Surrender

Reading the Christmas story and how Mary responded to hearing she was having an unplanned baby, it's quite amazing how immediately she was able to surrender her future plans, her fears of what others would think, if she could handle it, whether her fiancé would stay with her, or even if she wanted this major change in her life at all. Her response was simply pure, immediate surrender to God and then went on to give Him glory because she trusted in Him and His plans so completely. 

Even though I did none of the above responses, I am grateful to have moved past the shock and denial of my immediate response, and to have been able to surrender those early feelings. (If you haven't read my last blog post, it explains in more detail that I've even moved into loving this little monster now!! 💙) I'm so thankful that I do feel thankful for this unexpected surprise now, and can even call it a blessing. 

This subject of surrender has come up a lot recently and it has made me realize the importance of it in my life right now (as well as always), and especially with all these new current changes going on. I previously had learned to surrender my plans of wanting a child to God and He blessed that through giving us peace and joy in not having kids. In complete contrast, I have now pretty much surrendered the whole, "we're not having kids" plans of our lives and am currently trusting in His plan with this pregnancy. However, I am now realizing that I once again am having to learn to surrender again in a whole new way. 

I am having to surrender the now growing desire to actually have this child. When I wasn't excited about the pregnancy, it was easy not to worry about the future of it or even think of it as a real future plan (or honestly even care too much about it). But after much time passing, learning the "it" is in fact a "he," and now coming to terms with the growing love we're both experiencing for him ... there is the new desire to have and hold this child which comes with the temptation to worry it won't actually happen, or that I have any sort of control to hold onto this plan and be in charge of it. Why I would think I could possibly have control over it now, considering this subject of infertility/fertility has been such a clear area of us NOT being in control, is beyond me. Apparently I'm a slow learner. 

Surrender is such a hard thing to do. It doesn't happen easily (at least not to me) in any relationship or situation. I read in a devotional the other day a great definition of surrender: "To yield to the power of another." That's difficult. Especially when there are desires involved. It causes us to give up our (perceived) control and trust in another to take care of things in our lives. This does not come naturally for many people and especially not me. It's much easier to deny that the desires even exist than be vulnerable with how we really feel ... or stress and try to take over control rather than trust in another, even when that "other" is God who is way more qualified to be in control! 

Years ago I had to surrender my desires for a child and finally (after many years) was able to do that successfully. For years I wanted a baby so badly I literally thought I would die if I didn't have one. I mean, it was bad. There was a period of time there that Derek was worried I might actually abduct a child ... as in when he'd hear there was a code pink at the hospital (a stolen / missing baby lockdown) he'd wonder where I was! (Only slightly kidding) But I finally (after many years of prayer and trusting) handed those desires over to God and thankfully got to that place of being at peace without kids ... because I finally realized that God can be trusted with control over my future and desires, and that He has a plan for me that can be trusted in. 

As you know, I have once again had to surrender those opposite desires for not having children to God now that He has placed a miracle baby in my womb (oh the Lindsey of years ago would scream at me to even read that this was a surrender issue for me!). I feel that again I have pretty much completely surrendered to God in trust finally, and have fully given in to the excitement and love for this child (why do these lessons take so long for me to learn!?). I've also had to surrender the whole eating and body changing issues (which is a constant work in progress). Monday night I backslid a little on having this one under control and was crying when Derek got home because I felt full but hungry (and super uncomfortable...my belly already feels like there's not much room in there) and couldn't figure out what to eat, or even if I wanted to eat. Yeah...still working on that one but trying really hard!

Now I'm realizing that I once again am having to surrender a new desire. A big one. I actually desire this baby to come to be and since I have a deep desire for that, the temptation to fear the loss of the desire (aka baby) wants to creep in. If you don't want something, or don't care either way, you don't fear the loss of it. But if you do want something, then there is the possibility of loss. This is a common theme in life and one that I felt I learned over and over again monthly through infertility. Each month I felt a huge loss wanting so badly for there not to be a period at the end of it. 

I know that God brought this baby into being and he is His to take care of. And I want to fully surrender that to God. (Obviously we're not in control considering we couldn't make a baby happen for the life of us for 15 years!) I'm just a work in progress in the learning department ... as usual. It is a little weird and bittersweet to be at this point because honestly I was pretty afraid in the beginning that I'd never feel the hopes and desires towards this baby that I used to feel back in the day when we were trying for kids. I wasn't sure I'd ever even have the desires I'm feeling already, which I am now convinced will continue to grow even more. So, I am truly thankful for these desires, but almost equally as frustrated at the fact that now I need to once again grow in the area of surrendering. Surrender is hard because it's growth. Growing is difficult. (My belly can also vouch for that) I truly am thankful for the growth, but also just trying to be honest that there is hard work involved as well. And I want to do the work. I know it's worth it. Some days it just feels a little more overwhelming than others ... especially with all these rouge hormones bouncing around in here!

However, one fun positive thing about growth and being on board with everything now is that this baby does keep growing and we are getting more attached with each passing day ... AND we've even decided on a name for this hungry little monster! I think that has also really helped my love grow for him and I definitely feel more connected to him calling him by name now. I'm pleased to introduce to you, our son, Nathan William Clark. 😍 

(December 17th, 2019 - Sucking his thumb already!)

(December 25th, 2019 - Little Christmas wave!)

"LORD, I know that people's lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps." Jeremiah 10:23

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

"Ah Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for you."

Jeremiah 32:17

"But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength; 

Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning,

For You have been my stronghold and a refuge in the day of my distress.
Psalm 59:16

A Shift

A weird thing happened right about when I hit the second trimester this past week. Besides the nausea being mostly gone (although I still have some weird food aversions including coconut, coffee, and most meats...and red wine still sounds TERRIBLE haha) and getting a lot more energy back (yes I have finally vacuumed our house!), I also started getting super teary and emotional. Yes, I know I was super teary and emotional in the beginning, but that was a sort of hysterical upset crying and crazy out of my mind emotional. It was more about being confused, scared, overwhelmed and in denial, and then purely hormonal when from about weeks 8-11 I cried at 7:30pm almost every night for no good reason. This has been different. Very different. It doesn't feel bad like it used to ... it feels weird and maybe still a little bit overwhelming, but very different. 

I think it's because I'm actually and maybe finally starting to feel a little exited about this baby. ...pause for dramatic effect... When I think about him ... and he actually feels like a "him" now, like a real live person (probably in part because he's sticking out so far already that I have to wear maternity pants now), my eyes well up with tears. And I feel this almost longing to feel him in my arms. I even looked up nursing swivel chairs yesterday (yes I know some of you are thinking I said I wasn't going to get any of the things ... well things can change!) and I have about four chairs sitting in my Amazon cart right now. 

I was texting with my cousin yesterday and telling her it still doesn't feel completely real yet and she said, "It's not real until that first night when you are home from the hospital and it's the middle of the night, they have just fed and are asleep in your arms. It's amazing. You are going to love it." And I totally burst out in tears. I felt like some totally foreign emotion came over my body and it was not the same as I've been feeling before. It felt ... good ... and there was a longing there that I haven't felt before. It's been so much easier to focus on the list of things I hear from people about how I'm not going to get sleep and my life is no longer my own and on and on about the negatives. Not to mention I was awfully negative to begin with myself in this whole process. But just hearing that sweet sentence broke through something in my heart and made me realize ... I think I'm falling in love with this baby. (Just writing that sentence out I had to stop halfway to seriously bawl out loud hysterically. I did read that people get more weepy in the second trimester ... maybe that's adding to this??) But really, I think I'm turning a corner. And I'm thankful for that, but it also feels a little scary at the same time. Ok a lot scary. Scary because it's still hard to completely comprehend this is really happening, and scared to want it to actually happen. 

There have been so many baby steps leading up to this point and I am so thankful for all of them. I have appreciated every aspect of every person and all the support I've received that has made this all feel so much more possible and able to deal with. From those who have supported my standoff-ness of the circumstances and have given me space to feel unattached, to those who have slowly challenged my mind and heart with talks about the baby and thoughtful gifts, to those who have unabashedly shown their immense joy and disregarded my hesitations completely. They have all had a perfect place in my getting to this moment in time and I am so incredibly thankful. Even the simple (and the extended) comments and messages I have received both privately and publicly from people telling me they have enjoyed reading this blog and following along on our journey have made moments of this all feel worthwhile. It has made me feel connected to others, and so not alone in a time when I was very tempted to feel exactly that. Especially with the surrounding circumstances of how he came about (I actually had "it" typed out there and deleted and rewrote "he." Praise...I'm getting better!) 

It's also been such a huge growth for Derek and I in so many ways. From me not being able to do as much as I normally do around the house and him picking up the slack majorly, to me being much more emotional, to my changing body. The body change has prompted many conversations between us because of my insecurities and the conversations have been incredible and have bonded us in ways that we have never experienced before. Discussing all these details and raw feelings with all these changes have been challenging but beautiful, and have made me even more thankful for the work we have done in the past to make our relationship a safe and open place to be completely real and discuss things together. The desire to be truly known and loved is crucial (and a lot of worthwhile hard work) in every relationship of any capacity, and to be able to walk through so much change and continue to feel known and loved is a blessing from God I cannot express my thanks for enough. I could not do this without Him and I am so thankful for this journey He has set before us. 

"Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery 

of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things." 

Ecclesiastes 11:5

"Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." 

Proverbs 3:6

Gender Reveal

So we decided to find out the sex of our baby as soon as was possible in hopes of bonding more with "it" and helping our brains to grasp more of the reality of our situation. In case you don't know how that's done, it's through a blood test. And in case you don't know my history, I very often faint when getting my blood taken. Yes, super fun.

The last time I got my blood taken (before this current time) was three years ago and I went by myself. I decided (for no good reason) that I would be fine this time and be able to stay conscious. Needless to say, I woke up in a lounge chair across the room from where I had been previously sitting getting my blood taken and had no recollection of any of it. So no, I wasn't fine or conscious.

This time Derek came with me but chose to stay in the waiting room (for who knows why). When I walked back into the "blood room" it was small and there was only a tall chair (no bed). I asked her if I could be moved somewhere and lay down for this since I tend to pass out. She said they didn't have one. I then asked her if I should get my husband since there was a good possibility he'd have to hold me up for the end of the "taking." She agreed that would be a good idea and Derek came into the room. She was so sweet and chatted me up, as well as did an outstanding job putting the needle in. I didn't even feel it. I don't ever watch, I don't look, I don't even think about it. So why this happens I don't completely understand other than I've been told it's a normal reaction some people get where their blood pressure just tanks out. After a few minutes I could feel that it was coming. My hearing starts to get super faint and then my vision becomes tunnel vision and I tried to say, "I'm about to faint!" Derek says it never got out of my mouth and I just passed out cold. Very cold. He moved forward and basically held me upright in the chair while the sweet lady finished taking my blood (so he tells me). Then they waiting for me to wake up. And waited. And waited. And waited. After a few minutes they decided my body needed some help getting blood back to my head (since my face was apparently a shade of gray/green), so Derek picked me up and carried me next door to a patient room with a bed in it (why couldn't we have just gone there in the beginning!?) and laid me down (again so he tells me). I vaguely remember someone asking me if my pillow was ok but it sounded like they were underwater and I felt like my face was super hot and almost as though I was going to throw up, so I don't think I even responded. I laid there for a good ten minutes before I could make out where I was. And even then it came back slowly and was super hard to focus on anyone. Derek even lifted up my feet over my head to help the process (get more blood back to my brain) and still it took forever. The phlebotomist said in 17 years she'd never seen someone pass out so hard and for so long. Yay me. 

In other words, this was quite the process just to get this information! But since they needed to take my blood to check all my blood work anyways, we figured might as well get that info too. We honestly had no preference on what we were having. We were just looking forward to not calling this baby "it" anymore as well as hoping to feel a little more connected to the reality of this all. I was also really hoping to be able to feel more connected to "it" after this info too. As hard as this has been for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I'm really and actually pregnant, calling the baby "it" has certainly not helped. It has made me feel a bit like we're talking about something fake and has only added to my subconscious assumptions that maybe this is in fact not reality, or someone else's reality. 

Since pretty much the beginning, Derek has thought it was a boy. I, however, didn't really have any thoughts on the matter since I think it's kinda silly when people say they think they know what it is since it's really just a 50/50 chance! Flip a coin and you have the exact same odds. But, over the past week or so I've also come to feel this settledness that it's a boy and almost like I was prepared for that to be the answer. However, I was also trying to remain completely open to whatever the outcome would be since honestly just having a gender figured out feels like having another huge stepping stone in our processing becoming reality.

They told us it would probably take 7-10 business days to find out from when the blood was taken. Of course I was hoping for earlier and thankfully on day 6, only about 30 minutes before Derek left to go work nights...we got the email! I almost had a heart attack. Even though it was just reading an email together I will be honest it was quite a rush. First in the email it listed that all the baby's other blood work came back normal and healthy which was such a HUGE blessing to see, and then it also included the fact that the Chromosome Y was detected. For those of you like me who had to think for a second what that means...it means that "it" is in fact a boy. 

I will say that finding out the gender has actually really helped my processing and it feels incredibly more real to me already. I also feel incredibly more connected to HIM. Which is still a little weird to say. Him. Wow. It makes me feel a little teary just saying it! Granted so does every commercial, song, and being hungry as well, so that might not be saying too much, haha. Really though, it has caught me a little off guard how much finding out has affected me in a positive way and has really diminished the shock and denial. 

The fact that Derek and I will have a son feels a bit surreal, but also really good. We're both excited and that alone is exciting in itself. We would have been great either way, but just knowing one way or the other feels like miles ahead for us in processing. It feels like we can envision this as a reality just a touch more. Which is huge for us. We are also excited to see what God does in this boy's life and what plans He has for us all. This is still so crazy, but we are thankful for this BOY and along for the ride!

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb." Psalm 139:13