Halfway There

Since I last posted about a month ago a lot has grown, both in my belly size, as well as in my heart. The desire for this little guy has increased exponentially, which I'm very happy about. I've also grown a lot in my trust and surrendering department as well. 

A little over a week ago I had a lovely little melt down regarding all this as well as a very healthy breakthrough on the whole surrendering and desire subject that I previously wrote about. I was sitting having my morning coffee and reading my book while enjoying the view, when I suddenly burst into tears for seemingly no reason. And we're talking hysterical - gasping for breath - crying tears. Processing it out, I had a good little look inside my tender heart and all the emotions it has been battling and growing in for some time now. Spoiler alert - it was a breath of fresh air to allow my heart to honestly feel everything this rollercoaster has presented in my journey, and allow myself to really feel all the feels openly. I'm super thankful for it and feel immensely better from it. This is what I wrote in those moments...

     ~   It's a mixture of love, desire, and fear. It reminds me of when I avoided saying yes to dating Derek for those, what he would describe as pain-stakingly long 2 months (almost 19 years ago). I remember being terrified of the inner knowledge I somehow had that if I opened myself up to my feelings for this man, that I would experience such a depth of love that I would be changed forever and at that time couldn't even comprehend. I feel like I'm at that gate again. Sometimes the love I feel towards Derek is so overwhelming it practically hurts. When we're not together (even just away at work) my heart often misses him in a way that is painful in it's desire to be near him. I can't imagine putting another human even close to that depth and it feels as though I'm not sure I have the capacity to. It scares me. 

  I also know there is a healthy boundary when it comes to loving a child that society tells us no longer exists. I'm scared to be tempted to love him too much and forget to hand him (and control) over to God constantly as he is His to love first. It's almost easier to detach a little right now since he's so intangible (besides this growing belly). But I know a day is coming when he'll be outside, and it will be impossible to separate these feelings. I want to make sure to love him well as God created me to. Not less, and not more.   ~

Then immediately afterwards (timed not so coincidentally - thanks God!) I read this in my book, Desire by John Eldridge, and it resonated so perfectly for me as well as summed up exactly what I was feeling and needed to hear: 

"One thing I have come to embrace is this: we have to let it go. The more comfortable we are with the mystery in our journey, the more rest we will know along the way... And if we are willing to let go, we'll discover something most surprising - that all is ours. That is why reaching to possess is one danger of which the heart alive must be wary. Those who have given up caring aren't tempted by this. But once we know what we want, we must learn the grace of release...

We place on the altar something very dear to us, something innocent, whose only danger is in its goodness, that we might come to love it too much. It is the act of consecration, where little by little or all at once, we give over our lives to the only One who can truly keep them...

True surrender is not an easy out, calling it quits early in the game. This kind of surrender comes only after the night of wrestling. It comes only after we open our hearts to care deeply. Then we choose to surrender, or give over our deepest desires to God. And with them, we give over our hearts, our deepest selves. The freedom and beauty and rest that follow are among the greatest of all surprises."

I can't express the freedom and rest I have felt since this sweet little meltdown and following reading. It was like God took me through the feelings and emotions on my own of exactly what was written in those pages only moments before I read them. They felt so comforting and reassuring and confirming in all of it. That I'm not crazy. That the feelings are normal and real and understandable. But most importantly they do not have to overtake me in a negative way. They can absolutely be healthy to have as long as I give them up to the Giver of them in the first place. He can take care of them much better than I can. It's honestly a relief to feel, and has made this pregnancy that much more enjoyable. Yes, I can honestly say I am even enjoying this ride now. I truly never thought I would experience pregnancy, and most days still can't even, but I can also say that I feel so in awe and wonder at the blessing of this miracle growing inside me and can't wait to meet him in God's perfect timing. 

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

Philippians 4:6-7

Surrender

Reading the Christmas story and how Mary responded to hearing she was having an unplanned baby, it's quite amazing how immediately she was able to surrender her future plans, her fears of what others would think, if she could handle it, whether her fiancé would stay with her, or even if she wanted this major change in her life at all. Her response was simply pure, immediate surrender to God and then went on to give Him glory because she trusted in Him and His plans so completely. 

Even though I did none of the above responses, I am grateful to have moved past the shock and denial of my immediate response, and to have been able to surrender those early feelings. (If you haven't read my last blog post, it explains in more detail that I've even moved into loving this little monster now!! 💙) I'm so thankful that I do feel thankful for this unexpected surprise now, and can even call it a blessing. 

This subject of surrender has come up a lot recently and it has made me realize the importance of it in my life right now (as well as always), and especially with all these new current changes going on. I previously had learned to surrender my plans of wanting a child to God and He blessed that through giving us peace and joy in not having kids. In complete contrast, I have now pretty much surrendered the whole, "we're not having kids" plans of our lives and am currently trusting in His plan with this pregnancy. However, I am now realizing that I once again am having to learn to surrender again in a whole new way. 

I am having to surrender the now growing desire to actually have this child. When I wasn't excited about the pregnancy, it was easy not to worry about the future of it or even think of it as a real future plan (or honestly even care too much about it). But after much time passing, learning the "it" is in fact a "he," and now coming to terms with the growing love we're both experiencing for him ... there is the new desire to have and hold this child which comes with the temptation to worry it won't actually happen, or that I have any sort of control to hold onto this plan and be in charge of it. Why I would think I could possibly have control over it now, considering this subject of infertility/fertility has been such a clear area of us NOT being in control, is beyond me. Apparently I'm a slow learner. 

Surrender is such a hard thing to do. It doesn't happen easily (at least not to me) in any relationship or situation. I read in a devotional the other day a great definition of surrender: "To yield to the power of another." That's difficult. Especially when there are desires involved. It causes us to give up our (perceived) control and trust in another to take care of things in our lives. This does not come naturally for many people and especially not me. It's much easier to deny that the desires even exist than be vulnerable with how we really feel ... or stress and try to take over control rather than trust in another, even when that "other" is God who is way more qualified to be in control! 

Years ago I had to surrender my desires for a child and finally (after many years) was able to do that successfully. For years I wanted a baby so badly I literally thought I would die if I didn't have one. I mean, it was bad. There was a period of time there that Derek was worried I might actually abduct a child ... as in when he'd hear there was a code pink at the hospital (a stolen / missing baby lockdown) he'd wonder where I was! (Only slightly kidding) But I finally (after many years of prayer and trusting) handed those desires over to God and thankfully got to that place of being at peace without kids ... because I finally realized that God can be trusted with control over my future and desires, and that He has a plan for me that can be trusted in. 

As you know, I have once again had to surrender those opposite desires for not having children to God now that He has placed a miracle baby in my womb (oh the Lindsey of years ago would scream at me to even read that this was a surrender issue for me!). I feel that again I have pretty much completely surrendered to God in trust finally, and have fully given in to the excitement and love for this child (why do these lessons take so long for me to learn!?). I've also had to surrender the whole eating and body changing issues (which is a constant work in progress). Monday night I backslid a little on having this one under control and was crying when Derek got home because I felt full but hungry (and super uncomfortable...my belly already feels like there's not much room in there) and couldn't figure out what to eat, or even if I wanted to eat. Yeah...still working on that one but trying really hard!

Now I'm realizing that I once again am having to surrender a new desire. A big one. I actually desire this baby to come to be and since I have a deep desire for that, the temptation to fear the loss of the desire (aka baby) wants to creep in. If you don't want something, or don't care either way, you don't fear the loss of it. But if you do want something, then there is the possibility of loss. This is a common theme in life and one that I felt I learned over and over again monthly through infertility. Each month I felt a huge loss wanting so badly for there not to be a period at the end of it. 

I know that God brought this baby into being and he is His to take care of. And I want to fully surrender that to God. (Obviously we're not in control considering we couldn't make a baby happen for the life of us for 15 years!) I'm just a work in progress in the learning department ... as usual. It is a little weird and bittersweet to be at this point because honestly I was pretty afraid in the beginning that I'd never feel the hopes and desires towards this baby that I used to feel back in the day when we were trying for kids. I wasn't sure I'd ever even have the desires I'm feeling already, which I am now convinced will continue to grow even more. So, I am truly thankful for these desires, but almost equally as frustrated at the fact that now I need to once again grow in the area of surrendering. Surrender is hard because it's growth. Growing is difficult. (My belly can also vouch for that) I truly am thankful for the growth, but also just trying to be honest that there is hard work involved as well. And I want to do the work. I know it's worth it. Some days it just feels a little more overwhelming than others ... especially with all these rouge hormones bouncing around in here!

However, one fun positive thing about growth and being on board with everything now is that this baby does keep growing and we are getting more attached with each passing day ... AND we've even decided on a name for this hungry little monster! I think that has also really helped my love grow for him and I definitely feel more connected to him calling him by name now. I'm pleased to introduce to you, our son, Nathan William Clark. 😍 

(December 17th, 2019 - Sucking his thumb already!)

(December 25th, 2019 - Little Christmas wave!)

"LORD, I know that people's lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps." Jeremiah 10:23

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

"Ah Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for you."

Jeremiah 32:17

"But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength; 

Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning,

For You have been my stronghold and a refuge in the day of my distress.
Psalm 59:16

Finding Joy

Just having got back from a trip in Florida to swim with manatees, I feel like my heart could burst with joy. I’m still coming down from the high of swimming with such majestic, playful, incredible animals. They are like giant puppies of the sea and my heart is hooked on them. I currently feel so thankful and at no surprise having just had this incredible week with them, as well as even more incredible people. However, upon talking to a very close friend of mine about the subject of joy, it made me realize that what I am experiencing isn’t just a circumstantial feeling of happiness that comes and goes. 

It’s stemming from what I’ve been learning lately about tapping into my heart and truly living from it. I’ve been realizing (much through the help of an incredible book I’ve been going through called Waking the Dead by John Eldridge) that our heart is the key to living a full life, and fully embracing the joy we were meant to experience. I’ve come to realize in the past few years that I have a very tender heart and I’ve come to appreciate it and no longer shy away from it, or be embarrassed about it. Yes, I cry at commercials, the NFL draft, and of course over manatees. But that’s a good thing and I’ve realized it’s an ability to tap into my heart completely and experience joy on an extreme level. Being vulnerable and open to those feelings and not cutting them off, to seem like I’ve got it all together (as I’ve done for many years before), has opened up a store house of immense thankfulness…which has led directly to immense joy. 

Yes I am super blessed and thankful to have swam with manatees and experienced great fellowship in Crystal River. However, the level of joy that has come from that thankfulness is more on par with having won the lottery and seen a real live unicorn in one day. My conversation with my friend made me realize that the more I’ve been tapping into my heart, the more I’ve been able to see the many blessings around me (big AND small) to the point of overflowing with thankfulness leading to extreme joy. 

For example, I’ve never been a bird person. I didn’t even like birds. I thought they were gross. However, in the past year or so I have come to appreciate them flitting around our backyard and bathing in our bird bath to the point that I am so thankful when those sweet little birds appear in our yard now that I could almost cry (and have a few times). I’m filled with a joy that is unexplainable and that only a year or two ago I wouldn’t have experienced at all because I hadn’t tapped into the full potential of my heart and thankfulness. Now I see a bird and I’m filled with a similar feeling as though I just received an award or got a hug from a long lost friend. And it fills my thankfulness and joy to overflowing. 

Even sunsets lately have been overwhelming to me at times. I’ve always loved sunsets. They’re beautiful. Most people would agree. But lately, when I see a sunset I am literally moved almost to tears. It feels like it’s a personal gift to my heart and I am filled with an overwhelming sense of thankfulness and joy as though I were the only person on the planet experiencing it. I’ve been watching sunsets my whole life and have never felt these feelings until this past year or so. It’s crazy. But I love it. 

I’ve had a hard time explaining this lately because I knew I was experiencing many highs and feelings of blessings, but also am very familiar to what it feels like not to experience that at all. I’m very familiar with seasons of disappointment, depression, and loneliness to name a few. Those are very real and difficult circumstances. However, I feel like this new found tapping into my heart is awakening me to the realization that joy doesn’t have to be completely circumstantial. It can be, but it shouldn’t always stem from there. I experience joy when I feel thankful for something. And I feel thankful for something when I allow my heart to focus on any and every thing that is good, true, beautiful, and right in my life and the world. I need to not gloss over things so quickly and take the time to allow my heart to be thankful. I need to remember to look and dwell on the positive things in life, and focus my energy on being thankful for them so that joy has the opportunity to overflow. God’s blessings are all around us just waiting to be noticed, be thankful for, and then fill us up with joy overflowing.  

"Every good and perfect gift is from above." James 1:17

"For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the 
giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God." 

2 Corinthians 4:15

"In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 
1 Thessalonians 5:18

(This was originally written in January)

The backstory of Mango the Manatee

Writing a book has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. I've started many over the years on various topics but could never completely get into them before starting a new topic or getting distracted by something else going on in our lives. I honestly wasn't sure it would ever happen but feel so blessed to have it finally completed! I couldn't thank God more for this incredible experience along the way and how everything came together so perfectly.

After swimming with manatees on my surprise trip from Derek earlier this year, I got home and didn't know what to do with all the excitement and passion I had from the experience. I remember saying to Derek that, "I feel silly that I have all these feelings pent up and feel like I need to do something with them but can't fathom how or what." After finally thinking to pray about it, God gave me the idea of a children's book. How incredibly perfect for someone who absolutely loves children, manatees and writing. It was comical how perfectly it fit.

The writing part seemed to come out so easily. Even though I did a million and a half drafts and edits, it came to fruition like it was a part of me. The topic of doing the right thing in a difficult situation and repaying meanness with kindness has always been an extremely important subject to me. I know how hard kids have it these days and with bullying being such a prominent subject, I think it's important for kids to see that it's good to treat others how they would want to be treated regardless of anyone else's actions. And hopefully in leading by example we can all experience the same result Mango does from others!

I was so blessed to be connected with my illustrator, Leah Lopez, and she was amazing to work with. She drew out everything I wanted like she could see the pictures in my mind. This is exactly what I pictured my cartooned Mango to look like and I couldn't be happier with how the pictures all turned out.

I am blown away by the outpouring of support I have received from so many people since announcing the publication and posting it online. The amount of shares, likes, beautiful comments, and books ordered since going public has been truly incredible and I am so very thankful for each and every one of you for your support. I hope and pray that this book will bless you and your children, and maybe even get to others that I don't even know. This has been an incredible experience and continues to be so as each day passes. Next dream is possibly having a Mango sequel but we will see...! :)

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

Click here to purchase Mango the Manatee on Amazon!

https://www.facebook.com/mangothemanatee/

Seattle

We made it to Seattle and have almost everything unpacked! It feels surreal. I keep referring to our place as, "our hotel" and, "our room," which still cracks me up every time I do it! It's quite the size difference from a 3 bedroom house with a big backyard and garage! We are living in an open 1 bedroom (meaning there is no ceiling on the bedroom) and 1 bathroom that is 677 sqft. :) It's small! But it's actually very quaint and we really are enjoying it. We have our one small green couch, our coffee table, our dining table (with only 2 chairs) & the TV...and that's everything that fits in our living space! It's nice and cozy. The downsizing and purging of so much STUFF was actually very refreshing and we pretty much have just the essentials now.

Our apartment (not hotel) is really quite spectacular. There is a rooftop hang out that you can see the ocean, ferris wheel, & space needle from on one side. The other side you have a view directly into the football stadium. There are multiple different chairs and couches as well as BBQs spaced out all over. They also have a workout room, theater room, yoga room, and a few other kitchen and living space areas and rooms that are open for use or available to reserve. One of Derek's favorites is the game room. There are about 4 arcade games (including his favorite Buck Hunt) that you can play for free and also shuffleboard and a huge TV. The first night we got back here they had a resident BBQ on the roof with amazing food, wine, & beer that was free! So far it seems to be a pretty fun place!

We've walked around the area lots and have found many fun places to go. The restaurants are pretty amazing...and there are SO MANY within a mile walk of us. Most only a block or two away. Bear is still getting used to there being so many people everywhere and doesn't exactly love the elevator but he's slowly adapting (hopefully)!

Overall it's been pretty lovely. It was nice to come up here last week and unpack, have a few day "vacation" back in Portland and come back up here to a mostly unpacked hotel...I mean apartment. ;) It's a little strange that this is our real life and I do feel like we're on vacation since Derek hasn't started working yet but I'm sure it'll feel real once that happens! As for now we're enjoying our time together scouting out our new city and celebrating this time off that Derek hasn't had in years. We're really just so very thankful for all of this and we're excited to see what God has in store for us here!

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, 

plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

Here are a few pictures of our new place!

 Bear checking out the view from our apartment window

 Rooftop Middle

 Cute Mediterranean place we found only a few blocks away

 Sunset on the roof

 Our apartment!

Other view of the apartment! :)

 View from the rooftop to the north west

 View from the rooftop to the north west

View from the rooftop to the south

 Before unpacking was completed!

Before unpacking was completed!

Adorable welcome gift when we arrived at our apartment

Moving

Yesterday was an emotional day as we locked up our Lanewood house for the last time and drove our way up to Seattle. Even though it was a crazy rollercoaster selling this house, it's bittersweet that we closed escrow yesterday and are no longer home owners of our sweet Lanewood home. That home provided us with so many amazing memories and has been the growth place of so many beautiful friendships. So many birthday parties, Ugly Sweater Christmas parties, dog parties, BBQ's, Beer Release parties, bible studies, and countless other amazing times had there. It's the last home Gracie lived in, it's where we came to terms with infertility, it's where Derek finally finished medical training after 10 years. It will be sorely missed but we are thankful to God for the sale finally going through and completing that part of our life's puzzle. :)

Derek and I recently realized that we have not lived in one place as long as we have in Portland since we were both in elementary school. That’s a crazy thought. The past 6 plus years here in Portland have been AMAZING to say the least. The friends that have become family here have been a life support to us through this crazy medical training, as well as the ups and downs of our life's events over the past 6 plus years. There are too many to list. To say we will miss living here and the people around us does not even begin to describe how we feel. It’s so extreme that my heart has honestly not fully grasped the concept yet. It’s painful to think about. However, we know that God has a plan in moving us and we trust that plan as we always have and look forward to what He has in store for us…even though we can’t see the outcome yet. He is a great God and has blessed us more than we ever could have imagined. 

We hope and pray that the friendships we’ve made in Portland will continue to flourish and grow and be encouraged. We will continue to pray for our Portland family and hope to have many visitors in the near future! Our door is always open…even if it is a little further away now. :) Thank you Portland for being an amazing home and thank you everyone for making our time there INCREDIBLE. We are so thankful.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Waiting

I'm sure I've named past posts with this same name but it seems to be a lesson that I don't learn very well and something that is obviously important for God to teach me. I know He has a plan in it, and I trust that, I just don't like having to wait to see what it is. :) I don't know why I don't do waiting very well. I've certainly had boat loads of experience in this department! If only I could handle it better, maybe I wouldn't have to endure it as much! But waiting seems to slowly shrivel up my stomach and make me feel as though the world were coming to a slow painful end. Not the heaven beautiful end kind. A torturous, don't know if I can endure it kind of experience. Now I realize this sounds ridiculously dramatic and maybe that's why I'm in this waiting predicament again. I don't like waiting.

I don't like waiting in line at the grocery store or the gas station. I hate waiting at red lights or for slow moving cars. I don't even like waiting for dinner to finish cooking! I haven't enjoyed waiting to find out where we'll be moving or what the future holds, and currently I am not loving waiting to know what is going to happen with the selling of our home.

It's craziness. I didn't even want to sell this home. I LOVE this home and the city and all the many many beautiful memories that have been made here. It's the first time in my adult life I have felt at HOME. It's the first house Derek and I have owned and it's the first place we've felt like we've put down roots and really become a part of a community. The countless birthday parties, bible studies, beer releases and BBQs that have taken place here are only some of the amazing times we've experienced. The many babies who have graced our floors and have given me such fulfillment in playing mom have memories in every room. All the dogs who have raced around our backyard and grown up here, including our one and only Gracie living out her last days in this house. This house holds so much love and beauty. It is one of the biggest miracles we've seen God do in our lives with bringing the price of $289K down to a crazy affordable $170K for us and so much more! Our realtor told us in 40 years of real estate he'd never seen anything like it. This house was made to be our home.

Yet, we're being moved to Seattle. And it seemed as though we were to put the house on the market. No, let me change that. We were supposed to put this house on the market, I know that. We prayed for months about it and God changed my heart. I was sad to let it go but I knew it was something I was supposed to do. To let go. So we did. And everyone told us how it would sell immediately because of the market and yadda yadda because everyone else's houses WERE selling immediately! I felt weird anytime someone would say that to us though, almost as though they were going to jinx it, which I know is a ridiculous thought. But then our house DID sell immediately! We were floored! It was weird though because I felt really sad and even cried over it. I felt like someone was taking my house and it was so bizarre. My feelings were mixed with the relief of the waiting being over but at the same time it felt weird and I just figured I was being crazy me.

Then a week later the sellers backed out due to apparently realizing that the house was close to Cedar Hills Blvd. (You did walk through the house and actually see the street and house before making an offer, right!?!? - And yes they did, by the way) To say I was annoyed and bitter is an understatement. Which, yes, I realize is comically ironic considering I was basically mad they were "stealing" my house in the first place! However, since then our house has sat on the market (for 3 weeks). We've had open houses and showings and most people say the same thing that it's too close to Cedar Hills Blvd. This slightly infuriates me because if I'm not mistaken, our house IS listed on the map. So it's not like the location of our house is a big secret until you arrive here. All the while making us keep everything tidy and then get out of the house with sometimes only 15 minutes notice (stressful), while people tromp through our house (and leave pee on our toilet seat or leave our back sliding door open - yes just a few examples of many that have stressed me out)...only to say the location is the problem. It's baffling. And exhausting.

I'm trying to be patient, I really am. But from past experiences I know I am not great at the game of patience. I'm terrible actually. And this is no different. Now the choices begin....do we lower the price? Do we wait it out? Do we just keep the house? Do we try to find a responsible friend to rent it? The hard part is we don't know! We don't know what we are supposed to do and so we wait. My least favorite thing to do ever. Wait. But that's what we're doing, and I'm trying not to go crazy in the process. Which is silly considering we don't even have a date we're moving to Seattle and therefore don't even have a time frame to technically want the house sold by. So why do I feel so impatient!?! I think my natural response to waiting is automatic resistance. I don't know why. But apparently it's something that, yet again, I'm supposed to be practicing. And I am, practicing it real good! ;)

"If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4:15

A New Mother's Day

Over the past many years, Mother's Day has previously been an incredibly difficult and complicated day for me for the simple reason that I was not a mother myself...yet I was blessed with a wonderful mother and mother to my husband, wonderful grandmothers, as well as many amazing friends who were mothers. It's not that I didn't appreciate the day itself or those it honored, it's that in the past this day brought up the stark reality of my then painful situation and lonely sadness.

One of the hardest and most memorable was 3 years ago. It was one of the worst years emotionally for me where I rarely went more than a few days without crying in between. I came home emotionally exhausted from working at the winery on Mother's Day (having a million people ask me if I was a mother yet or planned to have children) to find that Derek had arranged a surprise "Mother's Day Sucks" party for me! It was one of the sweetest things he's ever done. He decorated the entire back yard with balloons, flowers, streamers, and chocolate covered strawberries. My favorite was that on each mylar ballon that said "Happy Mother's Day!" he wrote in black sharpie underneath "sucks." In that moment I connected with my husband in a way that I couldn't have if I hadn't experienced the terrible hurt of infertility. To see that he understood my pain and acknowledged it while also putting such a thoughtful and humorous spin on it was a turning point for me in healing and in not feeling completely alone in my situation. As crazy or weird as it may sound, it was exactly what I needed and somehow made me feel better in the midst of a terribly painful and lonely time.

This Mother's Day, however, marks the first one that I have not dreaded in as long as I can remember. To say I have been healed and changed is an understatement and I am so incredibly thankful. I have so many reasons to be thankful for and especially for all the children I do have in my life. My sweet goddaughters whose mom, Tif, so sweetly sent me Mother's Day flowers that are filling my whole house with such a beautiful fragrance right now. It's a reminder of the love that I get to share with so many amazing children and that I do get to experience moments of motherhood through my friends and family and all their children. It's such a blessing to me now that I get to have a different perspective and love on them in ways that I wouldn't be able to if I were taking care of my own. It's a beautiful thing and only made possible by God. I'm so thankful. I'm thankful that this is who God made me to be and I wouldn't be without having gone through infertility or experiencing all those painful Mother's Days.

However, I know that this day still causes much pain for many people. Whether it is waiting to have a child of their own, mourning the loss of a child or children, or missing their mother - Mother's Day can be an extremely difficult and heart wrenching day. Having a very close friend who just lost her baby and will mourn this day, I feel an empathetic sadness about this day for her. I feel for her, I hurt for her, I dread this day for her...and I pray that it will pass quickly for her and that she will not have to endure another Mother's Day like this. As easy as it is to remember all the mother's in our lives, I want to make a conscious effort to remember all those who find this day difficult instead of filled with joy. There have been so many people in my life that reached out to me on Mother's Day and the days leading up to it to check in on me and I can't express how thankful I was for that. How just being acknowledged meant the world to me and that I wasn't forgotten just because I didn't have a baby bouncing on my lap. Let's make it a point to reach out to those who may be finding this day difficult. It may be uncomfortable and you don't know what to say and that's ok. Just tell them you love them. You're praying for them. You're thinking about them. Just let them know they are not forgotten on this day.

This Mother's Day I am truly thankful. I'm thankful that I have a wonderful mother. I'm thankful for my mother in law and the amazing man she created. I'm thankful that I have many friends and family members that are mothers. I'm thankful for all the amazing children in my life because of those mothers. I'm thankful for the future children who will be in my life because of those mothers and other mothers I may have yet to even meet. All I know is that God didn't leave me out of Mother's Day, He just had a different role for me in it. It's a beautiful day and I'm so thankful to be included in the lives of those who are. And to those who aren't able to find this day beautiful yet...just wait, you will. It may not be how you envisioned, but someday the pain will subside and you too will feel joy again.

"God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain..." -Revelation 21:4

Fear Of The Future...Here We Go Again

I feel like for over the past 10 years my life has been a series of changing living locations and preparing for the next move in Derek's career path. Having been settled in Portland now for just about 5 years and even living in our current home for just under 5 years, it's a thought that thankfully hasn't been on my mind in a long time. Moving or changing or relocating just hasn't even been on the horizon. We barely know what Derek's schedule will look like 4 weeks from now let alone in over a year from when he finishes his fellowship. I haven't really thought of changing places....and I have thouroughly enjoyed the emotional and mental break from it.

However, it's come up in conversation recently and now I can't get it out of my brain. The stress, the wonder, the trying to play reverse psychology on God (as Andrew put it the other night at bible study! Haha!), the fear...ugh how I don't miss these feelings. But I am also SO thankful for the past 5 years of mental break from it having been rooted here. Having a break from all the up in the air changes and moves and not knowing what was next or where Derek would get accepted for medical school, then residency, then fellowship....ahhhh it has been a lovely break. And now, it's back. In one year and one month Derek will finish fellowship and will start a "real" job somewhere. Where? We don't know. Do we have hopes? Expectations? Wishes? Of course!! But, all we can do right now is wait for time to pass and trust. There isn't even anything to do or look for yet. It's WAY too early to even really think about this yet! My brain, however, didn't get that memo apparently.

I will confess that I have a fear of change. I love stability and I also confess I sometimes envy those who have it. Who have nothing on the horizon of shifting change of possible locations or knowing that everything about the plan they are on will definitely change in one year and one month from right now. I forgot what this feeling was like of not knowing what the future will hold for not just small things but huge things such as what city or state we will be living in. The possibility of not knowing a single person for thousands of miles surrounding you. Of starting ALL over. It's exhausting really. Granted I also know that nothing could change. We could stay right here and all this thinking could be for nothing...but my brain again, didn't get that memo. :)

Sorry for the venting....and I don't even know if anyone is reading this, but someday in the future I want to look back on this and read and remember what I felt, because I know I don't always share it in the moment. But I am right now. This is the moment. And I don't want to forget this...all of this. Because it's really been a beautiful ride and I want to remember not only the great, but also the trying parts of it too.

I truly do trust that God has a plan and this morning in my Jesus Calling devo (by Sarah Young) the message was absolutely spot on for me:

"If you learn to trust Me - really trust Me - with your whole being, then nothing can separate you from My Peace. Everything you endure can be put to good use by allowing it to train you in trusting Me. . . Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way. Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done. Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day. Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter."

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4

I know it and I believe it....sometimes it's just getting your heart to feel it and follow along. :) And if anyone is reading this I, of course, always appreciate the prayers for not only our future but also for my heart! :)

Words

An amazing thing about having gone through infertility is that it gives you an empathy for other people's struggles like no other. Before having gone through it, I always felt for people. I really did. I've always been an over empathetic, feel-y, and super emotional person. But having experienced what felt like a loss every month for YEARS upon YEARS really changed my empathy relation into a full blown experience with others. Especially when that experience is along side a very close friend. It's interesting to me how things can affect me in ways like it's my own personal experience...even though it's not anymore. It has made me so much more aware of the effect people's words can have on others and how often people don't realize the severity of their words. I know most people aren't out to purposely hurt others, it's just that they can't relate because they haven't experienced a similar hurt. And I'm glad that many people have that innocence that they can't relate, because otherwise life would be very very sad. It's just that sometimes we need to look at situations and know that we are not in control, we don't know what the outcome will be like, and that's ok. We don't have to fill the silence with meaningless words that we don't mean or don't truly know. We can simply say we are sorry and don't know what in the world to say...because really there aren't any words.

I recently read in a bible study the story about Jesus telling His disciples what was going to happen to Him and Peter not knowing what to say did the same thing as we do all the time...

'From that time Jesus began to show His disciples that He must go to Jerusalem, and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised up on the third day. Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, "God forbid it, Lord! This shall never happen to You." But He turned and said to Peter, "Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God's interests, but man's."' -Matthew 16:21-23

Even Peter, who walked alongside Jesus, couldn't handle life going differently than what the normal constituted or from what was "expected," and tried to say he knew differently how things would go. But sometimes things are going to go differently than what is expected or even desired. That still doesn't mean that God isn't in control.

I can't count the amount of people and times that I have been told over the past 9 plus years that I would get pregnant and/or have a child. Sometimes people even told me specific time frames (all of which have long ago passed). I don't blame them or hold any grudges. I understand. Just like Peter, we all sometimes can't handle a situation going differently than what we desire for ourselves or even for someone else. Walking through the loss of a child with my dear friend, I have unfortunately witnessed many similar situations of people not knowing what to say and filling the void with telling her the "positive future" in many different forms. Again, nothing against them. I know I used to do the exact same thing before my experience with infertility.

Hopefully we can move forward and try to remember that God is in control and is the only one that truly knows the future. Only He can tell us the plan. We just need to support one another, be there for each other, and love on one another....through all the bad but also all the good. Because God does say that there WILL be good...we just don't know what it will look like exactly.

'Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that."' -James 4:14-15

Rest

Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For You have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 116:7-9

I read this verse the other day when I was feeling a little down about nothing in particular and it made me think so many different thoughts. It made me think how in times of amazing highs and seeing God work it's so easy to feel at rest and blessed. It's so crazy to me then how easily negative feelings and thoughts can creep back in days or even hours later if we allow them. Thoughts of doubt, insecurity, unsettledness, discontentment, sadness, lack of energy or joy, and a million other negativities. How is it that we can be so easily dragged back into feeling like we are lacking something in our lives. Sometimes the smallest thing can set me off to feeling like the world is out to get me. Bad drivers, slow grocery lines when I'm in a hurry, a broken dryer, burning dinner, having to wait for (fill in the blank)..... There are so many little small things in life that if we allow them to can puff themselves into much larger looking versions of themselves, when really they are but a drop in the pond of this life. Nothing to get worked up over. If we allow them though, they can snowball in our lives until we feel full blown overwhelmed, upset, distraught, or irritated and we can't even remember what is the actual root of the problem.

I love how this verse speaks to oneself, "return to your rest, O my soul." It sounds like such a sweet reminder and makes me think of God gently patting me on the head reminding me not to get so worked up over this life. This verse is such a great reminder to focus on how bountifully we truly have been blessed by God in so many areas of our lives. He truly has rescued me from so many tears, stumbling, and times that did feel as though I could die in my sorrow. There were many times it didn't feel like I was walking in the land of the living because I was barely aware of anything or anyone around me because I was too self focused on my own problems or heart aches. Thankfully I am not in that place anymore and that is a true miracle preformed by God. I need to remember to not be so dramatic in my thoughts and feelings and remember that He really has brought me through so many things and will continue to do so. We just need to return to our rest in trusting Him and live our lives while walking around this world and being aware of others and how God wants us to treat them. Not how we think we need to be treated.

Real Purpose

One of the biggest struggles I’ve had throughout my life has been figuring out what my purpose is. I used to think purpose loosely translated meant career and struggled for years dabbling in all sorts of different jobs and training classes trying to figure out what career purpose I was meant to have.

I used to think my purpose was to be a teacher. Then I started taking teaching classes my senior year of college while working in a classroom, and realized that this was NOT my purpose nor would it be my career either. I tried making crafts, I went back to school to be a preschool teacher, I managed a beauty supply, I looked into photography, writing children’s literature, worked in a dental office, worked at Starbucks, was a care taker, was a nanny, and finally decided that my purpose wasn’t a career but that it was to be a stay at home mom.

I struggled in the waiting to start trying for children so I could finally pursue my purpose. Then I struggled in the waiting of trying to get pregnant, adopt, etc. so I could begin living my purpose. During this time I really tried hard to find my purpose in Christ knowing in my head that was the correct answer. I did feel that was true at moments in time, albeit brief, they were relieving. However, in the back of my head I always thought my true purpose and fulfillment would be to become a mother.

It’s so fitting and crazy to me to realize that only after finally really letting go of the idea of me being a mother, and embracing my identity in not being a mother, that I have finally found purpose in my life. Only in listening to God that that’s not His will for me right now, and admitting it to myself and others am I finally free to know and truly believe my purpose is in Christ and in any small or big thing He calls me to do. Everything big or small has meaning and purpose in my life because it’s ALL God’s will. My purpose is to listen and do it. Finally I truly feel and know my purpose and it’s the most amazing and fulfilling feeling in the world. It’s like I wasn’t truly and completely living until now.

It’s also so interesting to me that the one thing I thought I wanted the most in this life was the one thing that kept me from hearing God clearly because my own desires interfered with it. I wanted to believe for the longest time that it was just my own thoughts, and not God’s, telling me we weren’t going to have kids. I tried to cover up and ignore the tugging on my heart that I knew was His prodding and play it off as my own. That confused my ability to hear God in other things because I held on so tightly to trying to believe my own voice was God’s.

Now letting go of that allows me to hear Him more clearly in other areas as well. Some small and some large, but all are so much more important now that I truly realize that EVERY action, EVERY conversation, EVERY friendship, EVERY relationship, and EVERY moment is a gift from God and that there is so much more to them than randomness. God works special moments, miracles, and so much more through all of those when I allow myself to be more conscious of the fact that it ALL means something more than just going through the motions. God has a plan for EVERY moment, and there is PURPOSE in every moment. I don’t want to let one miracle, blessing, or plan from God slip by because I’m not paying attention and acknowledging how much more is constantly going on than meets the eye.

I’ll be honest that sometimes I still grieve the loss of my plan and desire for children, but I’m also so thankful that I have been able to realize what my true purpose is through this loss. It’s ironically the most fulfilling feeling ever. My purpose is not one thing, but to constantly be aware of God and every minute that He blesses me with, as well as all the things He wants me to invest in and have purpose through. 

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,

That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Psalm 30:11-12

New Identity

We attended Derek’s neurology graduation banquet last night and it was a surreal moment remembering the last time we came to this was 3 years ago. I remember it so vividly because I passed on the wine served that night because I was hoping I was pregnant and one of the very pregnant residents there asked if I was. I remember chatting her up about her pregnancy and gushing about the fact that I was hoping I was too. The excitement of talking about it and imagining our kids together was so fresh. Even though we had already been trying for years it still felt so imminent and certain.

If you would have told me 3 years ago at this banquet that maybe having children wasn’t in God’s plan for us, I would have laughed at you. And then probably cried a little…or more accurately, a lot. And if you would have then told me that though there would be MANY ups and downs (many many downs), that I would eventually feel an unsurpassed peace and confidence in that plan, and even feel contently joyful in my life without children I would 100% not have believed you, not even a little bit. However, that statement is now true in my life and I do accept it with more peace and actual joy than I ever dreamed possible.  And that is a true miracle.

I know that you are probably thinking….don’t give up!...there’s always a way!...or some other form of this. Well, yes I know that and I do truly thank you for the support and encouragement. We have thought that for years as well, but we are now coming to terms with the knowledge that not having children may be in fact exactly what God HAS planned for us rather than the opposite. It has taken us years to get to this place of peace in actually accepting that this might be our identity rather than the identity of being parents. This identity issue has been one of the most difficult, revolutionizing, and most freeing realizations for me. Thankfully I can honestly say that lately I have truly come to terms with my identity as a woman without children of my own. Now, whether God changes that in the future or not is up to Him, but for today we are not parents and are relishing in the peace He has given us regarding our identity as not-parents and the awesome things He has blessed us with as well as the other responsibilities in life He has given us.

I understand that this is a difficult thing for you to be reading and to come to peace about because I know how much you also want the desire of our hearts for children for us as well. And as odd as this may sound, I’m praying for you to have peace with us. We have gone through this journey on a daily basis and I know we’ve had more time to process and come to peace about it and I pray the same for you. I understand it’s difficult letting go of something you want so badly for someone else, but in this case it’s not actually letting go of our dreams, but realizing new and different dreams God is giving us. He is opening us up to desires of our hearts we never even knew existed. We have only begun to realize these by accepting our situation and identity in the present as not being parents, and we would have never gotten to where we are in life without going through this difficult journey and all the experiences God has allowed us to have through this.

The most amazing part about the graduation banquet last night was hanging out and chatting with some very pregnant residents and some very pregnant resident’s wives about their pregnancies and children, and being completely interested and not upset by it at all. I felt the similar excitement, interest, and joy I felt 3 years ago with the pregnant resident then, but with what feels like a lifetime of growth in between. I have grieved through years of waiting and wanting. I have mourned the loss of the identity I thought was mine as though it were death. I have learned to live, love, and trust in the God I know and the amazing life and identity He has blessed me with. I am so thankful for that and ultimately for my identity in Him.

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; 

the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 

2 Corinthians 5:17

Silent Auction Fundraiser

This year I am helping plan, set up, and run the Bethany Christian Services annual Silent Auction and Banquet Fundraiser. I've helped the past 2 years but mostly in procuring donations for them and attending a meeting here or there. Last year was the first year I was able to attend the auction and it was SO much fun! It made me even more excited for this year...which is a good thing it did...because it has become largely planned by only a few of us volunteers. The whole process has been fun, overwhelming, exciting, and heartwarming. I am truly so excited for this event and to help out an organization that is so near and dear to my heart.

For those of you that don't know, Derek and I have been trying to have children for many years without success. We've gone through some fertility testing with basically no reasons for us not being able to get pregnant. A little over 2 years ago we decided to pursue adoption through Bethany Christian Services and prayed God would close the door if this wasn't His plan for us. I wanted so badly to become a mother but wanted it to be in God's timing and plan and we weren't sure what that was so we decided to move forward with adoption and pray God would make His plan clear for us. Well the day before we turned in our non-refundable deposit and paperwork to adopt, Ethiopia (where we were looking to adopt from) closed their adoptions. A month later they did open them back up but it was clear to us that this was not in the plans for us at that point in time. God gave us a clear answer. Since then we have prayed for what direction to take and He has made it abundantly clear that what we are supposed to do is to wait. Waiting is probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, especially when you don't even know what you're waiting for. But I do know that God is good and has given me a peace that I am right where I am supposed to be today doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing and that is an amazing feeling.

One of the many things God has brought into my life to fill my time and purpose is helping out with this fundraising event and I am so thankful for that. I have really enjoyed pouring my time and energy into it and have loved watching God work in it.

I would love for you to be a part of this event with me whether it is through attending the event, donating items, donating finances, or most importantly praying alongside with me that this event goes smoothly and is a great success! To purchase tickets for the event, donate, or simply read more about it please visit our event site at: http://bethanyoregonfundraiser.blogspot.com/

Thank you for your support!! I greatly appreciate it!!

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18 

"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." James 1:27

Here are a few links to past blogs about our journey through infertility, adoption, and waiting:
http://lindslog.blogspot.com/2011/03/being-bossy.html
http://lindslog.blogspot.com/2011/03/patience.html
http://lindslog.blogspot.com/2011/10/purpose.html
http://lindslog.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-holiday-season-always-makes-coping.html

Holiday Season

The holiday season always makes coping with not having a child much harder. I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe it's all the family talk or baby Jesus, or all the adorable pictures of kids dressed up on Facebook (which I LOVE...but would also just love to be able to contribute to...more than pictures of my dogs with their reindeer antlers on!). Whatever the reason is, it is a constant stark reminder that we are missing out on something that what feels like the majority of the world has...and what my heart tells me I am missing.

This season has been slightly different, however. It started off the same....me crying two days after Thanksgiving and not really understanding why. Derek comforting me and explaining this happens every year and that it's ok to grieve that missing part of our lives. That weekend I had a very hard time getting my emotions under control and at church on that Thanksgiving Sunday they offered a time of prayer where you could come up to the front and there were people sitting in chairs that would pray for you while they played a song. My first thought was NO WAY! I am not going up there. How awkward and embarrassing and weird!! But then I felt God prodding my heart as He does and telling me to go up there. I fought Him throughout the entire song to the point that I was crying and shaking and feeling like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. So I made a deal with Him. (Yes, very mature of me I know) I said if they played one more song I would go up there (since they had already dragged out the first one so it seemed obvious they were done). Well the guy came up to the microphone and said, "We've decided for anyone out there who has put off coming up here for prayer we are going to play one more song, so come up here." Jaw drop. I turned to Derek bawling and said, "I think I'm supposed to go up there." He ushered me out to the aisle and I made my way up to the front and saw a woman I know from bible study and sat in front of her. I was crying so hard that I could barely make out any words and somehow managed to squeak out, "I think I'm having a hard time with the infertility thing!"

Now I would love to tell you I was healed on the spot and we got pregnant and lived happily ever after - but that's not the story exactly. It was, however, once of the most amazing experiences ever. Heather sat there hugging me, crying with me, and prayed over me. And it was incredible. Pretty much instantly I felt relieved of my hysterics, my heart calmed down, and eventually I got under control. Throughout the rest of that day and week I felt peace and a calmness I had not felt in a while as the holidays had been approaching. And it has continued thus far. I think the major difference can be summed up that it is the first time I really reached out and admitted I was having a hard time and couldn't deal with my emotions at that moment myself. God knew what I needed and He helped me to reach out to get it. I needed to open myself up, admit I can't handle things on my own, I need God to fill me, and thankfully He gave me the perfect opportunity. I may not have been physically healed on the spot but I was emotionally healed. It's not to say that I wont need that again in the future (because I'm sure I will), but for now I am just so thankful that God has given me this peace in this season because it is truly so unbelievable.

He has been filling me with a constant peace and reassurance that this is indeed His plan and He is in control. Allowing Him to invade my inmost thoughts and truly bless me with peace is incredible - there are really no words to explain it. I am in awe and shock at the peace and comfort He is lavishing on me in the midst of my deepest trial and pain. It's overwhelming and I am so thankful. He is good and He knows best and I trust that. Even in the pain, He is right beside me with comforting arms enveloping me and somehow I am at peace even in the pain.

My life is not my own, it's God's. And if He allows it then I don't want one ounce of pain or trial to go unused or be wasted as simply pain or a trial. If it can encourage even one person or give hope to one person who is struggling to understand "why" or trust in God, then it is worthwhile pain in my life. Regardless of even whether God wants to use my pain to comfort someone else, or to simply grow me better into the woman He created me and desires me to be and can use me to better other peoples lives, I am good with it. I am so thankful He has blessed me with the faith to believe and trust in Him, because I can't do that on my own.

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit." Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that."

James 4:13-15

Need You Now

I was driving to work at the winery yesterday and listening to the radio when Plumb's song, "I need you now" came on (which I love!) and it really made me think. The drive out to the winery is so beautiful and peaceful that I feel like songs can tug on my heart and allow God to speak to me in different ways than when I'm rushing around to get groceries or gas. It's just so beautiful and allows the words of songs to settle in my soul more completely.

Anyways...I heard this song and it really made me think about how much God uses our circumstances, whatever they may be, to grow us individually into the people He created us to be and also closer to Him. I think of how many times I've prayed for him to take away my infertility or other circumstances but looking back I can see so many areas of growth in myself that honestly I agree with Him for not taking them away thus far. When we don't allow Him to work good in our circumstances they just plain stink and there is absolutely no good in it. But when we accept His will and our circumstances, it allows Him to work good in us even out of the worst. Only then can we experience His true peace and joy that He has for us. This has been my experience over the past six months and I am striving to have it continue to be on a daily basis. It's not easy. It's very hard and painful at times....often times. But with acceptance comes great relief and fulfillment that can only be known through God. He has been blessing me and showing me ways I can serve and give of myself to others even in small ways and it has been amazingly fulfilling. Things I have never thought of before or cared to. I feel as though I maybe never took the time to listen to His still small voice prodding me in ways to reach out to others.

One simple small recent example was on my way home from the winery I stopped for gas (here in Oregon you can't pump your own gas) and normally I just sit in my car staring out the window. But last night I felt like I should talk to the guy pumping my gas (which I never do). He was super cranky and in a bad mood so I didn't say anything more and sat my head back against my head rest to wait. Then suddenly he walked up to my window and apologized and proceeded to tell me a long sad story about why he was in a bad mood. When the gas was filled and he ended his story I felt like I should give him a $5 tip (I never tip the gas guys normally). So I decided I'm going to listen to that still small voice and give it to him. I did and also told him I would be praying for him and his wife and their situation (a family members death). His face was pure shock. He teared up and looked like I'd just given him a million bucks. He was so incredibly thankful and told me he wanted to hug me (which I told him was not necessary....so he proceeded to tell me he was giving me a "mind hug" then!). It was incredible how thankful he was and that I got to be the bearer of such a small blessing but the receiver of such a huge thank you and able to change his day. It was overwhelming how appreciative he was. I was super teared up on my drive home and in such awe of the whole situation. I'm trying to listen more because when I do, God does amazing things.

Here's the song below...it's so powerful. (Please listen to it!)