Turning 30

I got my flu shot a few days ago and when I was filling out the paperwork I had to write down my age. It was the first time I've written "30." It was an adjustment not to write "2" as the first number since I've obviously grown accustom to that in the last decade and it made me think about what other adjustments come along with it.

Since I've turned 30 I've had more people ask me questions such as: "how do I feel about it, am I doing okay with it, and am I excited to be 30?" than any other year that I can remember.

And the answer to those questions is that I am happy to be 30! Now I know I've had a few freak out moments about getting older in the past...such as my meltdown 9 months ago when I realized I wouldn't be a mom before I was 30....a few months ago while the Clarks were here visiting and I found my first gray hair.....but as of right now I am actually very content with my age and the fact that I've turned 30! It has been a very motivating birthday for me. It has really made me think about milestones in life and how I want to live every day to the fullest. I'm trying to make every effort not to waste a single second of God's plan for me in this life.

I've even been motivated to start doing a few things that are slightly different than in the past...and really sticking to them! Number one below probably being the biggest change:

1) I've been running on a consistent basis and have discovered for the first time in my life what a "runner's high" is! I really feel amazing after running and it has become something I actually look forward to. (So weird, I know!)
2) Actually reading the books of the book clubs I'm in! :)
3) Eating more healthy things and staying away from the "non-healthy" items! As well as working harder to cook more dinners for us at home rather than eating out.
4) Spending more time with God.
5) Focusing more time on all the things I am thankful for.

This morning in my daily devotional (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young) that Janelle Perdue got for me for this birthday, I read the perfect message to sum up aging in general:

Oct. 20
I AM YOUR LIVING GOD, far more abundantly alive than the most vivacious person you know. The human body is wonderfully crafted, but gravity and the inevitable effects of aging weigh it down. Even the most superb athlete cannot maintain his fitness over many decades. Lasting abundant life can be found in Me alone. Do not be anxious about the weakness of your body. Instead, view it as the prelude to My infusing energy into your being. As you identify more and more fully with Me, My Life becomes increasingly intertwined with yours. Though the process of aging continues, inwardly you grow stronger with the passing years. Those who live close to Me develop an inner aliveness that makes them seem youthful in spite of their years. Let My Life shine through you, as you walk in the Light with Me.

Relationships

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
~ Ecclesiastes 4:12

I love my husband more than anything else in this world. I truly feel he is the biggest blessing of my life and I am so thankful for him. However, I cannot imagine being in a marriage or in any relationship without the help of God. Relationships are hard enough even with having what I consider God to be at times in our relationship - a mediator. It is so refreshing and encouraging to know I always have someone else to go to in the midst of problems or strife to be able to help determine where fault lies and when I need to change my attitude.

It's so helpful that we can go to God in prayer rather than arguing in circles. (Even though that still sometimes happens!) We can stop miscommunication by taking time out to ask God to clarify our thoughts and conversations. It's amazing to me how often I do need to look to God for advice in my circumstances and especially when meshing my female thoughts and needs with my husbands male ones. It is true that opposites attract....but in the same breath that also makes certain things inevitably difficult.

Lately I have been wanting a lot of "talk" time with Derek while lately he has been very preoccupied with studying for his upcoming boards test. (Which is probably why I'm needing it more...classic wanting what I can't have!) He does his best to listen (or pretend to listen while sideways glancing at ESPN) and sometimes that's good enough. But realistically other times I want him to talk to me like he's a girl. To gab on and on about nothingness. And that is unrealistic for him. It's just not going to happen. He's a guy (and I'm very thankful he is!)....but also not a huge "talker guy." It's in times like these though, that I am so thankful I have a loving God who can gently remind me of these things. To point out to me my unrealistic expectations ("premeditated resentments!") and to show me maybe I need to get together with a girlfriend if I am feeling that starved for nonstop chatter, instead of trying to turn my husband into a woman.

God created Derek and I perfectly for each other.....which also means He knows how different we are and how often we need to come to Him for peace keeping and communicating well. Men and women communicate very differently. But God is the perfecter of all and delights for us to bring Him into our relationship. Just as a parent adores being asked advise from a child, God desires to help us in our relationships.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you."
~ Matthew 7:7

p.s. Disclaimer: Derek and I are doing great! I don't want anyone else worrying about us. I just felt this on my heart to share how important God is in every area of our lives...especially relationships and communication! :)

1000 Gifts (continued)

I've been slacking on this a bit and thought I would add a few more. Seems like a good day for it!

16) Amazing friends and family that helped bring in my 30th birthday and make it a wonderfully happy experience!

17) My supportive husband through many gallons of tears (sad & happy ones!)

18) My coffee with Chai creamer

19) Cozy flannel sheets and snuggly blankets on our bed now that it's getting colder outside!

20) This time I have to relax, refresh, and spend with God in the morning before starting work.

21) That we're going to our first Timbers game tomorrow!

22) Our heater

“A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him,
who can eat or find enjoyment?”
~ Ecclesiastes 2:24-25

Purpose

"But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.
So you too should be glad and rejoice with me."
~Philippians 2:17

Walking this road of infertility has been the hardest and most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. And it continues to be. However, lately I have come to realize that the closeness I've experienced with God through this is like none I've ever experienced before. This has brought me to the stark realization that I would honestly rather suffer through this pain if that is God's will than ever have children. I do hope and pray that this is a temporary situation and that someday I will be blessed with them, but in the past few days I have come to embrace my pain. It's still there. It hasn't left me. And it is still incredibly painful, but with it now lies a sense of purpose in my suffering. If my pain somehow helps or encourages anyone else for God's plan then it is all worth it.

I also know that the closeness I have felt with God since hitting that extreme low a few weeks ago has been incredible. I feel like He is always right there with me comforting me, holding me up at times, and leading me. It's a crazy feeling because it's so real and so constant that I can't help but be thankful and gracious. Since that breakdown I have not felt alone for one second and it has been the most amazing feeling ever.

The only way I can think to describe what I feel lately is that my flesh and spirit feel so at war. My desires and flesh want so badly to have a child that it feels like a part of me is dying it's so painful. It feels like there is a giant gaping hole in my stomach that continues all the way up my throat. Yet in that same breath my spirit is so joyful in wanting to do God's will and feeling His closeness and purpose in my situation that I also feel a peace and contentedness. I know this sounds conflicting and it feels just as conflicting inside my body as well. I don't know how long this will last, or what the future holds, but I do know who holds it and I trust in that.

Here's a song by Laura Story called Blessings that really sums it all up for me:




We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if each promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this hearts,
That this is not, this is not our home.....
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?