Finding Joy

Just having got back from a trip in Florida to swim with manatees, I feel like my heart could burst with joy. I’m still coming down from the high of swimming with such majestic, playful, incredible animals. They are like giant puppies of the sea and my heart is hooked on them. I currently feel so thankful and at no surprise having just had this incredible week with them, as well as even more incredible people. However, upon talking to a very close friend of mine about the subject of joy, it made me realize that what I am experiencing isn’t just a circumstantial feeling of happiness that comes and goes. 

It’s stemming from what I’ve been learning lately about tapping into my heart and truly living from it. I’ve been realizing (much through the help of an incredible book I’ve been going through called Waking the Dead by John Eldridge) that our heart is the key to living a full life, and fully embracing the joy we were meant to experience. I’ve come to realize in the past few years that I have a very tender heart and I’ve come to appreciate it and no longer shy away from it, or be embarrassed about it. Yes, I cry at commercials, the NFL draft, and of course over manatees. But that’s a good thing and I’ve realized it’s an ability to tap into my heart completely and experience joy on an extreme level. Being vulnerable and open to those feelings and not cutting them off, to seem like I’ve got it all together (as I’ve done for many years before), has opened up a store house of immense thankfulness…which has led directly to immense joy. 

Yes I am super blessed and thankful to have swam with manatees and experienced great fellowship in Crystal River. However, the level of joy that has come from that thankfulness is more on par with having won the lottery and seen a real live unicorn in one day. My conversation with my friend made me realize that the more I’ve been tapping into my heart, the more I’ve been able to see the many blessings around me (big AND small) to the point of overflowing with thankfulness leading to extreme joy. 

For example, I’ve never been a bird person. I didn’t even like birds. I thought they were gross. However, in the past year or so I have come to appreciate them flitting around our backyard and bathing in our bird bath to the point that I am so thankful when those sweet little birds appear in our yard now that I could almost cry (and have a few times). I’m filled with a joy that is unexplainable and that only a year or two ago I wouldn’t have experienced at all because I hadn’t tapped into the full potential of my heart and thankfulness. Now I see a bird and I’m filled with a similar feeling as though I just received an award or got a hug from a long lost friend. And it fills my thankfulness and joy to overflowing. 

Even sunsets lately have been overwhelming to me at times. I’ve always loved sunsets. They’re beautiful. Most people would agree. But lately, when I see a sunset I am literally moved almost to tears. It feels like it’s a personal gift to my heart and I am filled with an overwhelming sense of thankfulness and joy as though I were the only person on the planet experiencing it. I’ve been watching sunsets my whole life and have never felt these feelings until this past year or so. It’s crazy. But I love it. 

I’ve had a hard time explaining this lately because I knew I was experiencing many highs and feelings of blessings, but also am very familiar to what it feels like not to experience that at all. I’m very familiar with seasons of disappointment, depression, and loneliness to name a few. Those are very real and difficult circumstances. However, I feel like this new found tapping into my heart is awakening me to the realization that joy doesn’t have to be completely circumstantial. It can be, but it shouldn’t always stem from there. I experience joy when I feel thankful for something. And I feel thankful for something when I allow my heart to focus on any and every thing that is good, true, beautiful, and right in my life and the world. I need to not gloss over things so quickly and take the time to allow my heart to be thankful. I need to remember to look and dwell on the positive things in life, and focus my energy on being thankful for them so that joy has the opportunity to overflow. God’s blessings are all around us just waiting to be noticed, be thankful for, and then fill us up with joy overflowing.  

"Every good and perfect gift is from above." James 1:17

"For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the 
giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God." 

2 Corinthians 4:15

"In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 
1 Thessalonians 5:18

(This was originally written in January)

Fear Of The Future...Here We Go Again

I feel like for over the past 10 years my life has been a series of changing living locations and preparing for the next move in Derek's career path. Having been settled in Portland now for just about 5 years and even living in our current home for just under 5 years, it's a thought that thankfully hasn't been on my mind in a long time. Moving or changing or relocating just hasn't even been on the horizon. We barely know what Derek's schedule will look like 4 weeks from now let alone in over a year from when he finishes his fellowship. I haven't really thought of changing places....and I have thouroughly enjoyed the emotional and mental break from it.

However, it's come up in conversation recently and now I can't get it out of my brain. The stress, the wonder, the trying to play reverse psychology on God (as Andrew put it the other night at bible study! Haha!), the fear...ugh how I don't miss these feelings. But I am also SO thankful for the past 5 years of mental break from it having been rooted here. Having a break from all the up in the air changes and moves and not knowing what was next or where Derek would get accepted for medical school, then residency, then fellowship....ahhhh it has been a lovely break. And now, it's back. In one year and one month Derek will finish fellowship and will start a "real" job somewhere. Where? We don't know. Do we have hopes? Expectations? Wishes? Of course!! But, all we can do right now is wait for time to pass and trust. There isn't even anything to do or look for yet. It's WAY too early to even really think about this yet! My brain, however, didn't get that memo apparently.

I will confess that I have a fear of change. I love stability and I also confess I sometimes envy those who have it. Who have nothing on the horizon of shifting change of possible locations or knowing that everything about the plan they are on will definitely change in one year and one month from right now. I forgot what this feeling was like of not knowing what the future will hold for not just small things but huge things such as what city or state we will be living in. The possibility of not knowing a single person for thousands of miles surrounding you. Of starting ALL over. It's exhausting really. Granted I also know that nothing could change. We could stay right here and all this thinking could be for nothing...but my brain again, didn't get that memo. :)

Sorry for the venting....and I don't even know if anyone is reading this, but someday in the future I want to look back on this and read and remember what I felt, because I know I don't always share it in the moment. But I am right now. This is the moment. And I don't want to forget this...all of this. Because it's really been a beautiful ride and I want to remember not only the great, but also the trying parts of it too.

I truly do trust that God has a plan and this morning in my Jesus Calling devo (by Sarah Young) the message was absolutely spot on for me:

"If you learn to trust Me - really trust Me - with your whole being, then nothing can separate you from My Peace. Everything you endure can be put to good use by allowing it to train you in trusting Me. . . Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way. Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done. Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day. Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter."

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4

I know it and I believe it....sometimes it's just getting your heart to feel it and follow along. :) And if anyone is reading this I, of course, always appreciate the prayers for not only our future but also for my heart! :)

Rest

Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For You have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 116:7-9

I read this verse the other day when I was feeling a little down about nothing in particular and it made me think so many different thoughts. It made me think how in times of amazing highs and seeing God work it's so easy to feel at rest and blessed. It's so crazy to me then how easily negative feelings and thoughts can creep back in days or even hours later if we allow them. Thoughts of doubt, insecurity, unsettledness, discontentment, sadness, lack of energy or joy, and a million other negativities. How is it that we can be so easily dragged back into feeling like we are lacking something in our lives. Sometimes the smallest thing can set me off to feeling like the world is out to get me. Bad drivers, slow grocery lines when I'm in a hurry, a broken dryer, burning dinner, having to wait for (fill in the blank)..... There are so many little small things in life that if we allow them to can puff themselves into much larger looking versions of themselves, when really they are but a drop in the pond of this life. Nothing to get worked up over. If we allow them though, they can snowball in our lives until we feel full blown overwhelmed, upset, distraught, or irritated and we can't even remember what is the actual root of the problem.

I love how this verse speaks to oneself, "return to your rest, O my soul." It sounds like such a sweet reminder and makes me think of God gently patting me on the head reminding me not to get so worked up over this life. This verse is such a great reminder to focus on how bountifully we truly have been blessed by God in so many areas of our lives. He truly has rescued me from so many tears, stumbling, and times that did feel as though I could die in my sorrow. There were many times it didn't feel like I was walking in the land of the living because I was barely aware of anything or anyone around me because I was too self focused on my own problems or heart aches. Thankfully I am not in that place anymore and that is a true miracle preformed by God. I need to remember to not be so dramatic in my thoughts and feelings and remember that He really has brought me through so many things and will continue to do so. We just need to return to our rest in trusting Him and live our lives while walking around this world and being aware of others and how God wants us to treat them. Not how we think we need to be treated.

Ebbs & Flows

Sometimes I feel like my feelings / hormones are like tidal waves ebbing and flowing. The waves pull out to sea and far away from the beach for just long enough for me to get comfy and used to it, before they come slamming back onto the shore. I do know that this also very clearly correlates with the "red tidal flow" that is due any day now (most likely today because the normal signs are already here) but somehow that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I've had such a great month of feeling filled with God's peace in my infertility circumstances. It's really been an amazing month. So it makes it feel so much more frustrating and defeating to realize the waves are suddenly back on the beach and ever so slightly pounding me. It's by no means even close to as bad as it has gotten in the past, but it just seems so contrasting to this past month that has been so amazing. I almost forgot what that pit-in-my-stomach-wanting-a-baby feels like. But now I remember. It literally makes me welcome the stupid "red tidal flow" just so I'm not so filled with the crazy hormones!

In my devotional today it talked about the "joy of discovery" and how "Paul did not discover the strength to leave his circumstances; he discovered the strength to stay!" I completely agree. Some days just dealing with the circumstances of life, infertility, whatever you may be dealing with, seem exhausting. But in persevering through those waves and continuing to strive towards God and hang on to Him, those waves will wash back out to sea and He will give us the strength to discover that blissful joy even in our current circumstances once again!

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

$3 Worth of God

I was looking over my past posts and noticed this post I wrote back in April that I never published. I think I had planned on writing more and somehow never got around to it. Then life happened and here we are almost a year later.

It's short and probably not technically finished but it made me chuckle at how true everything I wrote here has become for me over the past year. The continued struggle of infertility has made my relationship with God deeper and more necessary than I could have ever imagined. Making the choice to wait on His timing and His leading on this difficult path has grown me closer to Him and allowed me to learn things about Him and myself I would have never known otherwise. And I am so thankful for that.

I have realized that I haven't bought only $3 worth of God, but that I am truly in this relationship for the long haul with my whole body, mind, and soul. It's so refreshing to see this blessing of such a constant and close relationship and also the understanding that has come as a direct result of the anguish and suffering of my not having children at this moment in time.

So....here's the original post:


I'm going through this book Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver with some awesome women. The book is seriously so inspiring and I have learned so much from it. I read this excerpt yesterday and it really stood out to me:

"Are we willing to let God explode our comfort zone and expand our capacity for him?
Or do we want a God we can manage?
Unfortunately, a lot of the time that is exactly what we want - enough of God to make us happy, but not enough to make us change. We'd never say it, but our attitude is just what Wilbur Rees had in mind when he wrote:
I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please, not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep, but just enough to equal a cup of warm milk or a snooze in the sunshine. I want ecstasy, not transformation; I want the warmth of the womb, not a new birth. I want a pound of the Eternal in a paper sack. I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please."

This really made me think. This is what we do a lot of the time. We try to fit God into OUR schedules and OUR lives as though He didn't create us and ordain every moment of our lives. We want some "God goodness" in our lives, but don't want to necessarily change anything about our lives or wake up earlier to spend a little extra time with Him. We'd like to have the heavenly rub off on us like a magic potion, but not put in the effort to cultivate a deeper relationship.

It made me realize I want so much to make sure I'm not doing that and only allowing a small portion of God to fill my life. We can't buy God, or little parts of him. He bought us. He paid the price. It's an all or nothing sort of situation. We either except all that comes with Him or we don't. It's that simple, and that complicated all in one. I want to be an "all" type person and make my God proud that I am living for all of Him. That I am choosing enough of Him to "explode my soul" and have a "transformation."

Turning 30

I got my flu shot a few days ago and when I was filling out the paperwork I had to write down my age. It was the first time I've written "30." It was an adjustment not to write "2" as the first number since I've obviously grown accustom to that in the last decade and it made me think about what other adjustments come along with it.

Since I've turned 30 I've had more people ask me questions such as: "how do I feel about it, am I doing okay with it, and am I excited to be 30?" than any other year that I can remember.

And the answer to those questions is that I am happy to be 30! Now I know I've had a few freak out moments about getting older in the past...such as my meltdown 9 months ago when I realized I wouldn't be a mom before I was 30....a few months ago while the Clarks were here visiting and I found my first gray hair.....but as of right now I am actually very content with my age and the fact that I've turned 30! It has been a very motivating birthday for me. It has really made me think about milestones in life and how I want to live every day to the fullest. I'm trying to make every effort not to waste a single second of God's plan for me in this life.

I've even been motivated to start doing a few things that are slightly different than in the past...and really sticking to them! Number one below probably being the biggest change:

1) I've been running on a consistent basis and have discovered for the first time in my life what a "runner's high" is! I really feel amazing after running and it has become something I actually look forward to. (So weird, I know!)
2) Actually reading the books of the book clubs I'm in! :)
3) Eating more healthy things and staying away from the "non-healthy" items! As well as working harder to cook more dinners for us at home rather than eating out.
4) Spending more time with God.
5) Focusing more time on all the things I am thankful for.

This morning in my daily devotional (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young) that Janelle Perdue got for me for this birthday, I read the perfect message to sum up aging in general:

Oct. 20
I AM YOUR LIVING GOD, far more abundantly alive than the most vivacious person you know. The human body is wonderfully crafted, but gravity and the inevitable effects of aging weigh it down. Even the most superb athlete cannot maintain his fitness over many decades. Lasting abundant life can be found in Me alone. Do not be anxious about the weakness of your body. Instead, view it as the prelude to My infusing energy into your being. As you identify more and more fully with Me, My Life becomes increasingly intertwined with yours. Though the process of aging continues, inwardly you grow stronger with the passing years. Those who live close to Me develop an inner aliveness that makes them seem youthful in spite of their years. Let My Life shine through you, as you walk in the Light with Me.

Relationships

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
~ Ecclesiastes 4:12

I love my husband more than anything else in this world. I truly feel he is the biggest blessing of my life and I am so thankful for him. However, I cannot imagine being in a marriage or in any relationship without the help of God. Relationships are hard enough even with having what I consider God to be at times in our relationship - a mediator. It is so refreshing and encouraging to know I always have someone else to go to in the midst of problems or strife to be able to help determine where fault lies and when I need to change my attitude.

It's so helpful that we can go to God in prayer rather than arguing in circles. (Even though that still sometimes happens!) We can stop miscommunication by taking time out to ask God to clarify our thoughts and conversations. It's amazing to me how often I do need to look to God for advice in my circumstances and especially when meshing my female thoughts and needs with my husbands male ones. It is true that opposites attract....but in the same breath that also makes certain things inevitably difficult.

Lately I have been wanting a lot of "talk" time with Derek while lately he has been very preoccupied with studying for his upcoming boards test. (Which is probably why I'm needing it more...classic wanting what I can't have!) He does his best to listen (or pretend to listen while sideways glancing at ESPN) and sometimes that's good enough. But realistically other times I want him to talk to me like he's a girl. To gab on and on about nothingness. And that is unrealistic for him. It's just not going to happen. He's a guy (and I'm very thankful he is!)....but also not a huge "talker guy." It's in times like these though, that I am so thankful I have a loving God who can gently remind me of these things. To point out to me my unrealistic expectations ("premeditated resentments!") and to show me maybe I need to get together with a girlfriend if I am feeling that starved for nonstop chatter, instead of trying to turn my husband into a woman.

God created Derek and I perfectly for each other.....which also means He knows how different we are and how often we need to come to Him for peace keeping and communicating well. Men and women communicate very differently. But God is the perfecter of all and delights for us to bring Him into our relationship. Just as a parent adores being asked advise from a child, God desires to help us in our relationships.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you."
~ Matthew 7:7

p.s. Disclaimer: Derek and I are doing great! I don't want anyone else worrying about us. I just felt this on my heart to share how important God is in every area of our lives...especially relationships and communication! :)

Purpose

"But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.
So you too should be glad and rejoice with me."
~Philippians 2:17

Walking this road of infertility has been the hardest and most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. And it continues to be. However, lately I have come to realize that the closeness I've experienced with God through this is like none I've ever experienced before. This has brought me to the stark realization that I would honestly rather suffer through this pain if that is God's will than ever have children. I do hope and pray that this is a temporary situation and that someday I will be blessed with them, but in the past few days I have come to embrace my pain. It's still there. It hasn't left me. And it is still incredibly painful, but with it now lies a sense of purpose in my suffering. If my pain somehow helps or encourages anyone else for God's plan then it is all worth it.

I also know that the closeness I have felt with God since hitting that extreme low a few weeks ago has been incredible. I feel like He is always right there with me comforting me, holding me up at times, and leading me. It's a crazy feeling because it's so real and so constant that I can't help but be thankful and gracious. Since that breakdown I have not felt alone for one second and it has been the most amazing feeling ever.

The only way I can think to describe what I feel lately is that my flesh and spirit feel so at war. My desires and flesh want so badly to have a child that it feels like a part of me is dying it's so painful. It feels like there is a giant gaping hole in my stomach that continues all the way up my throat. Yet in that same breath my spirit is so joyful in wanting to do God's will and feeling His closeness and purpose in my situation that I also feel a peace and contentedness. I know this sounds conflicting and it feels just as conflicting inside my body as well. I don't know how long this will last, or what the future holds, but I do know who holds it and I trust in that.

Here's a song by Laura Story called Blessings that really sums it all up for me:




We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if each promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this hearts,
That this is not, this is not our home.....
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

Two Months Later

I can't believe it's been two months since I've last written but the time has flown by! I just re-read my last post (Peace and Joy), and I am so relieved and thrilled to report that I still feel that same peace and joy. I can remember writing it and thinking "oh boy, I sure hope this sticks and that I don't have a meltdown tomorrow!" And here we are over two months later and I can't believe it but I haven't even had one of those horribly sad moments since!! It's crazy but it's completely God. This peace can only be from Him.

I also feel incredibly blessed to have had so many amazing trips and visits with family and friends over the past two months as well. We even had our good friends Rian & Julie (and their dog Brewer) live with us for a month! Needless to say we have been busy and that has also accounted for the lack in writing over the past two months. I will try to be better!

Throughout this crazy busy-ness of the past two months there have been so many incredible blessings and constant reassurances that this is exactly where God has placed us and that His timing really is perfect. God has placed some really amazing couples in our lives here that are in a similar place in life (aka don't have kids yet - but DO have dogs!) :) We even had a BBQ with them and everyone brought their dogs. It was so much more fun than we ever thought possible. It was such a good laugh and it made me feel even more at peace about still being a family of "4" (including of course the pups). Even though none of them are going through infertility or even trying for kids yet, they have been such a blessing and a reminder to focus on our marriage and on others.


I read two verses yesterday that really stood out to me and I just have to share them. They seemed so perfect and applicable to so many areas in life. They are such a good reminder that the things that happen in our lives and the experiences we have are not coincidental, but are for a purpose. The bad, but also the good as well. They are all there to help others through, and also draw us nearer to God.

"The God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 1 Corinthians 1:4

"But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God."
1 Corinthians 1:9

God's timing really is perfect and it's so lovely when we can remember to sit back, relax, and enjoy what He is placing right in front of us instead of focusing on what may not be in the moment. Life is so much more enjoyable when we trust fully in the Lord's plan and don't fight against it.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

Peace and Joy

"We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
~Romans 5:3-5

I have read this verse so many times and tried to make myself believe and "feel" what it is saying. But honestly suffering is hard. It's hard to "rejoice" in our sufferings. It's called suffering because it hurts! Who doesn't feel that way? I usually just end up focusing on hoping that someday I will feel this way and for now I'll just try to keep the not rejoicing in my suffering to a minimum!

Yesterday I had an appointment with my doctor to check out my ovaries (not so fun) and discuss a few other things. My ovaries are perfectly fine and don't have any cysts or anything else wrong with them. We also discussed other possible problems and basically came to the conclusion that there really aren't any definitive solutions for me. And therefore...just keep "trying" (aka keep having sex).

After the appointment I expected to feel upset or emotional or something negative. I was surprised, however, to leave the doctors office with my tear ducts in tact. Even after driving home and discussing it with Derek, I was still surprisingly dry eyed. All yesterday I felt on watch for any moment I assumed the emotions would attack (like they always do) and I'd fall apart...but they never did.

Then this morning I realized (for maybe the first time) that I think I am actually rejoicing in my suffering. I know that may sound crazy but I can honestly look back over the past 2 years and see such a growth in the power of God in my life that I wouldn't have had without this struggle and "suffering." It has been a long hard road, but one that I find I am actually grateful for. It has brought this verse to life for me and made me able to realize the immense truth behind it. God truly does comfort us. He truly does have the best in mind for us (even when we don't agree and can't imagine any hope of a good outcome). This "hope" I've realized is also not confined to hope for a circumstance here on earth or a simple hope of having a child someday. It is a much larger encompassing hope. It's hope in the fact that God is true, God is real, that God gives total comfort, and God is preparing an amazing eternity for us where there will be no tears or sadness.

I feel like I am realizing this hope for maybe the first time in my life. Or maybe re-realizing it in a new way. Either way, I am amazed by His goodness and glory of how He truly does work all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). It may not be the good we expect or even desire but it is GOOD. And it's the best good we can't even imagine when we're back at the starting line. Two years ago if you had asked me, "would you like to struggle with infertility and not get pregnant when you think it's the right time?" Of course I would have said, "HECK NO!!!"

But now being on this marathon of infertility, I can honestly say I am so thankful God put me here. If I had to redo the past 2 years and decide whether to walk this journey of infertility or get pregnant immediately - honestly I would chose the same path I've walked thus far of infertility. I have realized a strength that only God gives that I didn't know existed before in me. I have realized a humbleness that only God gives in me. I have realized a gentleness and a compassion that only God can give inside me. I have prayed to have these things in the past and never realized that God has been working them through this experience, but He has.

I know I am in no way close to the finish line or even anywhere near being completed, but I do know that God truly does have the best plan for us. And that as soon as we surrender to Him and let Him lead our lives, thoughts, actions, and ways - He will begin to change us in amazing ways we can't even imagine. And He will fill us with a peace and a joy that is even more unimaginable.

Now I'm not naive in thinking I'll never have another sad day regarding this situation but I do truly feel that God has brought me to a turning point where I am genuinely thankful for my infertility suffering. It has brought about a closeness with Him and a perspective on life that is completely worth every second of it. I am filled with a peace and joy that only comes from God.

"We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
~Romans 5:3-5

Gray Hair

This weekend... I found my first gray hair. I know this probably sounds ridiculous to even write out, but unbeknownst to me it was pretty monumental. I've thought I've found gray hairs many times before but they've always turned out to be highlighted strands of blond hair and nothing more. However, I haven't been dying my hair now for almost 2 years and the color has officially grown out.

On Saturday as we were getting ready to go to Five Guys (SO yummy!) to get a burger with Jane and Jim, I went back in the bathroom to take a quick glance in the mirror to make sure my hair looked good. It was a beautiful sunny day and I thought it would be perfect to take some pictures in front of the house. That was when I saw the light reflect off that little gray bugger.

I ran out into the living room to have everyone confirm that this was indeed my first real gray hair. And it was. I didn't think much of it until we proceeded to get into the car and I suddenly felt a wave of grief wash over me. I was even more surprised to find tears beginning to sting my eyes. I know again this sounds silly but it felt like the turning point of getting older for me, and the reality of not being a mother again reared it's ugly head. (Along with thoughts of gray hairs and dried up ovaries!)

After hashing out my emotions with the Clarks over a burger and fries (and a few more tears), I felt much better. I was able to get my blood sugar level up (which I'm sure was part of the culprit), discuss all the positives of where I am in life, and be a little distracted by other circumstance that were going on around us.

Since then I have thankfully been blessed once again with a beautiful peace about this subject and even life itself. This verse I read this morning sums it up wonderfully:

Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say; 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'
~James 4:13-15

I know God has a plan and purpose for my life and I am honestly and truly enjoying it. It's just those darn moments when things like a silly gray hair creep in and throw it all off. It was a good learning moment for me to remember that "gray hairs" will always be lurking around to throw off our reality and make us focus on our circumstances and disappointments, instead of our Creator and His great plan. I am truly so thankful for the many things God has blessed me with and taught me over these last few years and I am especially thankful for the amazing time and growth Derek and I have had in our marriage.

As much as that gray hair made me feel like life is passing me by too quickly without certain things I want - when I reflect, I am so blessed by all the amazing time he has given me for things I wouldn't have been able to do as easily had my life gone according to MY plans. Time I've been blessed with in growing my marriage, spending quality time with family and friends visiting us here, growing new friendships here in Portland, working on our house, and especially the quality time spent growing closer to the Lord.

I'm so glad I didn't let that stupid gray hair take over my emotions (too much!) and rob me of the joy in my life at that moment. So often we are tempted to let those "gray hairs" creep in and overshadow the positives of life going on around us. Whatever form they may be in, "they" are always there waiting to have us focus on them instead of the positive realities of our life, if we let them.

This is the life the Lord has blessed me with and I am so thankful for it. And may I always remember to say 'if it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'

Milk and Honey

This morning my devotional had me read Numbers 13 - 14 and I found it to be so encouraging and eye opening for me. Here's my summarized version of basically what went on:

~ God brought the Israelites out of Egypt and out of the desert to escape all sorts of horrible things including death. He promised them a land that flowed with milk and honey. In these chapters the people are brought right up to the edge of this promised land and told to go in and scout it out. When they do, they find it is a land filled with milk and honey and that it is wonderful. Then they see the people there are big and fortified and scary. So they basically freak out and cry and say God should have let them die in Egypt or the desert because they can't deal with this situation. Then they talk about picking a new leader, turning around, and going back to Egypt because this new great land looks just too big and scary to deal with. ~

Reading this I feel I can relate so much to them! When God leads me to a place that seems too big and scary I often freak out and think it's too difficult for me to bare. Perfect recent examples of my big and scary places: not getting pregnant, heart being opened to the subject of adoption, being told to wait on adoption, being told I have complications about getting pregnant. All of these make me want to throw a five year old fit and cry just like the Israelites did. (And honestly it does make me feel a little better reading stories like this to know that I'm not the first person who acts like a big baby when I face a "hardship!") Because sometimes it does feel a little like I'm being thrown back and forth and I too want to cry out "God why didn't you....(fill in the blank)?"

I want that milk and honey....the promised land....I think we all do. Whether it's a house, a car, a husband, a baby, a better job, to be retired....the list goes on and on. And sometimes it feels like we're being brought right up to that milk and honey place only to have it snatched away or put on hold. Sometimes it feels as though we think we're being brought to it and suddenly the path veers off in a completely different direction that we weren't prepared for, and we want to stomp and shout! (Or at least that's how I feel at times!) :)

It's good for me to read these stories and remember that God works in these situations. In ALL situations. When the Israelites wanted to turn around and run, and were prepared to stone the leaders that wanted to enter the promised land,

"the glory of the Lord appeared...to all the Israelities." ~Numbers 14:10

And He will show His glory in my life and yours if we let Him. It may not be how we anticipated or even how we prayed for, but He will work in that difficult situation and show His glory if we are patient and listen to Him. And if we can't hear Him...then we wait some more. (And we keep praying).

I don't want to be like those Israelites who got so close to their own "milk and honey" only to turn away and not trust. They let their fear and their own ideas get in the way of God's plan simply because it seemed too scary and they had their own agenda.

"How God must grieve over two common approaches to His unfolding plan: those who want position without preparation and those who refuse to leave the comforts of preparation to take the position." ~Beth Moore, A Woman's Heart Devotional

It's very tempting for me to take this whole baby situation into my own hands and try to be in control but ultimately I'm not. It's a day by day process but that is how I am choosing to live my life. To follow God's plan no matter how confusing or impossible it may seem at times. I want the promised land He has planned for me....not one I can dream up and assume would be the best for me.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:9

Pruning

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ~John 15:1-2

When I'm experiencing hardship (big or small), I don't typically tend to think of it as a learning or pruning experience. I usually think of it as an annoying experience. It's so hard to remember this! All of life's difficult experiences I can learn from and grow in if I let God work in them. Little nagging annoyances such as traffic, a long wait in the grocery line, running late for a meeting, and so many much larger ones - can all be ways that God can prune me and make areas of my life more fruitful or positive.

Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ~James 1:2-4

Rarely do I feel joyful while going through something I don't like. This verse sometimes makes me laugh to think how frustratingly painful it is to think of joy when you are in pain. When I bruise my shin on the dishwasher door, am I happy? No. Do I want to scream and shout? Yes. But if I let God work in that, He can refine my character and how I react to many other circumstances in letting him control my anger in this small little one. It's so convicting for me to read this verse in James and think how often I don't let a trial or testing develop my perseverance. It also makes me think how many opportunities I've wasted and had to re-live because I didn't learn it the first time.

Now I also know I can't do this on my own. Considering joy in the midst of a storm is practically impossible for me. But with God all things are possible. This reality helps me to remember I don't have to do it on my own and I'm not expected to. Being connected to God and letting Him work in my life will allow everything to become fruitful because He is pruning me. Yes just like a plant. I am being pruned.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ~John 15:5

Hope

I was sent an awesome devotional by my amazing friend Tiffany today that reflected on the difference between what you hope in vs. what you hope for.

I first read it and thought oh that's good. Then I thought about it for another moment and realized there is a big difference between the two. It's easy to answer the what you hope for part. I hope for health and happiness, I hope to have children someday, I hope we pay off our house someday, I hope for lots of things. But reading this made me realize that sometimes those hopes can feel empty or hopeless. On days I struggle with feeling sad about not having children - that hope doesn't sustain me...it can almost bring me down more with the enormousness of how long I feel that I have been hoping, and waiting, for it.

But when I think of what you hope in, that is a completely different question. It's not as simple as everyday circumstances. What I hope in is Jesus. That God is in the driver seat and has a plan for my life that is perfect. I may not be able to see that plan and it can be painful at times but only because I am focusing on the situation at hand, and not on what I hope in. Hoping for can be empty and feel like it may never happen. Hoping for when you really focus on it long enough can shut out all light around it and be a stumbling block and feel never ending. But when I fix my eyes on the truth that is in Jesus and that He has a plan for me, and that I will spend eternity with Him in heaven - that is what I hope in. I know a God who loves me and has the best planned for me even when I don't agree.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~Romans 8:28

When I focus on what I hope in, it makes the what I hope for more bearable. It makes it so that things don't seem forever away or hopeless. It makes the hoping for seem more hopeful. Concentrating on what is real and true and good - that God cares for me and takes care of me and truly has the best for me - that is what I hope in, and what sustains me.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Romans 15:13

Fear

"You did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave, again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship, and by Him we cry 'Abba, Father."
~Romans 8:15

Fear is a tricky thing. Sometimes you don't even realize you are fearing something and other times it can be painfully obvious. It can creep up and paralyze you before you even have time to think through the logistics of the situation. Fear has become somewhat of a constant battle for me especially in the subject of adoption. There are so many fears I can become a slave to if I allow it. Fear that we wont be able to raise the money to adopt a child. Fear that we will adopt and won't know the first thing about how to raise a child. Fear that I won't be a good enough mother, wife, etc. Fear that I wont catch on quickly enough at my new customer service job. The list can go on and on if I let it.

But that is the key - IF I allow it. All these fears haven't happened. They are just figments of my imagination. I read a great quote the other day that made me realize I am striving to get rid of any fear I feel but sometimes that is not the important part to dwell on. It's continuing on and pursing the path regardless of fear and trusting in God to lead me.

"Courage is not the opposite of fear, it is following your
convictions in the face of fear."
-Dr. John Perkins

Compassion

"...and whoever welcomes a little child like this in My name welcomes Me." -Matthew 18:5

For the past several weeks and maybe even months I have seen the title "Compassion" everywhere. I knew that it was a group you could sponsor a child through but never looked much into it. Through this struggle of not being able to get pregnant it has crossed my mind that there are other children out there needing the support both financially and emotionally that we could provide but I hesitated to look into it. It has been such an emotional and raw subject for me and at times almost unbearable. So I avoided looking at these children thinking it would put my emotional meter over the edge.

As much as I avoided looking into this group, however, the more I saw it. On my yahoo banner, facebook, other people's blogs, everywhere. I finally gave in and looked it up and felt a giant tugging on my heart for these precious little children. I talked with Derek and we decided to look at the website together. It's a feeling I can't explain really but it's a way that God squeezes my heart and speaks to me consistently and it's always followed by me crying. We happened upon a boy named Christopher who the website said had been waiting for a sponsor for over 6 months. I burst into tears and we decided he was the one. It so happens that he lives in Kenya with his grandmother. I don't know where his parents are or even if they are alive but I know that he does live in a very HIV/AIDS affected area and is very much in need.

I just received my packet of information about him today and it is just the most amazing thing to me that I can sit here wanting a child so much of my own, and across the world sits a child wanting someone to care for him so much. I know it's not like this child is mine but I do feel that this was a situation placed in front of me by God that I couldn't ignore any longer.

There are so many children in need out there and helping this one at least solves a problem for one. I'm so thankful God brought this to my attention so that I could be moved outside my world and refocus on God's plans. (I've attached a link below in case you'd like to look at the website!)

Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. -Psalm 103:2-5

www.compassion.com

Daily Bread

I am going through this devotional with a bunch of other women at my friend's church and it has been absolutely amazing. I have loved each day being refreshed with so many interesting facts and also reminders for my daily life. I wanted to share a short snippet from today's lesson that so spoke to my heart. It leaves off from yesterday where God is providing food for His people in the desert who have listened to His command to leave Egypt to go to the promised land. They are starving and grumbling against God and He provides for them.

"I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day." - Exodus 16:4

"Each one is to gather as much as he needs....he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each one gathered as much as he needed." - Exodus 16:16-18

"Give us today our daily bread." - Matthew 6:11

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

God provides for us each day. Whether we experience that provision, however, is up to us. Will we listen to our instruction and go out and gather what is necessary to receive that provision of grace and mercy? It's clear that God instructed his people to be an active part in receiving their provision. Bread was not dropped inside their tents. They had to go out and get it. It's the same way with us. Am I spending time seeking God, praying, and getting in His Word? I know that when I don't, I do feel spiritually starving and everything in my life becomes more difficult. But when I draw near to Him and seek Him, I am filled with His provision and satisfaction.

It also talks about this being a DAILY experience. They couldn't store up enough food for all week in one day. They were instructed to gather their bread daily. We also can't store up our spiritual reserves for a week in one day. It is a daily need. This is something I feel that has been presented to me so many times in my life, yet is something that is so easy to forget. How? I'm not sure. But I know that when I listen and gather His provision each day, it makes things a whole lot better. I am more focused on the important details of life and don't feel the nagging despair of "what if's" or "what could be's." God is right there outside our tent just throwing bread at us....will we choose today to go out and gather it?

Manna

Sorry I have been missing for quite some time, I am back now! The past two weeks were filled with starting my new job and also Derek's first vacation, part of which we spent in San Diego visiting with friends, family, and attending Kristine's wedding. It has also been filled with last minute paper signings, getting quotes, and trying not to worry over other details surrounding our purchasing our first home.

The job has been going great and I have really loved learning about the grapes, vines, soil, and wine. It has really been so interesting as well as meeting some great people. My drive is unbelievable and every time I've made it I am reminded of God's greatness in His creation. It is really amazing.

This morning I came across this verse in my devotional:

"Then the Lord said to Moses, 'I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions." -Exodus 16:4

This verse follows the people grumbling about how they should have been left in Egypt to die with food rather than be brought to their promised land and be hungry on the way. This rings true in so many areas of my life. How often do we look backwards or think wishful "if only" thoughts about what we think could be better. How often do we forget that this is the path God has placed us on the way to His promised land for us only to grumble that we're not satisfied. I know I am guilty of this and fail often at remembering to listen to God's instructions and trust in His plan.

God provided for the people in the desert with manna just like he provides for us daily. Regardless of in what form He manifests, He is always there, always providing - if we will only listen and follow. This reminded me today to let God's manna fall on me in so many ways. Are you allowing Him to do so in your life today?

Endure Hardship

I have been feeling a little disconnected from God recently and I'm sure a large part is due to the familiar cloud of hormones surrounding the fact that I have begun that monthly marker proving once again that I am not pregnant. It's strange how the hormones can effect so many areas of life. My time with God, my relationships with friends, my relationship with Derek, even how I react towards my dogs! It effects everything about how I feel towards the world. It seems that during this week people at the grocery store are more frustrating, drivers on the road are worse, neighbors are louder, and all the little things that normally don't bother me are more annoying. Not to say that I don't have these days outside of this week, because I do. It seems that sometimes the smallest things in life can seem like a gigantic hardship.

I have been feeling the effects of multiple hardships this week (some small and some large) and this morning came across these two verses that tugged on my heart and reminded my soul of God's fresh perspective and purpose.

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons...No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." -Hebrews 12:7 & 11

Hardship as discipline. I feel like I can sometimes see that and other times am blind to it. I feel as though sometimes (like lately) I just get tired of it. I'm tired of the waiting. I'm tired of taking the dogs down stairs to go outside to the bathroom. I'm tired of worrying about finances. I'm tired of lots of things. And then I come across verses like this that remind me there is a purpose behind each and every little situation that crosses my path. It's not simply random. There is a reason God is allowing me this hardship to grow me and strengthen me. It is for good and not bad. It all comes back to trust. Am I trusting that God is in control of even the smallest annoyances in my life?

When I trust, it brings such a peace to me and wipes out the familiar feeling of irritation and bitterness. Bitterness. Such a common companion to hardship. I notice it creep in especially at times like these where everything in life seems like a hardship. Whether it is bitterness at a driver on the road, someone who has something I wish I had, or at anyone or anything else (yes sometimes I feel bitter at those stairs!), it makes things worse. It can become all consuming and it spreads like wildfire. It is like tying a bow on top of the package of hardship to keep it sealed right inside of us. Then it festers and grows.

But when I am able to trust God in these hardships and see a purpose behind them, then there is no room for bitterness. I have no one (or no thing) to be bitter at when I am trusting there is a reason and a lesson to glean from my hardship. It's difficult. It's called a HARDship for a reason. It tests us and refines us. No matter what the hardship, we all have our different ones. They are all hard to us individually and no one can say that one person's is worse than another's because they can't possibly know. Each hardship is specific to each person and can help us grow and blossom into the person God has created us to be if we let it. There is a reason and a point to all of it, even as difficult as it is while we are in it. God can (and will) use the difficult to turn things beautiful. Let's choose to let those hardships change us for good and not bad!

"See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." -Hebrews 12:15

Satisfied

"You open Your hand & satisfy the desire of every living thing." -Psalm 145:16

Sometimes it's hard to remember the difference between need and want. Sometimes we feel like wants are needs. It's so refreshing to remember that God does truly satisfy all our desires and needs even if in a timing that is not our own. If we look to Him and truly draw close to Him, he gives us a peace that fills those holes of desire in our lives. When we focus on Him, we don't feel lacking in anything.

"In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled...I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:12-13

Even right now in my waiting I feel content and filled by a God who is so amazing that only He can fill those places in my heart and nothing else. At this moment in time I may not have the desires that I feel are most significant in my "wanting" category such as a baby or a house but I am still filled and content and joyful. Those places in my heart are filled to overflowing by a loving God who gives abundantly. It's amazing to me that even in a period of waiting or growing how much peace and joy God gives when you draw near to Him.

One of my favorite (and most often used) phrases I have been saying for the past few months has been that if you pray for patience you are not zapped with it, but are instead given opportunities to grow in patience. A friend emailed me a list of things that go perfectly with that phrase:

I asked for strength.....
and God gave me challenges to make me strong

I asked for wisdom......
and God gave me problems to solve

I asked for courage......
and God gave me danger to overcome

I asked for love......
and God gave me troubled people to help

I asked for favors......
and God gave me opportunities

I asked for prosperity.......
and God gave me brain and brawn to work

I received nothing I wanted....
but was given everything I needed to evolve and shine into the person I am meant to be

There is a point and a plan to everything, even when we cannot see it. So often it doesn't make sense. Which is why it is so reassuring to know that God is in control of it and I don't need to wonder why or worry about it because it is all in His hands. He is shaping me into the woman I am meant to be through every detail of my life and I am so thankful for that.