A New Mother's Day

Over the past many years, Mother's Day has previously been an incredibly difficult and complicated day for me for the simple reason that I was not a mother myself...yet I was blessed with a wonderful mother and mother to my husband, wonderful grandmothers, as well as many amazing friends who were mothers. It's not that I didn't appreciate the day itself or those it honored, it's that in the past this day brought up the stark reality of my then painful situation and lonely sadness.

One of the hardest and most memorable was 3 years ago. It was one of the worst years emotionally for me where I rarely went more than a few days without crying in between. I came home emotionally exhausted from working at the winery on Mother's Day (having a million people ask me if I was a mother yet or planned to have children) to find that Derek had arranged a surprise "Mother's Day Sucks" party for me! It was one of the sweetest things he's ever done. He decorated the entire back yard with balloons, flowers, streamers, and chocolate covered strawberries. My favorite was that on each mylar ballon that said "Happy Mother's Day!" he wrote in black sharpie underneath "sucks." In that moment I connected with my husband in a way that I couldn't have if I hadn't experienced the terrible hurt of infertility. To see that he understood my pain and acknowledged it while also putting such a thoughtful and humorous spin on it was a turning point for me in healing and in not feeling completely alone in my situation. As crazy or weird as it may sound, it was exactly what I needed and somehow made me feel better in the midst of a terribly painful and lonely time.

This Mother's Day, however, marks the first one that I have not dreaded in as long as I can remember. To say I have been healed and changed is an understatement and I am so incredibly thankful. I have so many reasons to be thankful for and especially for all the children I do have in my life. My sweet goddaughters whose mom, Tif, so sweetly sent me Mother's Day flowers that are filling my whole house with such a beautiful fragrance right now. It's a reminder of the love that I get to share with so many amazing children and that I do get to experience moments of motherhood through my friends and family and all their children. It's such a blessing to me now that I get to have a different perspective and love on them in ways that I wouldn't be able to if I were taking care of my own. It's a beautiful thing and only made possible by God. I'm so thankful. I'm thankful that this is who God made me to be and I wouldn't be without having gone through infertility or experiencing all those painful Mother's Days.

However, I know that this day still causes much pain for many people. Whether it is waiting to have a child of their own, mourning the loss of a child or children, or missing their mother - Mother's Day can be an extremely difficult and heart wrenching day. Having a very close friend who just lost her baby and will mourn this day, I feel an empathetic sadness about this day for her. I feel for her, I hurt for her, I dread this day for her...and I pray that it will pass quickly for her and that she will not have to endure another Mother's Day like this. As easy as it is to remember all the mother's in our lives, I want to make a conscious effort to remember all those who find this day difficult instead of filled with joy. There have been so many people in my life that reached out to me on Mother's Day and the days leading up to it to check in on me and I can't express how thankful I was for that. How just being acknowledged meant the world to me and that I wasn't forgotten just because I didn't have a baby bouncing on my lap. Let's make it a point to reach out to those who may be finding this day difficult. It may be uncomfortable and you don't know what to say and that's ok. Just tell them you love them. You're praying for them. You're thinking about them. Just let them know they are not forgotten on this day.

This Mother's Day I am truly thankful. I'm thankful that I have a wonderful mother. I'm thankful for my mother in law and the amazing man she created. I'm thankful that I have many friends and family members that are mothers. I'm thankful for all the amazing children in my life because of those mothers. I'm thankful for the future children who will be in my life because of those mothers and other mothers I may have yet to even meet. All I know is that God didn't leave me out of Mother's Day, He just had a different role for me in it. It's a beautiful day and I'm so thankful to be included in the lives of those who are. And to those who aren't able to find this day beautiful yet...just wait, you will. It may not be how you envisioned, but someday the pain will subside and you too will feel joy again.

"God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain..." -Revelation 21:4

Words

An amazing thing about having gone through infertility is that it gives you an empathy for other people's struggles like no other. Before having gone through it, I always felt for people. I really did. I've always been an over empathetic, feel-y, and super emotional person. But having experienced what felt like a loss every month for YEARS upon YEARS really changed my empathy relation into a full blown experience with others. Especially when that experience is along side a very close friend. It's interesting to me how things can affect me in ways like it's my own personal experience...even though it's not anymore. It has made me so much more aware of the effect people's words can have on others and how often people don't realize the severity of their words. I know most people aren't out to purposely hurt others, it's just that they can't relate because they haven't experienced a similar hurt. And I'm glad that many people have that innocence that they can't relate, because otherwise life would be very very sad. It's just that sometimes we need to look at situations and know that we are not in control, we don't know what the outcome will be like, and that's ok. We don't have to fill the silence with meaningless words that we don't mean or don't truly know. We can simply say we are sorry and don't know what in the world to say...because really there aren't any words.

I recently read in a bible study the story about Jesus telling His disciples what was going to happen to Him and Peter not knowing what to say did the same thing as we do all the time...

'From that time Jesus began to show His disciples that He must go to Jerusalem, and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised up on the third day. Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, "God forbid it, Lord! This shall never happen to You." But He turned and said to Peter, "Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God's interests, but man's."' -Matthew 16:21-23

Even Peter, who walked alongside Jesus, couldn't handle life going differently than what the normal constituted or from what was "expected," and tried to say he knew differently how things would go. But sometimes things are going to go differently than what is expected or even desired. That still doesn't mean that God isn't in control.

I can't count the amount of people and times that I have been told over the past 9 plus years that I would get pregnant and/or have a child. Sometimes people even told me specific time frames (all of which have long ago passed). I don't blame them or hold any grudges. I understand. Just like Peter, we all sometimes can't handle a situation going differently than what we desire for ourselves or even for someone else. Walking through the loss of a child with my dear friend, I have unfortunately witnessed many similar situations of people not knowing what to say and filling the void with telling her the "positive future" in many different forms. Again, nothing against them. I know I used to do the exact same thing before my experience with infertility.

Hopefully we can move forward and try to remember that God is in control and is the only one that truly knows the future. Only He can tell us the plan. We just need to support one another, be there for each other, and love on one another....through all the bad but also all the good. Because God does say that there WILL be good...we just don't know what it will look like exactly.

'Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that."' -James 4:14-15

Catching Up, New Card Blog, & a Whole Lot More!

I can't believe a whole week has flown by since I've last written! It has been a whirlwind but an awesome one at that! Here's a recap of my week:

~ First, I want to thank each and every one of you for your sweet comments on my previous posts! I so enjoy reading each of them. They are so encouraging and I am so very blessed through each one. THANK YOU!!!

~ I had my birthday celebration last Friday evening and had a wonderful turnout! It was so amazing to be surrounded by such awesome friends and to feel so loved. I had a great time and was so blessed by everyone that came.




~ I have been thinking and praying a lot lately about getting a part time job for some extra income but haven't had any idea of where to look. Last Friday my dear friend, Mary, suggested working in the tasting room at the winery she works at. She talked to her manager on Tuesday, I went in for an interview today, and got hired! I start training next Tuesday and am absolutely thrilled. Everyone was so sweet and seemed to really love working there. It's crazy how fast it all happened and I feel so blessed.

~ Still no news about the house but I am being patient in the waiting!!!

~ I have decided to make a website/blog to sell my greeting cards on! It's called Lindsey Michele Cards. I will be adding more cards to it regularly and would love for you to check it out! It's only in the beginning stages for now but I will try to get more cards uploaded soon.

~ The Beth Moore study I've been going to each Tuesday has been awesome and I have really enjoyed being taken back through the Old Testament and learning about things I never knew. We spent a lot of time in Genesis, the Garden of Eden, and talking about God's covenant with us this past week. As I was driving to the winery this morning the beautiful scenery made me think of Eden and how similar and peaceful it must have been. The straight rows of fruit trees, nut trees, and vineyards. The sheep, goats, cows, and horses roaming through the pastures. The rolling hills, fields of corn, and miles of blackberries lining the road. It was stunning. I love when that happens. Going through a study of the bible and being reminded of it and God's presence at the most uncommon times. If we look for it, He is always around us in everything. I love those moments when I remember to take it in and notice.


~ Summing up my week - as crazy as it has been, it has been do-able and enjoyable because it has been graced with the presence of the Lord. I have really made a strong effort to draw even closer to Him and to not pass up those moments alone with Him. It truly pays off when we draw close to Him and I have felt the blessing of that truth so strongly throughout this week. This morning as I was stressing about my interview I came across this perfect verse:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9

It was simply perfect. Whatever we face each day whether it be stressful, wonderful, difficult, good, or bad; He is there with us. Walking right along side us holding our hand and experiencing it with us. It is so good to know He is always right there.




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Our First Visitors in Portland

July and August have been awesomely filled with friends and family visiting us here in Portland. We have been very blessed with having so many people be able to come enjoy our new city with us and it has been filled with tons of fun outings. We are so thankful so many people could come out to see our new home so soon after getting settled in here.

Here are a few pictures and recaps of some of the memories!

One of my best friends from San Diego, Tiffany Sepp, came to visit in early July and we had a blast. It was a quick 24 hour trip but we crammed lots of great girl time in. I got to show her the city, we did some wine tasting in beautiful wine country (Argyle Winery & Erath Winery), had an amazing lunch at Dundee Bistro, and got great girl hang out time at our house that night.

Just about three weeks later my parents stopped by for a few nights with their close friends, Don and Patty Simons. They were doing their summer road trip in the motorhome and stopped off in Portland to spend a few days with us. They parked their motor home right out on the street and played like the "Clampets!" We really had a great time with them and did lots during the three days they were here. We went wine tasting at Willakenzie Estate, which is our favorite. (It's also the one I met my friend Mary at previously. Talked about it in previous BLOG) Then we went to Rex Hill Winery and loved that too.
Then we took a ride on the Portland Spirit Boat Cruise (same one Derek and I did when we first moved here) and they all loved it.
Derek was finally able to meet up with us for happy hour & appetizers at Departure, the restaurant on top of the Nine's Hotel. It had a beautiful view (15th floor) but it wasn't quite our scene. We still had a lovely time regardless. We then went to El Gaucho for dinner afterwards which was awfully hilarious seeing that we were all in shorts, tank tops, sandals, and had obviously been on a boat earlier. Everyone in the restaurant had tuxedos on. We were going to leave but they insisted we stay...so we decided to eat dinner off their happy hour menu in the bar area. After awhile we got over the fact that compared to our server we looked like a bunch of bums. When we left the hostess gave us a $25 gift certificate (since we were new to the area) to come back and have dinner in the restaurant. That was pretty awesome!
We also played a little Boche Ball on the lawn up the street from us in front of the new townhomes they are building. We brought the dogs and Bear had a blast running after the balls and moving them. It sure made the game more interesting!
Four days later the Clarks arrived! They stayed for a bit longer so we had time to do a few more things. There is so much to do here though, that we still didn't get to do even half of what we would love to show everyone. It really is an amazing city filled with tons of places to see and things to do.
The first night they were here we went to a cute little restaurant down the street from our house called Hall Street Grill. We had an amazing dinner followed by some amazing desserts that were all locally grown and handmade. Delicious!! The following day we met up with Derek and did a tour of the hospital and then had lunch with him in a cafe there. That night we had a spectacular dinner at Portland City Grill (30th floor!) and the view was absolutely stunning.
We also took them to encounter Voodoo donuts since Jane is such a donut lover. She was very pleased with the outcome. We even acted more like locals and ordered a dozen individually instead of having them pick the donuts out for us. We also found a wall outside of Voodoo that describes the theme of Portland very well!
I also took Jane and Jim on the Portland Spirit since it is now one of our staples to take people on. The water, the piano player, the ambiance - it's just really awesome.
We had dinner at our new favorite place called The Raccoon Lodge. They have a picnic area outside where we can bring the dogs with us AND they have sour beers. Our new love!
We also went to the Bite of Oregon Festival. There are tons of restaurants there with all the food and drinks to sample you could want. It was great fun!

We had such a great time with all of our visitors and look forward to many returning trips as well as new visitors!! We feel so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends and also to be able to share such an amazing city with them that we can finally call home.

Portland Festivals & Friends

(Hanging out with Craig & Mika McDougall! Great couple!)

Besides having many visitors come here, these past two months in Portland have also been filled with getting involved in ORFN (OHSU Resident Family Network) and other friends we have met here. ORFN is a network group that organizes events for spouses of doctors at OHSU that include bookclubs, interest nights, girls night out, family BBQ's, and much more. It has been an amazing way to meet other women going through this same stage of life and I have really been blessed to meet some great ones. We have also met some great couples through Derek's work and even one through a winery!

Portland is also known for it's amazing festivals. When we first moved here they had the Rose Festival. Then recently we went to the Portland Local Beer Festival (which turned out to be huge) with some guys from Derek's work and their wives and had such a great time we actually had them all over for dinner the following weekend! I didn't really like beer much before moving here but actually found quite a few I enjoyed! I am now a big fan of SOUR beers! If you haven't ever had one - you must come here to try them. DELICIOUS!

When Jane and Jim were here last weekend we went to the Bite of Oregon Festival with them and had a great time as well. There were so many different restaurants with food and drinks to sample. It was a great feast!
I have also been able to attend lots of events through ORFN including Book Club, Girls Night Out, Dessert Exchange Night, and last night for the first time a christian women's book club which was so awesome. I am really excited about the book we are going through called The Love Dare. It's based on 1 Corinthians 13 in the bible about love. Loving God and loving your husband in the same way God loves us. It has really been amazing so far.

1 Corinthians13: 4-8

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I have met some really great women at all of these events and am looking forward to getting to know them even better in the future. Here is a picture from our first Girls Night Out a couple weeks ago at Bartini. I know there will be lots more events to attend and I just feel so blessed to have met such amazing women already in such a short period of time. God is so good!

San Diego in July

In the middle of July (between all our visitors) I was able to make a trip to San Diego to be in Jen Borba's (now Wallace's) wedding, see baby Henry Jones, and see my new niece Addison Lynn. It was a whirlwind weekend but so great to see so many people.

My first stop in San Diego (actually ended up being in Orange County) was Jen Borba / Wallace's wedding. After missing my flight the night before, I re-routed my flight to Orange County instead of San Diego and got on the first flight out the morning of the wedding. (Only slightly stressful...I didn't not tell Jen, however, until I walked into the hotel room so she didn't have to stress over being one bridesmaid short the day of the wedding!) Jane and Jim picked me up from the airport and dropped me off at the bridal hotel to get ready. It was a beautiful wedding and I was so blessed to be a part of it. It was so wonderful to see Jen get married and to such a great guy. I also had a ton of fun with her other bridesmaids hanging out before and during the wedding. They are a great group of girls.

My second stop was to the Jones' household in Fallbrook to see Lindsay and her boys. I drove down right after the wedding and got there pretty late. I spent the night but we only hung out for about a half hour before hitting the hay. We were both exhausted from long nights previously. Baby Henry had just turned 7 weeks old and it was so fun to see how much Harrison has taken on the role of the big brother. They are both so sweet. It was so fun to see Lindsay and have a relaxing breakfast together before continuing my drive down to Carmel Valley. Even though the trip was short it was oh-so-sweet.

Next stop was to Carmel Valley to Danica and Andrew's house where I got to meet my new niece Addison Lynn and play with my adorable nephew, Aidan. We had a blast and I got to take a million pictures of Addison. My parents and Grandma Law also came up for a visit so I really got to see the whole family.

Since my in-laws were so sweet to let me borrow Jane's car, I was able to drive back Wednesday morning to orange county before flying back up to Portland. I had a lovely lunch with Jim and G'pa Whittington before Jim drove me to the airport. It was a whirlwind very short visit but I managed to see just about as many people as you possibly could in that short of time. It was really wonderful to see everyone and I'm glad I could make the trip down. (I also wrote about my airport experience on the way back to Portland HERE. It was a good one!)