Silent Auction Fundraiser

This year I am helping plan, set up, and run the Bethany Christian Services annual Silent Auction and Banquet Fundraiser. I've helped the past 2 years but mostly in procuring donations for them and attending a meeting here or there. Last year was the first year I was able to attend the auction and it was SO much fun! It made me even more excited for this year...which is a good thing it did...because it has become largely planned by only a few of us volunteers. The whole process has been fun, overwhelming, exciting, and heartwarming. I am truly so excited for this event and to help out an organization that is so near and dear to my heart.

For those of you that don't know, Derek and I have been trying to have children for many years without success. We've gone through some fertility testing with basically no reasons for us not being able to get pregnant. A little over 2 years ago we decided to pursue adoption through Bethany Christian Services and prayed God would close the door if this wasn't His plan for us. I wanted so badly to become a mother but wanted it to be in God's timing and plan and we weren't sure what that was so we decided to move forward with adoption and pray God would make His plan clear for us. Well the day before we turned in our non-refundable deposit and paperwork to adopt, Ethiopia (where we were looking to adopt from) closed their adoptions. A month later they did open them back up but it was clear to us that this was not in the plans for us at that point in time. God gave us a clear answer. Since then we have prayed for what direction to take and He has made it abundantly clear that what we are supposed to do is to wait. Waiting is probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, especially when you don't even know what you're waiting for. But I do know that God is good and has given me a peace that I am right where I am supposed to be today doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing and that is an amazing feeling.

One of the many things God has brought into my life to fill my time and purpose is helping out with this fundraising event and I am so thankful for that. I have really enjoyed pouring my time and energy into it and have loved watching God work in it.

I would love for you to be a part of this event with me whether it is through attending the event, donating items, donating finances, or most importantly praying alongside with me that this event goes smoothly and is a great success! To purchase tickets for the event, donate, or simply read more about it please visit our event site at: http://bethanyoregonfundraiser.blogspot.com/

Thank you for your support!! I greatly appreciate it!!

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18 

"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." James 1:27

Here are a few links to past blogs about our journey through infertility, adoption, and waiting:
http://lindslog.blogspot.com/2011/03/being-bossy.html
http://lindslog.blogspot.com/2011/03/patience.html
http://lindslog.blogspot.com/2011/10/purpose.html
http://lindslog.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-holiday-season-always-makes-coping.html

Holiday Season

The holiday season always makes coping with not having a child much harder. I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe it's all the family talk or baby Jesus, or all the adorable pictures of kids dressed up on Facebook (which I LOVE...but would also just love to be able to contribute to...more than pictures of my dogs with their reindeer antlers on!). Whatever the reason is, it is a constant stark reminder that we are missing out on something that what feels like the majority of the world has...and what my heart tells me I am missing.

This season has been slightly different, however. It started off the same....me crying two days after Thanksgiving and not really understanding why. Derek comforting me and explaining this happens every year and that it's ok to grieve that missing part of our lives. That weekend I had a very hard time getting my emotions under control and at church on that Thanksgiving Sunday they offered a time of prayer where you could come up to the front and there were people sitting in chairs that would pray for you while they played a song. My first thought was NO WAY! I am not going up there. How awkward and embarrassing and weird!! But then I felt God prodding my heart as He does and telling me to go up there. I fought Him throughout the entire song to the point that I was crying and shaking and feeling like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. So I made a deal with Him. (Yes, very mature of me I know) I said if they played one more song I would go up there (since they had already dragged out the first one so it seemed obvious they were done). Well the guy came up to the microphone and said, "We've decided for anyone out there who has put off coming up here for prayer we are going to play one more song, so come up here." Jaw drop. I turned to Derek bawling and said, "I think I'm supposed to go up there." He ushered me out to the aisle and I made my way up to the front and saw a woman I know from bible study and sat in front of her. I was crying so hard that I could barely make out any words and somehow managed to squeak out, "I think I'm having a hard time with the infertility thing!"

Now I would love to tell you I was healed on the spot and we got pregnant and lived happily ever after - but that's not the story exactly. It was, however, once of the most amazing experiences ever. Heather sat there hugging me, crying with me, and prayed over me. And it was incredible. Pretty much instantly I felt relieved of my hysterics, my heart calmed down, and eventually I got under control. Throughout the rest of that day and week I felt peace and a calmness I had not felt in a while as the holidays had been approaching. And it has continued thus far. I think the major difference can be summed up that it is the first time I really reached out and admitted I was having a hard time and couldn't deal with my emotions at that moment myself. God knew what I needed and He helped me to reach out to get it. I needed to open myself up, admit I can't handle things on my own, I need God to fill me, and thankfully He gave me the perfect opportunity. I may not have been physically healed on the spot but I was emotionally healed. It's not to say that I wont need that again in the future (because I'm sure I will), but for now I am just so thankful that God has given me this peace in this season because it is truly so unbelievable.

He has been filling me with a constant peace and reassurance that this is indeed His plan and He is in control. Allowing Him to invade my inmost thoughts and truly bless me with peace is incredible - there are really no words to explain it. I am in awe and shock at the peace and comfort He is lavishing on me in the midst of my deepest trial and pain. It's overwhelming and I am so thankful. He is good and He knows best and I trust that. Even in the pain, He is right beside me with comforting arms enveloping me and somehow I am at peace even in the pain.

My life is not my own, it's God's. And if He allows it then I don't want one ounce of pain or trial to go unused or be wasted as simply pain or a trial. If it can encourage even one person or give hope to one person who is struggling to understand "why" or trust in God, then it is worthwhile pain in my life. Regardless of even whether God wants to use my pain to comfort someone else, or to simply grow me better into the woman He created me and desires me to be and can use me to better other peoples lives, I am good with it. I am so thankful He has blessed me with the faith to believe and trust in Him, because I can't do that on my own.

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit." Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that."

James 4:13-15

Need You Now

I was driving to work at the winery yesterday and listening to the radio when Plumb's song, "I need you now" came on (which I love!) and it really made me think. The drive out to the winery is so beautiful and peaceful that I feel like songs can tug on my heart and allow God to speak to me in different ways than when I'm rushing around to get groceries or gas. It's just so beautiful and allows the words of songs to settle in my soul more completely.

Anyways...I heard this song and it really made me think about how much God uses our circumstances, whatever they may be, to grow us individually into the people He created us to be and also closer to Him. I think of how many times I've prayed for him to take away my infertility or other circumstances but looking back I can see so many areas of growth in myself that honestly I agree with Him for not taking them away thus far. When we don't allow Him to work good in our circumstances they just plain stink and there is absolutely no good in it. But when we accept His will and our circumstances, it allows Him to work good in us even out of the worst. Only then can we experience His true peace and joy that He has for us. This has been my experience over the past six months and I am striving to have it continue to be on a daily basis. It's not easy. It's very hard and painful at times....often times. But with acceptance comes great relief and fulfillment that can only be known through God. He has been blessing me and showing me ways I can serve and give of myself to others even in small ways and it has been amazingly fulfilling. Things I have never thought of before or cared to. I feel as though I maybe never took the time to listen to His still small voice prodding me in ways to reach out to others.

One simple small recent example was on my way home from the winery I stopped for gas (here in Oregon you can't pump your own gas) and normally I just sit in my car staring out the window. But last night I felt like I should talk to the guy pumping my gas (which I never do). He was super cranky and in a bad mood so I didn't say anything more and sat my head back against my head rest to wait. Then suddenly he walked up to my window and apologized and proceeded to tell me a long sad story about why he was in a bad mood. When the gas was filled and he ended his story I felt like I should give him a $5 tip (I never tip the gas guys normally). So I decided I'm going to listen to that still small voice and give it to him. I did and also told him I would be praying for him and his wife and their situation (a family members death). His face was pure shock. He teared up and looked like I'd just given him a million bucks. He was so incredibly thankful and told me he wanted to hug me (which I told him was not necessary....so he proceeded to tell me he was giving me a "mind hug" then!). It was incredible how thankful he was and that I got to be the bearer of such a small blessing but the receiver of such a huge thank you and able to change his day. It was overwhelming how appreciative he was. I was super teared up on my drive home and in such awe of the whole situation. I'm trying to listen more because when I do, God does amazing things.

Here's the song below...it's so powerful. (Please listen to it!)

It's been awhile...

I have taken somewhat of a break from the blog world over the past half a year (I can't believe it's really been that long!) and while I have thought to write a few times...it has somehow escaped me. Now I sit here after 6 months and don't have too much new to update but felt that some sort of update was necessary. I think the main reason for not writing much is that the writing has been a large part of my processing through infertility and the idea of adoption. And although those subjects are not completely closed...they are really not open either. The surmounting peace God has given me over the past 6 months has been incredible and I feel like I have been able to live life more fully and experience His blessings more completely than I had in a long time. God has given me an amazing rest from the burden of my fears and sadness over these subjects. While they do still pop up every now and then....for the most part my heart and my brain have both been at rest over it....which is why I have not had to process write for so long! (But I will try to be better and write a little more often) :)

I know that infertility is a delicate subject and I am so thankful to my family and friends for always being so supportive and sensitive to me. I am so blessed by all of you. I know that questions often roll around in your minds and not wanting to upset me, you patiently wait for me to give updates. So I apologize for not updating more often....but sadly and thankfully I have no new updates. (Sad that still no children, but thankful that I am still at peace with it!) So I thought I would recap where we are on this journey of our lives that God has so abundantly blessed us with....


God has continued to make it abundantly clear to us that now is not the time for us to pursue additional means of expanding our family, by fertility assistance or by adoption. By no means do we feel this is a forever plan but for now in this moment we feel completely confirmed and at peace that this is what we are supposed to do. To wait. What we are waiting for we don't know, but we choose to trust in the One who created us and has a plan for our lives. Since coming to terms with this completely over the past 6 months or so, I have been more at peace regarding this subject than ever before. It is such a freeing feeling not to fight God on this subject and try my own plans and ideas. Since submitting to His will regarding this I have been more free and able to discuss it and be around babies than since we began trying many years ago.

This doesn't mean I don't still long for a child and to be a mother someday, or that my heart doesn't drop into my stomach on certain occasions over a new pregnancy announcement or a motherly Facebook comment...because that still happens. Pretty often. The difference is this is the first time I have completely and wholly believed and trusted that this is exactly God's plan for me. It is the first time I have been able to fully and completely experience Gods abounding grace and peace regarding this situation with no doubts and no struggle against my own will. It is complete and full submission to God's plan and He has abundantly blessed me in return and through this entire experience, and continues to on a daily basis. His presence is more real for me now than ever before. I could not exist or deal with my circumstances let alone flourish and be joyful in them without Him. And I am so very thankful.

Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; 

Unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman keeps awake in vain. 

Psalm 127:1

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13

My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
Psalm 62:5-6

Babies Galore

I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I've written but they have been filled with the normal ups and downs of life and infertility. As well as quite a few of my friends having babies and a few more announcing pregnancies. Basically...the usual.

One new development, however, has been that about a month ago I finally felt ready to be around / hold babies again! Something I have (honestly) not really wanted to do in almost a year (and haven't done in almost a year as well!). The last baby I held was a sweet couple's baby Jake from our couples bible study when he was only a few weeks old. After they left, I burst into tears and pretty much couldn't control myself for the rest of the day. Since then I have been a bit hesitant (to say the least) to hold any again not wanting a repeat performance.

I am happy to say that about a month ago (right about the time the birthing stories of a few friends started) I was ecstatic to realize that I felt no pit in the stomach punch when I heard they gave birth...I instead felt the intense desire to hold one of those sweet miracles again. After many failed attempts I was finally able to be around and hold 2 friends babies last week (Drew- 7 weeks old, and Peter- 10 days old) and it was wonderful! They were so sweet and tiny! And I didn't even cry. Whoo hoo!! :)

Since then there have been a few more birth and pregnancy announcements and I have held it together quite nicely. By no means am I saying I don't have the typical sad day regarding my situation, but overall I am trying to focus on the happiness of those around me in their situations (as there are a LOT) and also enjoy my time in the now without children or a baby bump. I am continuing to trust that God has a plan that will be revealed in His timing. It's a daily...sometimes hourly decision....but I am choosing to trust Him over myself.

Ebbs & Flows

Sometimes I feel like my feelings / hormones are like tidal waves ebbing and flowing. The waves pull out to sea and far away from the beach for just long enough for me to get comfy and used to it, before they come slamming back onto the shore. I do know that this also very clearly correlates with the "red tidal flow" that is due any day now (most likely today because the normal signs are already here) but somehow that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I've had such a great month of feeling filled with God's peace in my infertility circumstances. It's really been an amazing month. So it makes it feel so much more frustrating and defeating to realize the waves are suddenly back on the beach and ever so slightly pounding me. It's by no means even close to as bad as it has gotten in the past, but it just seems so contrasting to this past month that has been so amazing. I almost forgot what that pit-in-my-stomach-wanting-a-baby feels like. But now I remember. It literally makes me welcome the stupid "red tidal flow" just so I'm not so filled with the crazy hormones!

In my devotional today it talked about the "joy of discovery" and how "Paul did not discover the strength to leave his circumstances; he discovered the strength to stay!" I completely agree. Some days just dealing with the circumstances of life, infertility, whatever you may be dealing with, seem exhausting. But in persevering through those waves and continuing to strive towards God and hang on to Him, those waves will wash back out to sea and He will give us the strength to discover that blissful joy even in our current circumstances once again!

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

Moses grew weary too!

"But Moses' hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun." -Exodus 17:12

We all grow weary. I didn't realize how weary I had grown about the infertility subject until this past week when I had to come to terms with telling 3 separate people that I couldn't go to their baby showers. One of which was my very close friend and it was extremely trying on us both. However, through this I have realized so much about myself and that infertility is a part of me that I will never be able to get away from completely. It's not something I need to hide from, pretend isn't there, or avoid. I don't need to feel embarrassed or ashamed about it. I've realized it's a part of me and it's okay to be honest about it.

It has been such a freeing week to be able to come clean about this not only to others but more so to myself. I didn't realize how big of a deal this was until I opened up about it and realized it's not so bad to embrace it. And it actually makes it much easier to deal with when I do.

I loved reading the verse above this morning in my "reading the bible in a year" reading (yes I'm still on track and keeping up with it! Whoo hoo!). I loved seeing how Moses couldn't keep his hands up by himself (backstory: he needed to keep his hands raised holding God's staff for them to win a battle, when his hands dropped they would start to lose, when they went back up they were winning). He needed others to help him do it. He had to be honest about his weakness and admit he couldn't do it. He didn't try to pretend he could or avoid it or sulk in embarrassment that he wasn't stronger - he admitted what he couldn't do. Which made it easier for others to help him because they knew what he needed. Which turned out well for them all because they won the battle.

This has echoed my life so perfectly right now in opening up about the true reality of my infertility situation. I feel so free in being able to not hide behind it and talk openly with everyone about it. I've found some amazing infertility blogs and even a web series about it that literally made me laugh out loud. This has been a major turning point for me and I'm so glad to be able to share openly and not feel bad that this is who I am.

Here are some awesome posts I found about infertility that I think are really great to read:
10 things not to say to an infertile couple
5 more things not to say
Supportive things to say to an infertile couple