This Is Crazy

I am pregnant.

Three words I literally never thought I would speak out loud. 

After almost 15 years of infertility...coming to a place of not only peace, but of not even desiring to have children of my own anymore...and going through peri-menopause for the past year…we recently found out that I am pregnant.

I will be honest, this has been a major shock for us. The first week I was completely in denial. I will also be honest that this was no longer what we had planned for, let alone hoped for anymore in our lives for years, and it is taking some time to process. 

I have come to realize that there is a part of me (a very large part) that strongly identifies as “Infertile Lindsey.” It is who I identify as and I have come to love that part of me and how I can relate to others in all sorts of different ways because of it. I have also realized that reconciling that part of me to what is now “Fertile Lindsey” has been mind-blowingly difficult to say the least, and quite a bit painful if I’m completely vulnerable. There are parts of me that feel like a mean trick is being played on me and I literally don’t have a place in my brain to put the information. That part of my mind and imagination died and was buried many years ago. It was easier and much more plausible to believe my period was three weeks late due to menopause rather than pregnancy. So when I did find out I was already 7 weeks along. Even the exhaustion and nausea I had been experiencing for 2 weeks prior was easily rationalized away by a slew of excuses. Pregnancy never even crossed my mind as a reasonable option.  

I will be honest that this has been hard. Really hard. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally for both Derek and myself. Not just in the sense that our life has been completely turned upside down from anything we’ve imagined for years, but also in the sense that not being able to grasp something that is supposed to be such a special and wonderful surprise has been difficult. We don’t want to have a hard time adjusting. We’re trying to process as fast as we possibly can. But just like we couldn’t make me become pregnant in the timing we had hoped for so many years ago, we also cannot force our hearts and minds to get on the "confetti and fireworks train of excitement" in our own timing either. We are working on giving ourselves grace in that and trusting in God to bring us there in His perfect timing. 

There are so many aspects of our infertility journey that are affecting the lens of how we are able to see and process this all. I have realized that I am much more sensitive to pregnancy topics still than I would have ever imagined. I didn’t even want to take the pregnancy test when I did because I had such PTSD over hating the topic of them. They always disappointed me then, and to be honest, in a way did again. I couldn’t even look at the result after peeing on it and left the bathroom before the results could set in. Derek actually went in and saw it and had to come out to tell me the news. Again, wanting to be honestly transparent, I cried. Hard. This was certainly not the way we anticipated our plans to go. And even after the fact of knowing our path was going to look different, it was and is equally as hard not being able to have what I would consider "the right" reaction to it all. (I have cried multiple times simply because I was crying over the situation and being disappointed in myself that I was crying in the first place. Yes, it's a whole new level of crazy for me!) I even told a friend this morning on the phone that I can’t handle the idea of being called “mom” yet and that I’m much more comfortable with my name “Auntie” and maybe I’ll just have this baby call me that. (I’m technically kidding…but it’s still a process)

It's funny that we've always loved this verse, “The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9) Well this is certainly applying to our lives quite strongly right now! But it's no different than any other time we’ve had to put our trust in Him for seemingly crazy or new paths in our lives. We have trusted before and He’s always brought us through and exceeded our wildest dreams. So here we are again trusting in His way for us in a seemingly unbelievable turn of events in our lives. 

I trust that we will get there. I’m not afraid (well not completely) that we won’t. It feels crazy and ironic that God got us and brought us through infertility and now seems He is getting us and bringing us back in the opposite direction. I know I blogged in the past about my identity crisis in moving from a person wanting children so badly I thought I would die, to a person that became not only at peace with not having them, but to becoming a person that no longer desired to have children of my own. Now it seems that I am having another identity crisis in realizing I no longer can be that person regardless of how I feel / felt. 

It’s also been hard to come to grips with how much pregnancy announcements have hurt me in the past and how much I strongly desired not to ever be that person to potentially make another person sad over a pregnancy announcement. I didn’t realize how much pride I had come to have in “knowing” that I would “never” be that person who hurt another through an announcement like that. And now here I am, announcing that I am pregnant. It seriously feels like a joke. A very not nice one. Honestly for days after I found out I kept looking at the picture of the pregnancy test on my phone thinking that this has to have been the wildest dream I’ve ever had. There’s no way this is really reality. But according to the ultrasound I had a week ago and the clear heart beat on it as well as the constant nausea and exhaustion I’m feeling every day…it apparently actually is reality. Although it is seriously still a struggle to remember it's real. It feels like I'm constantly waking up from a daydream and having to figure out what's true and what's not. For example, I was just thinking about whether this is something I should even be sharing or not, and then literally had to pause to think, "Wait is this really happening? What am I even talking about?? Am I seriously pregnant???"

I know it will get better and we will remember it's real more naturally at some point (hopefully before the baby gets here!) and we're even miles further along than we were when we first found out. Each day and each small milestone has helped. Even other people's excitement over this baby helps us get further along. It's been a slow and steady process and we're trusting there's a reason even for that. 

One last crazy aspect of all this is that I started this blog over 10 years ago under the guise of sharing about our travels during the last year of Derek's medical school, but really anticipating that I would finally be pregnant any day and would get to turn it into a pregnancy / baby update blog for my friends and family. I always thought it was so funny that it ended up turning into basically an infertility blog for the most part. I have no idea what it will become now or how often or if I will even write more here, but it seemed fitting to share the honesty of our lives in this area as Derek and I have come to learn the immense importance and joy in being real and vulnerable and inviting others into the depths of our lives over the past few years. Thank you for supporting and loving us from far and near through our vulnerable ups and downs of this crazy and immensely blessed life Jesus has given us. 

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.' Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow ... Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that." 
James 4:13-15

Infertility

Lately I have had quite a few discussions with many new people about infertility, and many of whom are struggling in the midst of it. I've actually been shocked by how many people I've talked to recently about this considering how few I knew when I was in the middle of dealing with it myself, and also by how few most of them are connected to as well. It's such a lonely experience and most don't have anyone else to relate to who has experienced the same thing. I know I wrote here and there throughout my infertility struggles, but reading back I didn't express as much as I could have during the most painful times. I didn't share some of the hardest aspects or the feelings I felt because during that time I wasn't sure how it would be accepted and didn't feel able to completely open up about everything I was feeling. I hope to encourage others with this sharing now and relate to both those going through infertility and also those who know others going through it.

During some of my darkest and worst hours of wanting to be a mom and have children, I felt I had no one who I could truly and completely relate to or open up to safely. I'm not saying this was correct or true, but that's how the cloud of infertility enveloping me felt like. Sometimes it was exacerbated by conversations with others that pierced my heart and seemed to punch me in the stomach, and other times it was my own insecurities or inability to convey my feelings. Either way it was one of the loneliest, if not the loneliest time of my entire life. Yes I had many people around me. My husband was of course by my side (as much as he, a man not experiencing the desire to be pregnant himself, could be). I had my sweet understanding friend who I had gone through infertility with for years before who by then had gotten pregnant (and, heartbreakingly, it just wasn't the same any longer...it couldn't be). I had many people who were hopeful and loving and wanting the best for me, but no one I felt that could truly understand and relate to the unimaginable pain and confusion that comes with wanting a baby and to be a mom and not being able to do that. 

No one who understood that the romance and spontaneity of sex with my husband, had instead turned into a scheduled event on a calendar that ended with me laying on my back with my legs in the air for 30 minutes (sorry if that's too much info), and sometimes shaking my butt around thinking that would surely get the sperm and egg to connect! No one to understand the chaos and turmoil that pregnancy announcements caused on me because the joy I felt for them was crippled by the paralyzing desire for my own. Or the hatred and guilt I felt towards myself for not being able to be more ecstatic for my friends in their pregnancies. Or the surprise and disgust I felt at myself for the jealousy that crept in at seeing baby pictures or easy pregnancy announcements. The inability to attend friends baby showers because of the intense pain it caused me, which somehow made me feel even more left out at the same time. The sadness over random conversations with new people asking if I had children and telling me in a chipper fleeting voice that, "Oh you will some day!" after hearing that I didn't. The intense frustration I felt from all the well meaning advice to relax, go on vacation, or try a new sex trick. I fully know that people meant well in their words and wishes, but the way it fell on my empty womb and heart was painful to say the least, and made me feel even more alone and more misunderstood. I'm not proud of any of these thoughts or emotions, but they were real and they were mine. And they are oh so common with those struggling with infertility. 

That's a term I hated to use for years. Infertility. But for anyone wanting a baby or to be a mom and not being able to...it is heartbreaking no matter what you call it or where you are in the process. No matter how long you've waited, what a doctor says, or what the so called average time frame "should" be. It's like a piece of you crumples up and dies with every passing period. It's physically painful. I've realized since talking to multiple women over the past few months that this is such a more common experience than people realize and that people don't know how to respond or help people dealing with this. It is one of the hardest things on relationships between spouses as well as between friends and family. I know because I've experienced it between all of those relationships. Some of whom know, and others who have no idea how drastically our relationships changed during that season of time because I didn't know what to say, or how to say it, and so I stayed quiet and alone. 

I'm writing this for those going through infertility to know that you are absolutely not alone, and to give yourself grace in whatever you feel regardless of what it is. To know that there are others that have been there and have felt the exact same terribly shocking things that you are. That some days you will feel anger. Somedays sadness. Other days hurt. Most days loneliness and confusion. And occasionally those joyful peace filled days that are a breath of fresh air. Give yourself grace in whatever you're feeling, and let yourself feel. It's your journey and sometimes feeling is the only thing you can do. 

I'm also writing this to help those who haven't gone through infertility to realize what to say and especially what not to say to someone going through it. To know that it's ok not to know what to say and often that's much better than advise or well wishes of outcomes that can't possibly be known. We know you mean well, but there is so much that can be said and done to help the loneliness and I hope to help and bless your relationships and friendships with those going through this devastating time. I also hope to give you an inside glance at most likely what they are experiencing without saying.

Here are a few things you can say to someone going through infertility: 

1) I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. 

2) I have no idea what to say. 

3) I love you. 

4) I'm praying for you. 

5) Can I do anything for you? 

Things to please not say to someone going through infertility (and if you have, go back to them and apologize and let them know you didn't realize the impact. I promise it will help them feel better & be helpful in your relationship): 

1) Relax and it'll happen. 

2) My friend did "blah blah" and got pregnant. You should try that.

3) Have you tried X...Y....Z? 

4) Go on a vacation and it'll happen. 

5) There's always adoption. 

6) Have you thought about adoption or fertility treatments? 

7) It'll happen don't worry. 

8) You're just stressing and thinking about it too much. 

9) Everything happens for a reason.

10) You can have my kids!

Even though I'm not in the throws of the despair and hurting of infertility any longer, every time I hear a new story my heart squeezes with pain and compassion for those still dealing with this heart break. The loneliness and misunderstandings surrounding it only add to the pain and suffering this terrible experience encompasses. So many people struggle silently on their own and that is one of the hardest parts of infertility. By sharing my struggles I hope to help others realize they're not alone, and also help those not dealing with it relate better to others who are. Please feel free to forward this to anyone who you think may benefit from reading this and also feel free to email me directly if you have questions or want to talk to someone who has been down this road whether you have, are currently, or know someone who is. (linmclark2@yahoo.com)

Always be humble and gentle. 

Be patient with each other, making allowance for 

each other's faults because of your love.

Ephesians 4:2

A New Mother's Day

Over the past many years, Mother's Day has previously been an incredibly difficult and complicated day for me for the simple reason that I was not a mother myself...yet I was blessed with a wonderful mother and mother to my husband, wonderful grandmothers, as well as many amazing friends who were mothers. It's not that I didn't appreciate the day itself or those it honored, it's that in the past this day brought up the stark reality of my then painful situation and lonely sadness.

One of the hardest and most memorable was 3 years ago. It was one of the worst years emotionally for me where I rarely went more than a few days without crying in between. I came home emotionally exhausted from working at the winery on Mother's Day (having a million people ask me if I was a mother yet or planned to have children) to find that Derek had arranged a surprise "Mother's Day Sucks" party for me! It was one of the sweetest things he's ever done. He decorated the entire back yard with balloons, flowers, streamers, and chocolate covered strawberries. My favorite was that on each mylar ballon that said "Happy Mother's Day!" he wrote in black sharpie underneath "sucks." In that moment I connected with my husband in a way that I couldn't have if I hadn't experienced the terrible hurt of infertility. To see that he understood my pain and acknowledged it while also putting such a thoughtful and humorous spin on it was a turning point for me in healing and in not feeling completely alone in my situation. As crazy or weird as it may sound, it was exactly what I needed and somehow made me feel better in the midst of a terribly painful and lonely time.

This Mother's Day, however, marks the first one that I have not dreaded in as long as I can remember. To say I have been healed and changed is an understatement and I am so incredibly thankful. I have so many reasons to be thankful for and especially for all the children I do have in my life. My sweet goddaughters whose mom, Tif, so sweetly sent me Mother's Day flowers that are filling my whole house with such a beautiful fragrance right now. It's a reminder of the love that I get to share with so many amazing children and that I do get to experience moments of motherhood through my friends and family and all their children. It's such a blessing to me now that I get to have a different perspective and love on them in ways that I wouldn't be able to if I were taking care of my own. It's a beautiful thing and only made possible by God. I'm so thankful. I'm thankful that this is who God made me to be and I wouldn't be without having gone through infertility or experiencing all those painful Mother's Days.

However, I know that this day still causes much pain for many people. Whether it is waiting to have a child of their own, mourning the loss of a child or children, or missing their mother - Mother's Day can be an extremely difficult and heart wrenching day. Having a very close friend who just lost her baby and will mourn this day, I feel an empathetic sadness about this day for her. I feel for her, I hurt for her, I dread this day for her...and I pray that it will pass quickly for her and that she will not have to endure another Mother's Day like this. As easy as it is to remember all the mother's in our lives, I want to make a conscious effort to remember all those who find this day difficult instead of filled with joy. There have been so many people in my life that reached out to me on Mother's Day and the days leading up to it to check in on me and I can't express how thankful I was for that. How just being acknowledged meant the world to me and that I wasn't forgotten just because I didn't have a baby bouncing on my lap. Let's make it a point to reach out to those who may be finding this day difficult. It may be uncomfortable and you don't know what to say and that's ok. Just tell them you love them. You're praying for them. You're thinking about them. Just let them know they are not forgotten on this day.

This Mother's Day I am truly thankful. I'm thankful that I have a wonderful mother. I'm thankful for my mother in law and the amazing man she created. I'm thankful that I have many friends and family members that are mothers. I'm thankful for all the amazing children in my life because of those mothers. I'm thankful for the future children who will be in my life because of those mothers and other mothers I may have yet to even meet. All I know is that God didn't leave me out of Mother's Day, He just had a different role for me in it. It's a beautiful day and I'm so thankful to be included in the lives of those who are. And to those who aren't able to find this day beautiful yet...just wait, you will. It may not be how you envisioned, but someday the pain will subside and you too will feel joy again.

"God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain..." -Revelation 21:4

Words

An amazing thing about having gone through infertility is that it gives you an empathy for other people's struggles like no other. Before having gone through it, I always felt for people. I really did. I've always been an over empathetic, feel-y, and super emotional person. But having experienced what felt like a loss every month for YEARS upon YEARS really changed my empathy relation into a full blown experience with others. Especially when that experience is along side a very close friend. It's interesting to me how things can affect me in ways like it's my own personal experience...even though it's not anymore. It has made me so much more aware of the effect people's words can have on others and how often people don't realize the severity of their words. I know most people aren't out to purposely hurt others, it's just that they can't relate because they haven't experienced a similar hurt. And I'm glad that many people have that innocence that they can't relate, because otherwise life would be very very sad. It's just that sometimes we need to look at situations and know that we are not in control, we don't know what the outcome will be like, and that's ok. We don't have to fill the silence with meaningless words that we don't mean or don't truly know. We can simply say we are sorry and don't know what in the world to say...because really there aren't any words.

I recently read in a bible study the story about Jesus telling His disciples what was going to happen to Him and Peter not knowing what to say did the same thing as we do all the time...

'From that time Jesus began to show His disciples that He must go to Jerusalem, and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised up on the third day. Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, "God forbid it, Lord! This shall never happen to You." But He turned and said to Peter, "Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God's interests, but man's."' -Matthew 16:21-23

Even Peter, who walked alongside Jesus, couldn't handle life going differently than what the normal constituted or from what was "expected," and tried to say he knew differently how things would go. But sometimes things are going to go differently than what is expected or even desired. That still doesn't mean that God isn't in control.

I can't count the amount of people and times that I have been told over the past 9 plus years that I would get pregnant and/or have a child. Sometimes people even told me specific time frames (all of which have long ago passed). I don't blame them or hold any grudges. I understand. Just like Peter, we all sometimes can't handle a situation going differently than what we desire for ourselves or even for someone else. Walking through the loss of a child with my dear friend, I have unfortunately witnessed many similar situations of people not knowing what to say and filling the void with telling her the "positive future" in many different forms. Again, nothing against them. I know I used to do the exact same thing before my experience with infertility.

Hopefully we can move forward and try to remember that God is in control and is the only one that truly knows the future. Only He can tell us the plan. We just need to support one another, be there for each other, and love on one another....through all the bad but also all the good. Because God does say that there WILL be good...we just don't know what it will look like exactly.

'Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that."' -James 4:14-15

A New Camp

I’ve always felt like there have been 2 camps people "live in." One has kids and the other wants kids. Having been in the “wants kids” group for almost my entire life it has gotten much emptier and lonelier through the years as most of the people I’ve known have moved from that camp into the “has kids” one. Obviously if you’ve read any of my previous blogs you know this has been an emotional struggle for me for many many years. However, recently I have found myself in a sort of new struggle having been moved into a third camp I didn’t really know existed until now. As you probably know through the past several years God has been slowly and graciously walking me from the grief and despair of infertility and the “wanting kids camp” into places of peace and contentment. He has been so faithful in leading me and growing me in new ways through it all, and even somehow making me thankful for it. I have even become used to it. It’s become comfortable and very much my identity as “the girl who wants kids but for some reason isn’t supposed to have them (at least for now and maybe not ever).” That has become a major part of who I have become over the years and I have grown used to and even comfortable with talking to others about it. So when I went to a women’s retreat recently and they asked us to get in small groups and share what your biggest hardship or struggle in life was with each other, my mind automatically thought of infertility of course.

However, it was in that moment I realized that was not true. Infertility and wanting children was no longer my biggest struggle or hardship. It was gone. I was so shocked I almost didn’t know what to say and began telling the women how I’d had a cold for a couple weeks, and am not used to being sick, so that’s been really hard. As soon as it left my mouth I told them I know how surface level and ridiculous that sounded. I also said that a year ago I would have told them infertility and now I realized I had to admit a new struggle to them that I hadn’t even admitted to myself yet and was very nervous to do so.

The desire to have my own children is gone. And my hardship/struggle now is how to tell others that for fear of them judging me, looking at me like I’m an alien, and realizing I no longer fit into either of the only two camps I ever knew existed. I am now on a whole new level of fearing others not relating to me.

It’s a fear that now I might be rejected by the world and those with children for being at peace with where God has placed me. I fear this will break the last strand of relation mothers feel towards me. I fear that I am an alien living without the very things they can’t imagine living without or even a life worth living without.

I have realized, however, that I still can relate to others with children and even more so now with my new found peace because I am free to fully embrace and enjoy their stories, their children, and their lives without holding parts of my heart back as protection against envy, jealousy, despair, and even sometimes pride. I can laugh with others, talk with others, and truly be 100% present and enjoy these priceless moments of their lives with children because God has preformed the biggest miracle of my life and somehow has removed that gaping hole of desire for children and sealed it up. I can’t more fully describe it other than it is a miracle. I have a hard time believing it myself so don’t feel bad if you do too. This is truly unbelievable and only possible through God.

I realize this is not necessarily the prayer people have prayed for God to answer in my life but this is how He chose to answer. And the answer feels amazing. It's like I've been set free from a cage I didn't even know I was living in. I knew that peace had been becoming a large part of my life regarding infertility but I didn't realize how much of a stronghold it was on me until I realized that I've been set free. I was in church this past weekend and the song Amazing Grace started playing (which ALWAYS makes me cry and for some reason think about not having kids). I thought "oh great…this is where I'll realize I still have some emotional rawness stewing around in me." But I didn't cry. I just kept feeling this amazing freeness and openness I hadn't experienced before and realized this is seriously a miracle that I'm not bound up in this cage of hopelessness anymore. God has truly filled me and the hole I thought would only be erased by the answer of my own children.

I just pray that others who have children can be joyful with me and know that I am now 100% joyful with them and their children. And I pray that those without children who are still struggling on the long hard road of infertility will be encouraged that God is good and is in the business of doing miracles. Whether that comes in the form of a child or replacing that desire, there IS hope that the dark, empty, lonely days will NOT go on forever.

Honestly I don’t even want to do a disclaimer but feel the need to. That, yes, I know I may still have bad days in the future. I don’t know the future and I don’t claim to. I’m not saying God can’t change my heart again a million times in a million different directions. I am simply sharing my heart and my walk with Christ and the fact that He is good, that I trust Him, and that I am truly at peace in my third camp I didn’t even know existed and I pray you will be too. I also thank all of you so much for your prayers that have brought about this miracle. I am so thankful.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen.  If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”

Jeremiah 29:11-14

Real Purpose

One of the biggest struggles I’ve had throughout my life has been figuring out what my purpose is. I used to think purpose loosely translated meant career and struggled for years dabbling in all sorts of different jobs and training classes trying to figure out what career purpose I was meant to have.

I used to think my purpose was to be a teacher. Then I started taking teaching classes my senior year of college while working in a classroom, and realized that this was NOT my purpose nor would it be my career either. I tried making crafts, I went back to school to be a preschool teacher, I managed a beauty supply, I looked into photography, writing children’s literature, worked in a dental office, worked at Starbucks, was a care taker, was a nanny, and finally decided that my purpose wasn’t a career but that it was to be a stay at home mom.

I struggled in the waiting to start trying for children so I could finally pursue my purpose. Then I struggled in the waiting of trying to get pregnant, adopt, etc. so I could begin living my purpose. During this time I really tried hard to find my purpose in Christ knowing in my head that was the correct answer. I did feel that was true at moments in time, albeit brief, they were relieving. However, in the back of my head I always thought my true purpose and fulfillment would be to become a mother.

It’s so fitting and crazy to me to realize that only after finally really letting go of the idea of me being a mother, and embracing my identity in not being a mother, that I have finally found purpose in my life. Only in listening to God that that’s not His will for me right now, and admitting it to myself and others am I finally free to know and truly believe my purpose is in Christ and in any small or big thing He calls me to do. Everything big or small has meaning and purpose in my life because it’s ALL God’s will. My purpose is to listen and do it. Finally I truly feel and know my purpose and it’s the most amazing and fulfilling feeling in the world. It’s like I wasn’t truly and completely living until now.

It’s also so interesting to me that the one thing I thought I wanted the most in this life was the one thing that kept me from hearing God clearly because my own desires interfered with it. I wanted to believe for the longest time that it was just my own thoughts, and not God’s, telling me we weren’t going to have kids. I tried to cover up and ignore the tugging on my heart that I knew was His prodding and play it off as my own. That confused my ability to hear God in other things because I held on so tightly to trying to believe my own voice was God’s.

Now letting go of that allows me to hear Him more clearly in other areas as well. Some small and some large, but all are so much more important now that I truly realize that EVERY action, EVERY conversation, EVERY friendship, EVERY relationship, and EVERY moment is a gift from God and that there is so much more to them than randomness. God works special moments, miracles, and so much more through all of those when I allow myself to be more conscious of the fact that it ALL means something more than just going through the motions. God has a plan for EVERY moment, and there is PURPOSE in every moment. I don’t want to let one miracle, blessing, or plan from God slip by because I’m not paying attention and acknowledging how much more is constantly going on than meets the eye.

I’ll be honest that sometimes I still grieve the loss of my plan and desire for children, but I’m also so thankful that I have been able to realize what my true purpose is through this loss. It’s ironically the most fulfilling feeling ever. My purpose is not one thing, but to constantly be aware of God and every minute that He blesses me with, as well as all the things He wants me to invest in and have purpose through. 

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,

That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Psalm 30:11-12

New Identity

We attended Derek’s neurology graduation banquet last night and it was a surreal moment remembering the last time we came to this was 3 years ago. I remember it so vividly because I passed on the wine served that night because I was hoping I was pregnant and one of the very pregnant residents there asked if I was. I remember chatting her up about her pregnancy and gushing about the fact that I was hoping I was too. The excitement of talking about it and imagining our kids together was so fresh. Even though we had already been trying for years it still felt so imminent and certain.

If you would have told me 3 years ago at this banquet that maybe having children wasn’t in God’s plan for us, I would have laughed at you. And then probably cried a little…or more accurately, a lot. And if you would have then told me that though there would be MANY ups and downs (many many downs), that I would eventually feel an unsurpassed peace and confidence in that plan, and even feel contently joyful in my life without children I would 100% not have believed you, not even a little bit. However, that statement is now true in my life and I do accept it with more peace and actual joy than I ever dreamed possible.  And that is a true miracle.

I know that you are probably thinking….don’t give up!...there’s always a way!...or some other form of this. Well, yes I know that and I do truly thank you for the support and encouragement. We have thought that for years as well, but we are now coming to terms with the knowledge that not having children may be in fact exactly what God HAS planned for us rather than the opposite. It has taken us years to get to this place of peace in actually accepting that this might be our identity rather than the identity of being parents. This identity issue has been one of the most difficult, revolutionizing, and most freeing realizations for me. Thankfully I can honestly say that lately I have truly come to terms with my identity as a woman without children of my own. Now, whether God changes that in the future or not is up to Him, but for today we are not parents and are relishing in the peace He has given us regarding our identity as not-parents and the awesome things He has blessed us with as well as the other responsibilities in life He has given us.

I understand that this is a difficult thing for you to be reading and to come to peace about because I know how much you also want the desire of our hearts for children for us as well. And as odd as this may sound, I’m praying for you to have peace with us. We have gone through this journey on a daily basis and I know we’ve had more time to process and come to peace about it and I pray the same for you. I understand it’s difficult letting go of something you want so badly for someone else, but in this case it’s not actually letting go of our dreams, but realizing new and different dreams God is giving us. He is opening us up to desires of our hearts we never even knew existed. We have only begun to realize these by accepting our situation and identity in the present as not being parents, and we would have never gotten to where we are in life without going through this difficult journey and all the experiences God has allowed us to have through this.

The most amazing part about the graduation banquet last night was hanging out and chatting with some very pregnant residents and some very pregnant resident’s wives about their pregnancies and children, and being completely interested and not upset by it at all. I felt the similar excitement, interest, and joy I felt 3 years ago with the pregnant resident then, but with what feels like a lifetime of growth in between. I have grieved through years of waiting and wanting. I have mourned the loss of the identity I thought was mine as though it were death. I have learned to live, love, and trust in the God I know and the amazing life and identity He has blessed me with. I am so thankful for that and ultimately for my identity in Him.

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; 

the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 

2 Corinthians 5:17

Silent Auction Fundraiser

This year I am helping plan, set up, and run the Bethany Christian Services annual Silent Auction and Banquet Fundraiser. I've helped the past 2 years but mostly in procuring donations for them and attending a meeting here or there. Last year was the first year I was able to attend the auction and it was SO much fun! It made me even more excited for this year...which is a good thing it did...because it has become largely planned by only a few of us volunteers. The whole process has been fun, overwhelming, exciting, and heartwarming. I am truly so excited for this event and to help out an organization that is so near and dear to my heart.

For those of you that don't know, Derek and I have been trying to have children for many years without success. We've gone through some fertility testing with basically no reasons for us not being able to get pregnant. A little over 2 years ago we decided to pursue adoption through Bethany Christian Services and prayed God would close the door if this wasn't His plan for us. I wanted so badly to become a mother but wanted it to be in God's timing and plan and we weren't sure what that was so we decided to move forward with adoption and pray God would make His plan clear for us. Well the day before we turned in our non-refundable deposit and paperwork to adopt, Ethiopia (where we were looking to adopt from) closed their adoptions. A month later they did open them back up but it was clear to us that this was not in the plans for us at that point in time. God gave us a clear answer. Since then we have prayed for what direction to take and He has made it abundantly clear that what we are supposed to do is to wait. Waiting is probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, especially when you don't even know what you're waiting for. But I do know that God is good and has given me a peace that I am right where I am supposed to be today doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing and that is an amazing feeling.

One of the many things God has brought into my life to fill my time and purpose is helping out with this fundraising event and I am so thankful for that. I have really enjoyed pouring my time and energy into it and have loved watching God work in it.

I would love for you to be a part of this event with me whether it is through attending the event, donating items, donating finances, or most importantly praying alongside with me that this event goes smoothly and is a great success! To purchase tickets for the event, donate, or simply read more about it please visit our event site at: http://bethanyoregonfundraiser.blogspot.com/

Thank you for your support!! I greatly appreciate it!!

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18 

"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." James 1:27

Here are a few links to past blogs about our journey through infertility, adoption, and waiting:
http://lindslog.blogspot.com/2011/03/being-bossy.html
http://lindslog.blogspot.com/2011/03/patience.html
http://lindslog.blogspot.com/2011/10/purpose.html
http://lindslog.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-holiday-season-always-makes-coping.html

Holiday Season

The holiday season always makes coping with not having a child much harder. I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe it's all the family talk or baby Jesus, or all the adorable pictures of kids dressed up on Facebook (which I LOVE...but would also just love to be able to contribute to...more than pictures of my dogs with their reindeer antlers on!). Whatever the reason is, it is a constant stark reminder that we are missing out on something that what feels like the majority of the world has...and what my heart tells me I am missing.

This season has been slightly different, however. It started off the same....me crying two days after Thanksgiving and not really understanding why. Derek comforting me and explaining this happens every year and that it's ok to grieve that missing part of our lives. That weekend I had a very hard time getting my emotions under control and at church on that Thanksgiving Sunday they offered a time of prayer where you could come up to the front and there were people sitting in chairs that would pray for you while they played a song. My first thought was NO WAY! I am not going up there. How awkward and embarrassing and weird!! But then I felt God prodding my heart as He does and telling me to go up there. I fought Him throughout the entire song to the point that I was crying and shaking and feeling like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. So I made a deal with Him. (Yes, very mature of me I know) I said if they played one more song I would go up there (since they had already dragged out the first one so it seemed obvious they were done). Well the guy came up to the microphone and said, "We've decided for anyone out there who has put off coming up here for prayer we are going to play one more song, so come up here." Jaw drop. I turned to Derek bawling and said, "I think I'm supposed to go up there." He ushered me out to the aisle and I made my way up to the front and saw a woman I know from bible study and sat in front of her. I was crying so hard that I could barely make out any words and somehow managed to squeak out, "I think I'm having a hard time with the infertility thing!"

Now I would love to tell you I was healed on the spot and we got pregnant and lived happily ever after - but that's not the story exactly. It was, however, once of the most amazing experiences ever. Heather sat there hugging me, crying with me, and prayed over me. And it was incredible. Pretty much instantly I felt relieved of my hysterics, my heart calmed down, and eventually I got under control. Throughout the rest of that day and week I felt peace and a calmness I had not felt in a while as the holidays had been approaching. And it has continued thus far. I think the major difference can be summed up that it is the first time I really reached out and admitted I was having a hard time and couldn't deal with my emotions at that moment myself. God knew what I needed and He helped me to reach out to get it. I needed to open myself up, admit I can't handle things on my own, I need God to fill me, and thankfully He gave me the perfect opportunity. I may not have been physically healed on the spot but I was emotionally healed. It's not to say that I wont need that again in the future (because I'm sure I will), but for now I am just so thankful that God has given me this peace in this season because it is truly so unbelievable.

He has been filling me with a constant peace and reassurance that this is indeed His plan and He is in control. Allowing Him to invade my inmost thoughts and truly bless me with peace is incredible - there are really no words to explain it. I am in awe and shock at the peace and comfort He is lavishing on me in the midst of my deepest trial and pain. It's overwhelming and I am so thankful. He is good and He knows best and I trust that. Even in the pain, He is right beside me with comforting arms enveloping me and somehow I am at peace even in the pain.

My life is not my own, it's God's. And if He allows it then I don't want one ounce of pain or trial to go unused or be wasted as simply pain or a trial. If it can encourage even one person or give hope to one person who is struggling to understand "why" or trust in God, then it is worthwhile pain in my life. Regardless of even whether God wants to use my pain to comfort someone else, or to simply grow me better into the woman He created me and desires me to be and can use me to better other peoples lives, I am good with it. I am so thankful He has blessed me with the faith to believe and trust in Him, because I can't do that on my own.

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit." Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that."

James 4:13-15

Babies Galore

I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I've written but they have been filled with the normal ups and downs of life and infertility. As well as quite a few of my friends having babies and a few more announcing pregnancies. Basically...the usual.

One new development, however, has been that about a month ago I finally felt ready to be around / hold babies again! Something I have (honestly) not really wanted to do in almost a year (and haven't done in almost a year as well!). The last baby I held was a sweet couple's baby Jake from our couples bible study when he was only a few weeks old. After they left, I burst into tears and pretty much couldn't control myself for the rest of the day. Since then I have been a bit hesitant (to say the least) to hold any again not wanting a repeat performance.

I am happy to say that about a month ago (right about the time the birthing stories of a few friends started) I was ecstatic to realize that I felt no pit in the stomach punch when I heard they gave birth...I instead felt the intense desire to hold one of those sweet miracles again. After many failed attempts I was finally able to be around and hold 2 friends babies last week (Drew- 7 weeks old, and Peter- 10 days old) and it was wonderful! They were so sweet and tiny! And I didn't even cry. Whoo hoo!! :)

Since then there have been a few more birth and pregnancy announcements and I have held it together quite nicely. By no means am I saying I don't have the typical sad day regarding my situation, but overall I am trying to focus on the happiness of those around me in their situations (as there are a LOT) and also enjoy my time in the now without children or a baby bump. I am continuing to trust that God has a plan that will be revealed in His timing. It's a daily...sometimes hourly decision....but I am choosing to trust Him over myself.

Ebbs & Flows

Sometimes I feel like my feelings / hormones are like tidal waves ebbing and flowing. The waves pull out to sea and far away from the beach for just long enough for me to get comfy and used to it, before they come slamming back onto the shore. I do know that this also very clearly correlates with the "red tidal flow" that is due any day now (most likely today because the normal signs are already here) but somehow that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I've had such a great month of feeling filled with God's peace in my infertility circumstances. It's really been an amazing month. So it makes it feel so much more frustrating and defeating to realize the waves are suddenly back on the beach and ever so slightly pounding me. It's by no means even close to as bad as it has gotten in the past, but it just seems so contrasting to this past month that has been so amazing. I almost forgot what that pit-in-my-stomach-wanting-a-baby feels like. But now I remember. It literally makes me welcome the stupid "red tidal flow" just so I'm not so filled with the crazy hormones!

In my devotional today it talked about the "joy of discovery" and how "Paul did not discover the strength to leave his circumstances; he discovered the strength to stay!" I completely agree. Some days just dealing with the circumstances of life, infertility, whatever you may be dealing with, seem exhausting. But in persevering through those waves and continuing to strive towards God and hang on to Him, those waves will wash back out to sea and He will give us the strength to discover that blissful joy even in our current circumstances once again!

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

Moses grew weary too!

"But Moses' hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun." -Exodus 17:12

We all grow weary. I didn't realize how weary I had grown about the infertility subject until this past week when I had to come to terms with telling 3 separate people that I couldn't go to their baby showers. One of which was my very close friend and it was extremely trying on us both. However, through this I have realized so much about myself and that infertility is a part of me that I will never be able to get away from completely. It's not something I need to hide from, pretend isn't there, or avoid. I don't need to feel embarrassed or ashamed about it. I've realized it's a part of me and it's okay to be honest about it.

It has been such a freeing week to be able to come clean about this not only to others but more so to myself. I didn't realize how big of a deal this was until I opened up about it and realized it's not so bad to embrace it. And it actually makes it much easier to deal with when I do.

I loved reading the verse above this morning in my "reading the bible in a year" reading (yes I'm still on track and keeping up with it! Whoo hoo!). I loved seeing how Moses couldn't keep his hands up by himself (backstory: he needed to keep his hands raised holding God's staff for them to win a battle, when his hands dropped they would start to lose, when they went back up they were winning). He needed others to help him do it. He had to be honest about his weakness and admit he couldn't do it. He didn't try to pretend he could or avoid it or sulk in embarrassment that he wasn't stronger - he admitted what he couldn't do. Which made it easier for others to help him because they knew what he needed. Which turned out well for them all because they won the battle.

This has echoed my life so perfectly right now in opening up about the true reality of my infertility situation. I feel so free in being able to not hide behind it and talk openly with everyone about it. I've found some amazing infertility blogs and even a web series about it that literally made me laugh out loud. This has been a major turning point for me and I'm so glad to be able to share openly and not feel bad that this is who I am.

Here are some awesome posts I found about infertility that I think are really great to read:
10 things not to say to an infertile couple
5 more things not to say
Supportive things to say to an infertile couple

Strong Enough

I'm constantly learning new things about myself on this journey of not having children yet and one thing I've recently learned is that I'm not always going to be able to handle this fact perfectly. I'm very good at convincing myself I'm okay and don't care that I don't have kids and then I see one pregnant lady at the grocery store or a chubby faced baby at church and suddenly unexpected tears are escaping all down my face. It amazes me how out of the blue it can happen and it reminds me that the hurt is still there even when I don't think I'm feeling it on the surface.

I'm also learning that it's a confusing situation and constantly evolving. I think I have it pegged perfectly and then suddenly things seem to change. I can genuinely be doing great one second and a mess the next. I'm learning I just can't try to put it in a box and say I've got it figured out and that's okay. It's okay for me to be honest to myself and to others and say I don't always feel together and that's okay. I like to be the fun, happy person with good news. I hate being the downer person who has to disappoint people sometimes because I can't be there for them - especially all the people in my life who are pregnant right now. Some days I can be there and others I am not going to be able to. And I'm learning I have to be honest about that to myself as well as to others and pray they can understand.

One thing that is a big distinction however is that I do believe this is the exact path God has me on for a reason. I truly do. I don't think this is a mistake or that He's forgotten about me or that there's a simple fertility measure that was overlooked that we haven't done correctly or timed perfectly. I think I'm not pregnant because I'm not supposed to be at this moment in time. God promises He has a plan for us....but He doesn't promise it's exactly as we think it should be. I see positive reasons that I'm not pregnant right now almost daily and I feel completely at peace about it. That doesn't mean that I don't still cry or that baby showers suddenly aren't too painful for me to attend. It means I'm human and have human emotions that I can't deal with on my own. But with God and His strength I can truly be at peace in my situation and circumstance - whatever that may be throughout my life. For right now it's about infertility...tomorrow it could be something else. Regardless what it's about, I can't do this life without God's strength. One of my new favorite songs (below) states it perfectly by Matthew West called "Strong Enough." I absolutely love the words.

The Bible in a Year

I recently saw a posting about reading the bible in a year and decided to do it myself. I know I've read a lot of it and possibly the whole thing but since I wasn't positive I thought it would be an accomplishment I'd really like to do. I was a bit behind on starting it and have been following the daily readings on One Year Bible Online. This morning I woke up to snow and an email saying our women's bible study for Tuesday mornings had been canceled. So I decided it was a nice opportunity to catch up on the readings so that I would be on the same schedule as the daily emailed list of what to read (starting from Jan 1st). Mind you I didn't start this until 3 days ago so I had a LOT of reading to do this morning! I did make it though and am all caught up! Whoo hoo! :)

At first I just thought it would be a fun thing to accomplish and also give me direction on what to read daily because I had just finished reading James and wasn't sure where to go next. But as I read through Genesis this morning I found a very odd comfort in reading the stories of God's faithfulness in all areas of early life but especially in the stories of barrenness.

I felt a strange connection to these women (Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel) who all suffered from the grief of being infertile for very long periods of time, as well as deal with seemingly everyone around them having children. It was also refreshing to see God work in these stories and that they were all blessed with children in God's perfect timing and not their own. I have to admit that Rachel is my favorite and makes me feel not so crazy in her bursts of yelling out to her husband, "Give me children, or I shall die!" (Gen. 30:1) I also love that her husband (who adores her) has to remind her that he's not withholding children from her.

I've known about all these barren women (and the others that are to come) but have never read the stories straight through from beginning to end and see them all tie together. It's pretty amazing how God works it all out perfectly according to His plan no matter how many mistakes they make or how often they try to take things into their own hands. God is there guiding them along the entire way. And not just about babies but about every area of life. It was really encouraging and nicely surprising for me to read today. It was the perfect pick me up I needed this morning! Just shows again how much God works out everything perfectly according to plan!

$3 Worth of God

I was looking over my past posts and noticed this post I wrote back in April that I never published. I think I had planned on writing more and somehow never got around to it. Then life happened and here we are almost a year later.

It's short and probably not technically finished but it made me chuckle at how true everything I wrote here has become for me over the past year. The continued struggle of infertility has made my relationship with God deeper and more necessary than I could have ever imagined. Making the choice to wait on His timing and His leading on this difficult path has grown me closer to Him and allowed me to learn things about Him and myself I would have never known otherwise. And I am so thankful for that.

I have realized that I haven't bought only $3 worth of God, but that I am truly in this relationship for the long haul with my whole body, mind, and soul. It's so refreshing to see this blessing of such a constant and close relationship and also the understanding that has come as a direct result of the anguish and suffering of my not having children at this moment in time.

So....here's the original post:


I'm going through this book Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver with some awesome women. The book is seriously so inspiring and I have learned so much from it. I read this excerpt yesterday and it really stood out to me:

"Are we willing to let God explode our comfort zone and expand our capacity for him?
Or do we want a God we can manage?
Unfortunately, a lot of the time that is exactly what we want - enough of God to make us happy, but not enough to make us change. We'd never say it, but our attitude is just what Wilbur Rees had in mind when he wrote:
I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please, not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep, but just enough to equal a cup of warm milk or a snooze in the sunshine. I want ecstasy, not transformation; I want the warmth of the womb, not a new birth. I want a pound of the Eternal in a paper sack. I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please."

This really made me think. This is what we do a lot of the time. We try to fit God into OUR schedules and OUR lives as though He didn't create us and ordain every moment of our lives. We want some "God goodness" in our lives, but don't want to necessarily change anything about our lives or wake up earlier to spend a little extra time with Him. We'd like to have the heavenly rub off on us like a magic potion, but not put in the effort to cultivate a deeper relationship.

It made me realize I want so much to make sure I'm not doing that and only allowing a small portion of God to fill my life. We can't buy God, or little parts of him. He bought us. He paid the price. It's an all or nothing sort of situation. We either except all that comes with Him or we don't. It's that simple, and that complicated all in one. I want to be an "all" type person and make my God proud that I am living for all of Him. That I am choosing enough of Him to "explode my soul" and have a "transformation."

Purpose

"But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.
So you too should be glad and rejoice with me."
~Philippians 2:17

Walking this road of infertility has been the hardest and most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. And it continues to be. However, lately I have come to realize that the closeness I've experienced with God through this is like none I've ever experienced before. This has brought me to the stark realization that I would honestly rather suffer through this pain if that is God's will than ever have children. I do hope and pray that this is a temporary situation and that someday I will be blessed with them, but in the past few days I have come to embrace my pain. It's still there. It hasn't left me. And it is still incredibly painful, but with it now lies a sense of purpose in my suffering. If my pain somehow helps or encourages anyone else for God's plan then it is all worth it.

I also know that the closeness I have felt with God since hitting that extreme low a few weeks ago has been incredible. I feel like He is always right there with me comforting me, holding me up at times, and leading me. It's a crazy feeling because it's so real and so constant that I can't help but be thankful and gracious. Since that breakdown I have not felt alone for one second and it has been the most amazing feeling ever.

The only way I can think to describe what I feel lately is that my flesh and spirit feel so at war. My desires and flesh want so badly to have a child that it feels like a part of me is dying it's so painful. It feels like there is a giant gaping hole in my stomach that continues all the way up my throat. Yet in that same breath my spirit is so joyful in wanting to do God's will and feeling His closeness and purpose in my situation that I also feel a peace and contentedness. I know this sounds conflicting and it feels just as conflicting inside my body as well. I don't know how long this will last, or what the future holds, but I do know who holds it and I trust in that.

Here's a song by Laura Story called Blessings that really sums it all up for me:




We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if each promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this hearts,
That this is not, this is not our home.....
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

And then there was one...

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'
~Isaiah 55:8-9

I knew this day would come. I even prayed this day would come. But once it came I was completely and utterly blindsided and unprepared. My infertility partner, the one I've walked this lonely road with, the one I've cried with, bled with, comforted, and asked those hard questions to God with - is finally pregnant. And I still am not.

The conversation in which she told me wasn't the hard part. At that moment I was filled with shock, surprise, relief, excitement, joy, thankfulness, and more shock. It was about two hours later sitting alone in my house that the severity of it came crashing down. I had been praying for those two hours that I would continue to feel at peace and not let the walls come tumbling in on me, but two hours was all I could hold them up for. And the crashing down was much more severe than I ever imagined.

Not to go into too much detail, but there was definitely some hyperventilating and also panic that I may never be able to control myself to stop the tears. It was pretty dramatic to say the least. And it genuinely shocked me how devastated I felt.

I was not devastated that she is pregnant. I'm thrilled that she gets to experience this joy we have been praying for years about. It was completely separate. The devastation was an attack on my own mind of my own situation. Of feeling alone and like the last person on earth to not have this experience. It was the temptation to think God had forgotten me, or that I am still not good enough to be a mom yet. A million and a half attacking thoughts went through my mind and tortured me. Fears, insecurities, and of course the big question of why not me yet?

It’s so tempting to wallow in the why. And sometimes that's okay, but sometimes it's not. I read a great quote about this subject from Lysa TerKeurst that really sums it up:

"Asking why is perfectly normal. Asking why isn’t unspiritual. However, if asking why pushes us farther from God rather than drawing us closer to Him, it is the wrong question."

Somehow I managed to pull myself up, plug the tears, shut out the screaming insecurities that threatened to suffocate me with reasons of why I am not good enough to be or maybe will never be a mom, and stood up. That seemed a very large feat at the time. I then put one foot in front of the other and prayed like I never have before that God would give me the strength to trust once again fully in His plan for me in this moment in time.

Thankfully those prayers are being answered at the moment. I have since then been able to ward off those hurtful thoughts and attacks which has made me able to enjoy and experience this time with my friend in her pregnancy. And let me tell you that it is wonderful. She has done such an amazing job of including me in every detail of what is going on while being so perfectly sensitive with disclaimers and honesty. I am loving hearing every detail about this precious baby and just love it so much already. I feel like it's partly my miracle baby too. I knew our friendship had grown incredibly through our bond of infertility, but I had no idea it would grow even more through changing that bond to one of support through fertility. I am so blessed to see this miracle unfolding before my eyes in her and I truly am so happy for her.

I am also so thankful to those who have been praying for me because not only do I trust completely in God's plan for my life in my head right now, but I also FEEL at peace in my circumstances and in that trust. I know that plan doesn't include children in it for me at this moment and that's okay. I know my purpose here is to try my best to show people God's love and help others grow closer to Him. I feel so blessed to have the hope that Jesus brings and am so thankful for His presence in my life. I couldn't do this without Him.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
~Philippians 4:12-13

Two Months Later

I can't believe it's been two months since I've last written but the time has flown by! I just re-read my last post (Peace and Joy), and I am so relieved and thrilled to report that I still feel that same peace and joy. I can remember writing it and thinking "oh boy, I sure hope this sticks and that I don't have a meltdown tomorrow!" And here we are over two months later and I can't believe it but I haven't even had one of those horribly sad moments since!! It's crazy but it's completely God. This peace can only be from Him.

I also feel incredibly blessed to have had so many amazing trips and visits with family and friends over the past two months as well. We even had our good friends Rian & Julie (and their dog Brewer) live with us for a month! Needless to say we have been busy and that has also accounted for the lack in writing over the past two months. I will try to be better!

Throughout this crazy busy-ness of the past two months there have been so many incredible blessings and constant reassurances that this is exactly where God has placed us and that His timing really is perfect. God has placed some really amazing couples in our lives here that are in a similar place in life (aka don't have kids yet - but DO have dogs!) :) We even had a BBQ with them and everyone brought their dogs. It was so much more fun than we ever thought possible. It was such a good laugh and it made me feel even more at peace about still being a family of "4" (including of course the pups). Even though none of them are going through infertility or even trying for kids yet, they have been such a blessing and a reminder to focus on our marriage and on others.


I read two verses yesterday that really stood out to me and I just have to share them. They seemed so perfect and applicable to so many areas in life. They are such a good reminder that the things that happen in our lives and the experiences we have are not coincidental, but are for a purpose. The bad, but also the good as well. They are all there to help others through, and also draw us nearer to God.

"The God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 1 Corinthians 1:4

"But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God."
1 Corinthians 1:9

God's timing really is perfect and it's so lovely when we can remember to sit back, relax, and enjoy what He is placing right in front of us instead of focusing on what may not be in the moment. Life is so much more enjoyable when we trust fully in the Lord's plan and don't fight against it.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

Peace and Joy

"We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
~Romans 5:3-5

I have read this verse so many times and tried to make myself believe and "feel" what it is saying. But honestly suffering is hard. It's hard to "rejoice" in our sufferings. It's called suffering because it hurts! Who doesn't feel that way? I usually just end up focusing on hoping that someday I will feel this way and for now I'll just try to keep the not rejoicing in my suffering to a minimum!

Yesterday I had an appointment with my doctor to check out my ovaries (not so fun) and discuss a few other things. My ovaries are perfectly fine and don't have any cysts or anything else wrong with them. We also discussed other possible problems and basically came to the conclusion that there really aren't any definitive solutions for me. And therefore...just keep "trying" (aka keep having sex).

After the appointment I expected to feel upset or emotional or something negative. I was surprised, however, to leave the doctors office with my tear ducts in tact. Even after driving home and discussing it with Derek, I was still surprisingly dry eyed. All yesterday I felt on watch for any moment I assumed the emotions would attack (like they always do) and I'd fall apart...but they never did.

Then this morning I realized (for maybe the first time) that I think I am actually rejoicing in my suffering. I know that may sound crazy but I can honestly look back over the past 2 years and see such a growth in the power of God in my life that I wouldn't have had without this struggle and "suffering." It has been a long hard road, but one that I find I am actually grateful for. It has brought this verse to life for me and made me able to realize the immense truth behind it. God truly does comfort us. He truly does have the best in mind for us (even when we don't agree and can't imagine any hope of a good outcome). This "hope" I've realized is also not confined to hope for a circumstance here on earth or a simple hope of having a child someday. It is a much larger encompassing hope. It's hope in the fact that God is true, God is real, that God gives total comfort, and God is preparing an amazing eternity for us where there will be no tears or sadness.

I feel like I am realizing this hope for maybe the first time in my life. Or maybe re-realizing it in a new way. Either way, I am amazed by His goodness and glory of how He truly does work all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). It may not be the good we expect or even desire but it is GOOD. And it's the best good we can't even imagine when we're back at the starting line. Two years ago if you had asked me, "would you like to struggle with infertility and not get pregnant when you think it's the right time?" Of course I would have said, "HECK NO!!!"

But now being on this marathon of infertility, I can honestly say I am so thankful God put me here. If I had to redo the past 2 years and decide whether to walk this journey of infertility or get pregnant immediately - honestly I would chose the same path I've walked thus far of infertility. I have realized a strength that only God gives that I didn't know existed before in me. I have realized a humbleness that only God gives in me. I have realized a gentleness and a compassion that only God can give inside me. I have prayed to have these things in the past and never realized that God has been working them through this experience, but He has.

I know I am in no way close to the finish line or even anywhere near being completed, but I do know that God truly does have the best plan for us. And that as soon as we surrender to Him and let Him lead our lives, thoughts, actions, and ways - He will begin to change us in amazing ways we can't even imagine. And He will fill us with a peace and a joy that is even more unimaginable.

Now I'm not naive in thinking I'll never have another sad day regarding this situation but I do truly feel that God has brought me to a turning point where I am genuinely thankful for my infertility suffering. It has brought about a closeness with Him and a perspective on life that is completely worth every second of it. I am filled with a peace and joy that only comes from God.

"We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
~Romans 5:3-5

Milk and Honey

This morning my devotional had me read Numbers 13 - 14 and I found it to be so encouraging and eye opening for me. Here's my summarized version of basically what went on:

~ God brought the Israelites out of Egypt and out of the desert to escape all sorts of horrible things including death. He promised them a land that flowed with milk and honey. In these chapters the people are brought right up to the edge of this promised land and told to go in and scout it out. When they do, they find it is a land filled with milk and honey and that it is wonderful. Then they see the people there are big and fortified and scary. So they basically freak out and cry and say God should have let them die in Egypt or the desert because they can't deal with this situation. Then they talk about picking a new leader, turning around, and going back to Egypt because this new great land looks just too big and scary to deal with. ~

Reading this I feel I can relate so much to them! When God leads me to a place that seems too big and scary I often freak out and think it's too difficult for me to bare. Perfect recent examples of my big and scary places: not getting pregnant, heart being opened to the subject of adoption, being told to wait on adoption, being told I have complications about getting pregnant. All of these make me want to throw a five year old fit and cry just like the Israelites did. (And honestly it does make me feel a little better reading stories like this to know that I'm not the first person who acts like a big baby when I face a "hardship!") Because sometimes it does feel a little like I'm being thrown back and forth and I too want to cry out "God why didn't you....(fill in the blank)?"

I want that milk and honey....the promised land....I think we all do. Whether it's a house, a car, a husband, a baby, a better job, to be retired....the list goes on and on. And sometimes it feels like we're being brought right up to that milk and honey place only to have it snatched away or put on hold. Sometimes it feels as though we think we're being brought to it and suddenly the path veers off in a completely different direction that we weren't prepared for, and we want to stomp and shout! (Or at least that's how I feel at times!) :)

It's good for me to read these stories and remember that God works in these situations. In ALL situations. When the Israelites wanted to turn around and run, and were prepared to stone the leaders that wanted to enter the promised land,

"the glory of the Lord appeared...to all the Israelities." ~Numbers 14:10

And He will show His glory in my life and yours if we let Him. It may not be how we anticipated or even how we prayed for, but He will work in that difficult situation and show His glory if we are patient and listen to Him. And if we can't hear Him...then we wait some more. (And we keep praying).

I don't want to be like those Israelites who got so close to their own "milk and honey" only to turn away and not trust. They let their fear and their own ideas get in the way of God's plan simply because it seemed too scary and they had their own agenda.

"How God must grieve over two common approaches to His unfolding plan: those who want position without preparation and those who refuse to leave the comforts of preparation to take the position." ~Beth Moore, A Woman's Heart Devotional

It's very tempting for me to take this whole baby situation into my own hands and try to be in control but ultimately I'm not. It's a day by day process but that is how I am choosing to live my life. To follow God's plan no matter how confusing or impossible it may seem at times. I want the promised land He has planned for me....not one I can dream up and assume would be the best for me.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:9