fairly long lately and yet I have felt God's peace through it and have been excited about the growth. I have felt content in my waiting to become pregnant, I have felt peace in my role as a wife to a first year neurology resident, in enjoying time to myself, in the house hunt, and so many other areas.
I'm not sure when it happened exactly, maybe yesterday or the day before but suddenly I realized I am feeling very antsy and impatient. And once it gets a hold of you in one area it is bound to leak over into other areas. For me it's started with this whole house process. It's gone back and forth about whether we're pursuing the house, now we're not, oh here we go again. I have felt very peaceful about it and have tried very hard to keep myself from getting excited about it in fear of it being another patience tester. I think I'm getting a little tired of the waiting process and would rather not be attached to wanting it so that if it ends up not passing inspection and we have to back out then it wont be such a big deal. But I don't think that's how it works. I am finding I am getting my desires linked to this house. I get excited every time I see a Home Depot commercial because I think about the changes we'll be able to make to the house. I dream about painting it and redoing bathrooms and decorating. I even daydream about doing yard work!
Without realizing it I think over the past week while telling myself I can take it or leave it, I have secretly been thinking I'd rather take it. We signed our contract last Thursday...then the bank signed it Friday and sent us back a contract of their own for us to sign. We signed it Saturday and figured we would hear back from them Monday or Tuesday and then do the inspection Wednesday (today) or Thursday since they had been so quick with everything else. So that is why when Monday night rolled around and we still had not heard back from them I started to get a little antsy. Well here we are Wednesday and still no word from them. I know, I know. I should have seen this coming and not get attached. That's what I tried to do. I still feel okay either way whether we end up with the house or not because I truly do believe it is all a part of God's plan. I honestly trust that. I am just feeling impatient in the waiting (yet again). And therefore am reminded of what a truly impatient person I am.
It's bizarre to me that I can wholeheartedly trust in God's plan yet at the same time feel like I am a race horse waiting to get out of the gate. In fact I think I may have even stomped my foot once or twice in the past few days! I just feel like I am waiting for the next thing to happen and I'm ready for it to happen...now. It's kind of like a tug of war for my heart. Although it is a breath of fresh air to even just admit this out loud and I do feel better having said it. "I am feeling impatient." Maybe admitting it is half the battle of breaking it's hold on me. I know the other half is trusting in God and leaning on Him for strength. I have zero patience without Him!
So I will wait some more...and grow.
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." -Psalm 62:5
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6