Purpose

"But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.
So you too should be glad and rejoice with me."
~Philippians 2:17

Walking this road of infertility has been the hardest and most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. And it continues to be. However, lately I have come to realize that the closeness I've experienced with God through this is like none I've ever experienced before. This has brought me to the stark realization that I would honestly rather suffer through this pain if that is God's will than ever have children. I do hope and pray that this is a temporary situation and that someday I will be blessed with them, but in the past few days I have come to embrace my pain. It's still there. It hasn't left me. And it is still incredibly painful, but with it now lies a sense of purpose in my suffering. If my pain somehow helps or encourages anyone else for God's plan then it is all worth it.

I also know that the closeness I have felt with God since hitting that extreme low a few weeks ago has been incredible. I feel like He is always right there with me comforting me, holding me up at times, and leading me. It's a crazy feeling because it's so real and so constant that I can't help but be thankful and gracious. Since that breakdown I have not felt alone for one second and it has been the most amazing feeling ever.

The only way I can think to describe what I feel lately is that my flesh and spirit feel so at war. My desires and flesh want so badly to have a child that it feels like a part of me is dying it's so painful. It feels like there is a giant gaping hole in my stomach that continues all the way up my throat. Yet in that same breath my spirit is so joyful in wanting to do God's will and feeling His closeness and purpose in my situation that I also feel a peace and contentedness. I know this sounds conflicting and it feels just as conflicting inside my body as well. I don't know how long this will last, or what the future holds, but I do know who holds it and I trust in that.

Here's a song by Laura Story called Blessings that really sums it all up for me:




We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if each promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this hearts,
That this is not, this is not our home.....
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?