I knew this day would come. I even prayed this day would come. But once it came I was completely and utterly blindsided and unprepared. My infertility partner, the one I've walked this lonely road with, the one I've cried with, bled with, comforted, and asked those hard questions to God with - is finally pregnant. And I still am not.
The conversation in which she told me wasn't the hard part. At that moment I was filled with shock, surprise, relief, excitement, joy, thankfulness, and more shock. It was about two hours later sitting alone in my house that the severity of it came crashing down. I had been praying for those two hours that I would continue to feel at peace and not let the walls come tumbling in on me, but two hours was all I could hold them up for. And the crashing down was much more severe than I ever imagined.
Not to go into too much detail, but there was definitely some hyperventilating and also panic that I may never be able to control myself to stop the tears. It was pretty dramatic to say the least. And it genuinely shocked me how devastated I felt.
I was not devastated that she is pregnant. I'm thrilled that she gets to experience this joy we have been praying for years about. It was completely separate. The devastation was an attack on my own mind of my own situation. Of feeling alone and like the last person on earth to not have this experience. It was the temptation to think God had forgotten me, or that I am still not good enough to be a mom yet. A million and a half attacking thoughts went through my mind and tortured me. Fears, insecurities, and of course the big question of why not me yet?
It’s so tempting to wallow in the why. And sometimes that's okay, but sometimes it's not. I read a great quote about this subject from Lysa TerKeurst that really sums it up:
"Asking why is perfectly normal. Asking why isn’t unspiritual. However, if asking why pushes us farther from God rather than drawing us closer to Him, it is the wrong question."
Somehow I managed to pull myself up, plug the tears, shut out the screaming insecurities that threatened to suffocate me with reasons of why I am not good enough to be or maybe will never be a mom, and stood up. That seemed a very large feat at the time. I then put one foot in front of the other and prayed like I never have before that God would give me the strength to trust once again fully in His plan for me in this moment in time.
Thankfully those prayers are being answered at the moment. I have since then been able to ward off those hurtful thoughts and attacks which has made me able to enjoy and experience this time with my friend in her pregnancy. And let me tell you that it is wonderful. She has done such an amazing job of including me in every detail of what is going on while being so perfectly sensitive with disclaimers and honesty. I am loving hearing every detail about this precious baby and just love it so much already. I feel like it's partly my miracle baby too. I knew our friendship had grown incredibly through our bond of infertility, but I had no idea it would grow even more through changing that bond to one of support through fertility. I am so blessed to see this miracle unfolding before my eyes in her and I truly am so happy for her.
I am also so thankful to those who have been praying for me because not only do I trust completely in God's plan for my life in my head right now, but I also FEEL at peace in my circumstances and in that trust. I know that plan doesn't include children in it for me at this moment and that's okay. I know my purpose here is to try my best to show people God's love and help others grow closer to Him. I feel so blessed to have the hope that Jesus brings and am so thankful for His presence in my life. I couldn't do this without Him.