Grace in Weakness

I've thought a lot about how to write a post about this. I've literally started it and stopped 3 different times in 3 completely different ways. Then I felt a bit stupid for seemingly making it such a big deal. That's when I realized that's exactly how I needed to write this. I have become weak in my sadness over the death of my sweet dog Gracie and I have finally realized that that is ok. I have Grace in my weakness. (And yes that's supposed to purposely tie together) :) 

I know that many of you have told me just that. You've let me know I'm not stupid for my sadness, that it's normal, it just takes time and to let my grieving happen in my own time - but I'm stubborn. And that is how I grieve - stubbornly. I've also realized I guess that's ok too, because that's how it's going to happen. I will fight it, and then give in a little, and then fight it, and then give in a little, and then fight it, and then give in a lot and have a nice melt down. That apparently is my grieving style. 

I hate feeling weak or not in control, and grief is very good at making me feel both of those simultaneously and dramatically. Obviously no one likes to feel grief but I wonder how many people fight it and argue with themselves about how they handle it like I have been? Maybe a lot, maybe a little, I don't know. As I read over the many failed attempts at writing this post I'm so thankful I have stopped fighting myself and have begun to feel better because at one point I felt like I never would. Here's a paragraph I started but wasn't able to finish a month ago because I became too hysterical and stopped writing:

     "Part of the struggle that is maddening for me is that I’ve realized I am not patient with myself. I hate feeling down or basically anything less than wonderful. I despise it. And I try as hard as I can to get out of a funk when I’m in one. I don’t know how to get out of this one. I will just start weeping at the most random times. Sometimes first thing in the morning when I wake my eyes start leaking and it’s aggravating me. I’m so tired of feeling sad and in the dumps and want to see the light at the end of the tunnel when I can reflect on my amazing dog baby and not go into hysterics. I’m trusting God is molding me somehow even though I can’t see it or feel it. All it feels like is sadness and pathetic-ness. Two things I am not a fan of. Maybe I’m just learning that everyone goes through seasons of those 2 things and hopefully I can be more compassionate and understanding to the next person who feels sad or pathetic through whatever avenue that may be."

However, thanks to the support, love, and prayers of so many I have been able to open up, accept my weakness, and grieve over the past 2 1/2 months (how has it been that long already!?!?). It's been difficult to say the least but I've become ok with telling people I can't talk about it too much in public or I will melt down in tears, and when that inevitably happens anyways - I'm ok now with that too. I've become ok having a meltdown in front of my bible study girls and finally letting them know the real turmoil going on inside (thank you for accepting me in my weakness). I'm ok with having a full on balling fest on the night of my goddaughters baptism to her mother and grandmother (thank you Tif and Lisa for accepting me in my weakness). I'm ok with the fact that this has brought me to my knees and made me weak. I've realized I can't shove it away or even deal with it on my own and I'm so thankful I don't have to. 

I'm also so thankful to be able to see a positive in all this finally as well. Through this weakness and grief I have learned to become more sympathetic to others in their struggles no matter what they may be, and in turn not fear what other people think about mine. It doesn't matter what others think about my grief or struggle because it's mine. And when others are weak or grieving, even if I don't completely relate, I can understand their difficulty in being weak and grieving. Because grieving is hard work.

This statement of grieving is hard work is so ironic because it's one I used to absolutely cherish when I was dealing with the grief of infertility. I remember one of our pastors, Barb, saying you have to do the HARD WORK of grieving to get through it and allow God to work in you. I remember thinking that was so mind blowing and so amazing that YES grieving IS hard work!! I did have to grieve the loss of my dream of becoming a mother, of being pregnant, of so many things that infertility brought into my reality. So how I could forget this gem of information upon the loss of my sweet Gracie dog / first born / daily companion / best friend / guardian / love / comforter? Because of all those reasons and more. The loss of all of those descriptions made me weak and I wasn't able to do the hard work of grieving for a little while….and that is OKAY.

I'm not done grieving or healing from my loss yet but I am thankfully much farther than I was. I now know it's a process that will continue for a very long time. There will be ups and downs, but the biggest thing I've learned is that no matter how weak or strong I am about it in any given day - it is okay and God is still in control, and even more so, when I am not. 

'Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it [a thorn in my flesh] away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.’ -2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Two Months Later

I can't believe it's been two months since I've last written but the time has flown by! I just re-read my last post (Peace and Joy), and I am so relieved and thrilled to report that I still feel that same peace and joy. I can remember writing it and thinking "oh boy, I sure hope this sticks and that I don't have a meltdown tomorrow!" And here we are over two months later and I can't believe it but I haven't even had one of those horribly sad moments since!! It's crazy but it's completely God. This peace can only be from Him.

I also feel incredibly blessed to have had so many amazing trips and visits with family and friends over the past two months as well. We even had our good friends Rian & Julie (and their dog Brewer) live with us for a month! Needless to say we have been busy and that has also accounted for the lack in writing over the past two months. I will try to be better!

Throughout this crazy busy-ness of the past two months there have been so many incredible blessings and constant reassurances that this is exactly where God has placed us and that His timing really is perfect. God has placed some really amazing couples in our lives here that are in a similar place in life (aka don't have kids yet - but DO have dogs!) :) We even had a BBQ with them and everyone brought their dogs. It was so much more fun than we ever thought possible. It was such a good laugh and it made me feel even more at peace about still being a family of "4" (including of course the pups). Even though none of them are going through infertility or even trying for kids yet, they have been such a blessing and a reminder to focus on our marriage and on others.


I read two verses yesterday that really stood out to me and I just have to share them. They seemed so perfect and applicable to so many areas in life. They are such a good reminder that the things that happen in our lives and the experiences we have are not coincidental, but are for a purpose. The bad, but also the good as well. They are all there to help others through, and also draw us nearer to God.

"The God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 1 Corinthians 1:4

"But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God."
1 Corinthians 1:9

God's timing really is perfect and it's so lovely when we can remember to sit back, relax, and enjoy what He is placing right in front of us instead of focusing on what may not be in the moment. Life is so much more enjoyable when we trust fully in the Lord's plan and don't fight against it.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

Bear - Toy Sniffing Dog - UPDATE

Five minutes after my last post I went out into the garage to discover that our utility sink had overflowed. I was out there not even 10 minutes cleaning it up when I heard loud squeaking in the house. I came inside to see that Bear had obviously overcome his fear of the Christmas tree and opened two of the other dog toys!!!!!

Now the crazier part about this whole thing is that we have a bunch of Christmas presents under our tree (thanks to my wonderful mother in law, Jane, sending us presents for us to open on Christmas!!)!! Did he open any of those? Nope. He crawled behind those (because I put the dog toys in the very back) to pluck two of the remaining 4 wrapped plastic dog toys. Unbelievable.

Bear - The Toy Sniffing Dog

Bear is a "special" kind of dog. And when I say that I mean if he were a person he would most likely have a significantly below average IQ. Significantly. That being said, he does have ONE amazing ability. He can sniff out a new plastic dog toy ANYWHERE.

Once I bought a few new dog toys and had them on the kitchen table in a plastic bag. He ran over and plopped his little butt down and stared at the table. Then at me. Then back at the table. I figured he must have seen them. So I gave him ONE squeaky ball (it came in a pack of 4). I threw it and while he was chasing it into the other room, I quickly put the other ones on top of the fridge so they couldn't be seen and returned to the table before he did. He came back to the table, stopped, and dropped the ball. He then looked up at the table and sniffed then started sniffing around the floor like he was a hound dog. He proceeded to go straight to the fridge, sniff upwards, then plop down again and stare at the top of the fridge. It was the weirdest thing.

Then last year for Christmas I got the dogs each a stocking with toys in it (yes that's what people without kids do - buy their dogs toys!) and put it in the closet. I left the room not thinking anything of it and when I returned, there was Bear plopped in front of the closet door staring at it like he had X-Ray vision. It was crazy. I thought no way does he smell the toys and opened the door to see what he wanted. He went straight for the bags and shoved his little wet nose in there and grabbed a toy.

This pretty much happens anytime I bring home a toy.

So this year I got them a couple dog toys out of the dollar section at Target (my favorite place) and decided to hide them and outsmart the little guy. I've had them hiding in the guest room closet wrapped up in a bag for a couple weeks, and he hasn't suspected a thing. Today I decided to wrap them figuring if they were wrapped up maybe he wouldn't smell them either.

I went into the room where the toys were hidden and even closed the door so he couldn't see what I was doing. I could hear him sniffing under the door but I just kept working away. Unfortunately when wrapping the third toy I accidentally pushed too hard on it and it squeaked.

You would have thought there was a hunk of steak in the room because Bear began whining and pawing at the door so frantically it was unreal. Once I finished wrapping them and opened the door he flew in and began sniffing the ground where the toys had been like he was a drug sniffing dog. I ran out to the living room to put the toys under the tree before he could see and I thought I had gotten away with it. He came out of the room after a few minutes, went to the trash can and sniffed (where I had disposed of the baggies the toys came in), and then went straight to the Christmas tree and began pawing the toys! This is what he does when he wants something....

First - he hunts and finds it

Then since it's a little too scary too get it himself (our only saving grace) he looks at you for help.

If you don't respond quickly enough he thinks he communicates what he wants just by sitting.

So I decided to let him have one early (because I'm a sucker and he's so pathetic when he sits there and stares at me). What a little stinker. Here's a video of him getting it and opening it.

He may not be a smart dog but he sure is a happy one....and he sure can sniff out plastic squeaky dog toys!!

Here's the last video of him playing with the toy (still has wrapping paper stuck to his face) while Gracie (our lazy dog) just watches the crazy hyper "special" dog. Yes I love my dogs this much.