Gender Reveal

So we decided to find out the sex of our baby as soon as was possible in hopes of bonding more with "it" and helping our brains to grasp more of the reality of our situation. In case you don't know how that's done, it's through a blood test. And in case you don't know my history, I very often faint when getting my blood taken. Yes, super fun.

The last time I got my blood taken (before this current time) was three years ago and I went by myself. I decided (for no good reason) that I would be fine this time and be able to stay conscious. Needless to say, I woke up in a lounge chair across the room from where I had been previously sitting getting my blood taken and had no recollection of any of it. So no, I wasn't fine or conscious.

This time Derek came with me but chose to stay in the waiting room (for who knows why). When I walked back into the "blood room" it was small and there was only a tall chair (no bed). I asked her if I could be moved somewhere and lay down for this since I tend to pass out. She said they didn't have one. I then asked her if I should get my husband since there was a good possibility he'd have to hold me up for the end of the "taking." She agreed that would be a good idea and Derek came into the room. She was so sweet and chatted me up, as well as did an outstanding job putting the needle in. I didn't even feel it. I don't ever watch, I don't look, I don't even think about it. So why this happens I don't completely understand other than I've been told it's a normal reaction some people get where their blood pressure just tanks out. After a few minutes I could feel that it was coming. My hearing starts to get super faint and then my vision becomes tunnel vision and I tried to say, "I'm about to faint!" Derek says it never got out of my mouth and I just passed out cold. Very cold. He moved forward and basically held me upright in the chair while the sweet lady finished taking my blood (so he tells me). Then they waiting for me to wake up. And waited. And waited. And waited. After a few minutes they decided my body needed some help getting blood back to my head (since my face was apparently a shade of gray/green), so Derek picked me up and carried me next door to a patient room with a bed in it (why couldn't we have just gone there in the beginning!?) and laid me down (again so he tells me). I vaguely remember someone asking me if my pillow was ok but it sounded like they were underwater and I felt like my face was super hot and almost as though I was going to throw up, so I don't think I even responded. I laid there for a good ten minutes before I could make out where I was. And even then it came back slowly and was super hard to focus on anyone. Derek even lifted up my feet over my head to help the process (get more blood back to my brain) and still it took forever. The phlebotomist said in 17 years she'd never seen someone pass out so hard and for so long. Yay me. 

In other words, this was quite the process just to get this information! But since they needed to take my blood to check all my blood work anyways, we figured might as well get that info too. We honestly had no preference on what we were having. We were just looking forward to not calling this baby "it" anymore as well as hoping to feel a little more connected to the reality of this all. I was also really hoping to be able to feel more connected to "it" after this info too. As hard as this has been for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I'm really and actually pregnant, calling the baby "it" has certainly not helped. It has made me feel a bit like we're talking about something fake and has only added to my subconscious assumptions that maybe this is in fact not reality, or someone else's reality. 

Since pretty much the beginning, Derek has thought it was a boy. I, however, didn't really have any thoughts on the matter since I think it's kinda silly when people say they think they know what it is since it's really just a 50/50 chance! Flip a coin and you have the exact same odds. But, over the past week or so I've also come to feel this settledness that it's a boy and almost like I was prepared for that to be the answer. However, I was also trying to remain completely open to whatever the outcome would be since honestly just having a gender figured out feels like having another huge stepping stone in our processing becoming reality.

They told us it would probably take 7-10 business days to find out from when the blood was taken. Of course I was hoping for earlier and thankfully on day 6, only about 30 minutes before Derek left to go work nights...we got the email! I almost had a heart attack. Even though it was just reading an email together I will be honest it was quite a rush. First in the email it listed that all the baby's other blood work came back normal and healthy which was such a HUGE blessing to see, and then it also included the fact that the Chromosome Y was detected. For those of you like me who had to think for a second what that means...it means that "it" is in fact a boy. 

I will say that finding out the gender has actually really helped my processing and it feels incredibly more real to me already. I also feel incredibly more connected to HIM. Which is still a little weird to say. Him. Wow. It makes me feel a little teary just saying it! Granted so does every commercial, song, and being hungry as well, so that might not be saying too much, haha. Really though, it has caught me a little off guard how much finding out has affected me in a positive way and has really diminished the shock and denial. 

The fact that Derek and I will have a son feels a bit surreal, but also really good. We're both excited and that alone is exciting in itself. We would have been great either way, but just knowing one way or the other feels like miles ahead for us in processing. It feels like we can envision this as a reality just a touch more. Which is huge for us. We are also excited to see what God does in this boy's life and what plans He has for us all. This is still so crazy, but we are thankful for this BOY and along for the ride!

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb." Psalm 139:13

Hunger Monster

I've always struggled with perfectionism, which can also be described as a struggle in wanting control over myself and situations. I like to have things how I like to have them, and I like to be good at the things I do. If I'm not good at something, I prefer not to even do it! (I'm not saying that's right, I know it's not, but that's part of my struggle). This pregnancy has brought this struggle to a whole new level in ways that are mindblowingly comical and also excruciatingly frustrating to me. Even with finding out I was pregnant and not having the reaction I felt I "should" brought on all sorts of new and crazy emotions. I've worked hard to give myself grace in those reactions and emotions over the past few weeks, and feel that to an extent I'm doing much better there. However, there are other new areas - more physical aspects now - that are proving to be a whole new challenge altogether.

Starting with one that I understand most people will think is ridiculous...being controlled by hunger. It feels like my stomach has turned into a monster. The fact that I have to have snacks next to my bedside because if I don't eat when it gets hungry either: 1) I am pretty sure I will throw up or 2) I can't stand up without almost fainting. I know it probably sounds crazy but I don't want to be controlled by hunger. It bugs me. And then it frustrates me...to the point of crying. Which yes, I have cried (multiple times) over the fact that I'm being controlled by a hunger monster in my belly. The real crazy of it is that I somehow feel I should be "better than that." Yes, you read that correctly. I want to be in control of my hunger and when I want to eat. But no, my body now says it's either going to throw itself on the floor by passing out, or make me run to the bathroom to vomit if I don't put food in it exactly when and how often it says. And I don't like that. It makes me feel out of control. 

Which I guess makes sense, because I am not in control. Obviously. 

I always thought when pregnant women said they "needed" to eat it was just that they "wanted" to eat. Like sure yeah food sounds great, "nom nom nom nom." Now, I realize it's more of a life or death situation and for some reason I can't stand being controlled by my hunger monster. Not to mention I'm not a foodie and honestly just get tired of eating sometimes. Derek saw me on the couch the other day and said my lips and face looked pale and wanted to know if I was feeling ok. I told him that no I was actually feeling super run down. He wanted to know if I'd eaten recently. My response, "No. But I don't want to." Then I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. It's like I've turned into a giant toddler! I don't know why I feel like this. If someone else was doing this I would probably laugh and encourage them to get over it and just EAT! 

Why do I get so frustrated at being controlled by my hunger now? I wonder if I would have felt this annoyed about being controlled by hunger had I got pregnant way back in the day when I actually wanted to be and maybe would have expected it? Is this a normal feeling to be annoyed by this? Or is this just my crazy perfectionism struggle wanting to be in control of myself? Or just simply my mind still not being able to completely wrap itself around the fact that it's not ME being crazy demanding of myself, but that there is actually something growing in me that needs nutrition. Whaaaat???! (That still sounds so crazy)

It really is hard for my mind to believe that this morning (really, all-day) sickness is due to pregnancy and not just some "other" issue. I'm constantly trying to figure out what's "wrong" with me aka the flu and all the other reasons I rationalized away in the beginning before I knew I was pregnant. Not to mention this sick feeling coupled with the fact that I've never felt so exhausted and depleted like this before feels a bit like I'm failing at something. What, I'm not sure of. But it certainly doesn't feel like I'm nailing perfection, that's for sure! I somehow think I should be able to force my body to have more energy and not feel like the only place I want to be is my little blanket cocoon I've made on the couch. It feels scary. Like, what if I never have energy ever again?

Just yesterday I woke (after a good 9 hours of sleep) and felt like I could go right back to sleep for another 9 hours. Instead I got up, had breakfast (hoping that would help - which it did not - and that made me cry a little out of frustration), and then proceeded to lay on the couch for 4 hours because I felt paralyzed I was so tired. After 4 hours (past my monster's feeding time) I realized I was only getting worse in the energy department and asked Derek if he wanted lunch. He said sure and asked what I wanted to do for lunch. My response? Hysterically crying because I had past the point-of-no-return and the hunger monster was doing it's worst, and I was out of control of it. It's crazy. (By the way, Derek cut up apples and cheese for me pretty much immediately and I was better within minutes) I even had looked at the clock an hour before thinking I should probably eat something but didn't want to "give in" to the feelings because no food sounded good and I was exhausted and I just plain and simple don't like being controlled. Wow. There it is. I don't like being controlled.

Growth is a funny thing. It's painful (ever heard of "growing pains?"). Just like this is painful. And this IS growth...literally and figuratively. I want to be good at growth. But not just in a perfectionism way. God brought this growth into my life and I want to respect it and use it for good and His glory. I don't want to let myself be a giant toddler and miss the ways I'm supposed to grow in, both physically and emotionally. Maybe that's how I need to look at this whole process more. Feeling hungry and controlled by this hunger monster isn't a bad thing...it's a growth opportunity. Both for literally feeding and growing this baby, as well as relinquishing control over my own desires and growing in ways God wants me to for His purposes. I want to grow and I want to feed both my soul in this process, as well as this sweet growing baby inside of me. Which right there, is growth in itself. I am learning to view this baby and process as good and sweet. I can even say I am genuinely thankful for this path God has put us on, even with all the crazy growth (and tears) along the way. 

"So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, 

but God who causes the growth." 

1 Corinthians 3:7

"Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your 

progress will be evident to all." 

1 Timothy 4:15

This Is Crazy

I am pregnant.

Three words I literally never thought I would speak out loud. 

After almost 15 years of infertility...coming to a place of not only peace, but of not even desiring to have children of my own anymore...and going through peri-menopause for the past year…we recently found out that I am pregnant.

I will be honest, this has been a major shock for us. The first week I was completely in denial. I will also be honest that this was no longer what we had planned for, let alone hoped for anymore in our lives for years, and it is taking some time to process. 

I have come to realize that there is a part of me (a very large part) that strongly identifies as “Infertile Lindsey.” It is who I identify as and I have come to love that part of me and how I can relate to others in all sorts of different ways because of it. I have also realized that reconciling that part of me to what is now “Fertile Lindsey” has been mind-blowingly difficult to say the least, and quite a bit painful if I’m completely vulnerable. There are parts of me that feel like a mean trick is being played on me and I literally don’t have a place in my brain to put the information. That part of my mind and imagination died and was buried many years ago. It was easier and much more plausible to believe my period was three weeks late due to menopause rather than pregnancy. So when I did find out I was already 7 weeks along. Even the exhaustion and nausea I had been experiencing for 2 weeks prior was easily rationalized away by a slew of excuses. Pregnancy never even crossed my mind as a reasonable option.  

I will be honest that this has been hard. Really hard. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally for both Derek and myself. Not just in the sense that our life has been completely turned upside down from anything we’ve imagined for years, but also in the sense that not being able to grasp something that is supposed to be such a special and wonderful surprise has been difficult. We don’t want to have a hard time adjusting. We’re trying to process as fast as we possibly can. But just like we couldn’t make me become pregnant in the timing we had hoped for so many years ago, we also cannot force our hearts and minds to get on the "confetti and fireworks train of excitement" in our own timing either. We are working on giving ourselves grace in that and trusting in God to bring us there in His perfect timing. 

There are so many aspects of our infertility journey that are affecting the lens of how we are able to see and process this all. I have realized that I am much more sensitive to pregnancy topics still than I would have ever imagined. I didn’t even want to take the pregnancy test when I did because I had such PTSD over hating the topic of them. They always disappointed me then, and to be honest, in a way did again. I couldn’t even look at the result after peeing on it and left the bathroom before the results could set in. Derek actually went in and saw it and had to come out to tell me the news. Again, wanting to be honestly transparent, I cried. Hard. This was certainly not the way we anticipated our plans to go. And even after the fact of knowing our path was going to look different, it was and is equally as hard not being able to have what I would consider "the right" reaction to it all. (I have cried multiple times simply because I was crying over the situation and being disappointed in myself that I was crying in the first place. Yes, it's a whole new level of crazy for me!) I even told a friend this morning on the phone that I can’t handle the idea of being called “mom” yet and that I’m much more comfortable with my name “Auntie” and maybe I’ll just have this baby call me that. (I’m technically kidding…but it’s still a process)

It's funny that we've always loved this verse, “The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9) Well this is certainly applying to our lives quite strongly right now! But it's no different than any other time we’ve had to put our trust in Him for seemingly crazy or new paths in our lives. We have trusted before and He’s always brought us through and exceeded our wildest dreams. So here we are again trusting in His way for us in a seemingly unbelievable turn of events in our lives. 

I trust that we will get there. I’m not afraid (well not completely) that we won’t. It feels crazy and ironic that God got us and brought us through infertility and now seems He is getting us and bringing us back in the opposite direction. I know I blogged in the past about my identity crisis in moving from a person wanting children so badly I thought I would die, to a person that became not only at peace with not having them, but to becoming a person that no longer desired to have children of my own. Now it seems that I am having another identity crisis in realizing I no longer can be that person regardless of how I feel / felt. 

It’s also been hard to come to grips with how much pregnancy announcements have hurt me in the past and how much I strongly desired not to ever be that person to potentially make another person sad over a pregnancy announcement. I didn’t realize how much pride I had come to have in “knowing” that I would “never” be that person who hurt another through an announcement like that. And now here I am, announcing that I am pregnant. It seriously feels like a joke. A very not nice one. Honestly for days after I found out I kept looking at the picture of the pregnancy test on my phone thinking that this has to have been the wildest dream I’ve ever had. There’s no way this is really reality. But according to the ultrasound I had a week ago and the clear heart beat on it as well as the constant nausea and exhaustion I’m feeling every day…it apparently actually is reality. Although it is seriously still a struggle to remember it's real. It feels like I'm constantly waking up from a daydream and having to figure out what's true and what's not. For example, I was just thinking about whether this is something I should even be sharing or not, and then literally had to pause to think, "Wait is this really happening? What am I even talking about?? Am I seriously pregnant???"

I know it will get better and we will remember it's real more naturally at some point (hopefully before the baby gets here!) and we're even miles further along than we were when we first found out. Each day and each small milestone has helped. Even other people's excitement over this baby helps us get further along. It's been a slow and steady process and we're trusting there's a reason even for that. 

One last crazy aspect of all this is that I started this blog over 10 years ago under the guise of sharing about our travels during the last year of Derek's medical school, but really anticipating that I would finally be pregnant any day and would get to turn it into a pregnancy / baby update blog for my friends and family. I always thought it was so funny that it ended up turning into basically an infertility blog for the most part. I have no idea what it will become now or how often or if I will even write more here, but it seemed fitting to share the honesty of our lives in this area as Derek and I have come to learn the immense importance and joy in being real and vulnerable and inviting others into the depths of our lives over the past few years. Thank you for supporting and loving us from far and near through our vulnerable ups and downs of this crazy and immensely blessed life Jesus has given us. 

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.' Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow ... Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that." 
James 4:13-15

Finding Joy

Just having got back from a trip in Florida to swim with manatees, I feel like my heart could burst with joy. I’m still coming down from the high of swimming with such majestic, playful, incredible animals. They are like giant puppies of the sea and my heart is hooked on them. I currently feel so thankful and at no surprise having just had this incredible week with them, as well as even more incredible people. However, upon talking to a very close friend of mine about the subject of joy, it made me realize that what I am experiencing isn’t just a circumstantial feeling of happiness that comes and goes. 

It’s stemming from what I’ve been learning lately about tapping into my heart and truly living from it. I’ve been realizing (much through the help of an incredible book I’ve been going through called Waking the Dead by John Eldridge) that our heart is the key to living a full life, and fully embracing the joy we were meant to experience. I’ve come to realize in the past few years that I have a very tender heart and I’ve come to appreciate it and no longer shy away from it, or be embarrassed about it. Yes, I cry at commercials, the NFL draft, and of course over manatees. But that’s a good thing and I’ve realized it’s an ability to tap into my heart completely and experience joy on an extreme level. Being vulnerable and open to those feelings and not cutting them off, to seem like I’ve got it all together (as I’ve done for many years before), has opened up a store house of immense thankfulness…which has led directly to immense joy. 

Yes I am super blessed and thankful to have swam with manatees and experienced great fellowship in Crystal River. However, the level of joy that has come from that thankfulness is more on par with having won the lottery and seen a real live unicorn in one day. My conversation with my friend made me realize that the more I’ve been tapping into my heart, the more I’ve been able to see the many blessings around me (big AND small) to the point of overflowing with thankfulness leading to extreme joy. 

For example, I’ve never been a bird person. I didn’t even like birds. I thought they were gross. However, in the past year or so I have come to appreciate them flitting around our backyard and bathing in our bird bath to the point that I am so thankful when those sweet little birds appear in our yard now that I could almost cry (and have a few times). I’m filled with a joy that is unexplainable and that only a year or two ago I wouldn’t have experienced at all because I hadn’t tapped into the full potential of my heart and thankfulness. Now I see a bird and I’m filled with a similar feeling as though I just received an award or got a hug from a long lost friend. And it fills my thankfulness and joy to overflowing. 

Even sunsets lately have been overwhelming to me at times. I’ve always loved sunsets. They’re beautiful. Most people would agree. But lately, when I see a sunset I am literally moved almost to tears. It feels like it’s a personal gift to my heart and I am filled with an overwhelming sense of thankfulness and joy as though I were the only person on the planet experiencing it. I’ve been watching sunsets my whole life and have never felt these feelings until this past year or so. It’s crazy. But I love it. 

I’ve had a hard time explaining this lately because I knew I was experiencing many highs and feelings of blessings, but also am very familiar to what it feels like not to experience that at all. I’m very familiar with seasons of disappointment, depression, and loneliness to name a few. Those are very real and difficult circumstances. However, I feel like this new found tapping into my heart is awakening me to the realization that joy doesn’t have to be completely circumstantial. It can be, but it shouldn’t always stem from there. I experience joy when I feel thankful for something. And I feel thankful for something when I allow my heart to focus on any and every thing that is good, true, beautiful, and right in my life and the world. I need to not gloss over things so quickly and take the time to allow my heart to be thankful. I need to remember to look and dwell on the positive things in life, and focus my energy on being thankful for them so that joy has the opportunity to overflow. God’s blessings are all around us just waiting to be noticed, be thankful for, and then fill us up with joy overflowing.  

"Every good and perfect gift is from above." James 1:17

"For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the 
giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God." 

2 Corinthians 4:15

"In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 
1 Thessalonians 5:18

(This was originally written in January)

The backstory of Mango the Manatee

Writing a book has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. I've started many over the years on various topics but could never completely get into them before starting a new topic or getting distracted by something else going on in our lives. I honestly wasn't sure it would ever happen but feel so blessed to have it finally completed! I couldn't thank God more for this incredible experience along the way and how everything came together so perfectly.

After swimming with manatees on my surprise trip from Derek earlier this year, I got home and didn't know what to do with all the excitement and passion I had from the experience. I remember saying to Derek that, "I feel silly that I have all these feelings pent up and feel like I need to do something with them but can't fathom how or what." After finally thinking to pray about it, God gave me the idea of a children's book. How incredibly perfect for someone who absolutely loves children, manatees and writing. It was comical how perfectly it fit.

The writing part seemed to come out so easily. Even though I did a million and a half drafts and edits, it came to fruition like it was a part of me. The topic of doing the right thing in a difficult situation and repaying meanness with kindness has always been an extremely important subject to me. I know how hard kids have it these days and with bullying being such a prominent subject, I think it's important for kids to see that it's good to treat others how they would want to be treated regardless of anyone else's actions. And hopefully in leading by example we can all experience the same result Mango does from others!

I was so blessed to be connected with my illustrator, Leah Lopez, and she was amazing to work with. She drew out everything I wanted like she could see the pictures in my mind. This is exactly what I pictured my cartooned Mango to look like and I couldn't be happier with how the pictures all turned out.

I am blown away by the outpouring of support I have received from so many people since announcing the publication and posting it online. The amount of shares, likes, beautiful comments, and books ordered since going public has been truly incredible and I am so very thankful for each and every one of you for your support. I hope and pray that this book will bless you and your children, and maybe even get to others that I don't even know. This has been an incredible experience and continues to be so as each day passes. Next dream is possibly having a Mango sequel but we will see...! :)

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

Click here to purchase Mango the Manatee on Amazon!

https://www.facebook.com/mangothemanatee/

Infertility

Lately I have had quite a few discussions with many new people about infertility, and many of whom are struggling in the midst of it. I've actually been shocked by how many people I've talked to recently about this considering how few I knew when I was in the middle of dealing with it myself, and also by how few most of them are connected to as well. It's such a lonely experience and most don't have anyone else to relate to who has experienced the same thing. I know I wrote here and there throughout my infertility struggles, but reading back I didn't express as much as I could have during the most painful times. I didn't share some of the hardest aspects or the feelings I felt because during that time I wasn't sure how it would be accepted and didn't feel able to completely open up about everything I was feeling. I hope to encourage others with this sharing now and relate to both those going through infertility and also those who know others going through it.

During some of my darkest and worst hours of wanting to be a mom and have children, I felt I had no one who I could truly and completely relate to or open up to safely. I'm not saying this was correct or true, but that's how the cloud of infertility enveloping me felt like. Sometimes it was exacerbated by conversations with others that pierced my heart and seemed to punch me in the stomach, and other times it was my own insecurities or inability to convey my feelings. Either way it was one of the loneliest, if not the loneliest time of my entire life. Yes I had many people around me. My husband was of course by my side (as much as he, a man not experiencing the desire to be pregnant himself, could be). I had my sweet understanding friend who I had gone through infertility with for years before who by then had gotten pregnant (and, heartbreakingly, it just wasn't the same any longer...it couldn't be). I had many people who were hopeful and loving and wanting the best for me, but no one I felt that could truly understand and relate to the unimaginable pain and confusion that comes with wanting a baby and to be a mom and not being able to do that. 

No one who understood that the romance and spontaneity of sex with my husband, had instead turned into a scheduled event on a calendar that ended with me laying on my back with my legs in the air for 30 minutes (sorry if that's too much info), and sometimes shaking my butt around thinking that would surely get the sperm and egg to connect! No one to understand the chaos and turmoil that pregnancy announcements caused on me because the joy I felt for them was crippled by the paralyzing desire for my own. Or the hatred and guilt I felt towards myself for not being able to be more ecstatic for my friends in their pregnancies. Or the surprise and disgust I felt at myself for the jealousy that crept in at seeing baby pictures or easy pregnancy announcements. The inability to attend friends baby showers because of the intense pain it caused me, which somehow made me feel even more left out at the same time. The sadness over random conversations with new people asking if I had children and telling me in a chipper fleeting voice that, "Oh you will some day!" after hearing that I didn't. The intense frustration I felt from all the well meaning advice to relax, go on vacation, or try a new sex trick. I fully know that people meant well in their words and wishes, but the way it fell on my empty womb and heart was painful to say the least, and made me feel even more alone and more misunderstood. I'm not proud of any of these thoughts or emotions, but they were real and they were mine. And they are oh so common with those struggling with infertility. 

That's a term I hated to use for years. Infertility. But for anyone wanting a baby or to be a mom and not being able to...it is heartbreaking no matter what you call it or where you are in the process. No matter how long you've waited, what a doctor says, or what the so called average time frame "should" be. It's like a piece of you crumples up and dies with every passing period. It's physically painful. I've realized since talking to multiple women over the past few months that this is such a more common experience than people realize and that people don't know how to respond or help people dealing with this. It is one of the hardest things on relationships between spouses as well as between friends and family. I know because I've experienced it between all of those relationships. Some of whom know, and others who have no idea how drastically our relationships changed during that season of time because I didn't know what to say, or how to say it, and so I stayed quiet and alone. 

I'm writing this for those going through infertility to know that you are absolutely not alone, and to give yourself grace in whatever you feel regardless of what it is. To know that there are others that have been there and have felt the exact same terribly shocking things that you are. That some days you will feel anger. Somedays sadness. Other days hurt. Most days loneliness and confusion. And occasionally those joyful peace filled days that are a breath of fresh air. Give yourself grace in whatever you're feeling, and let yourself feel. It's your journey and sometimes feeling is the only thing you can do. 

I'm also writing this to help those who haven't gone through infertility to realize what to say and especially what not to say to someone going through it. To know that it's ok not to know what to say and often that's much better than advise or well wishes of outcomes that can't possibly be known. We know you mean well, but there is so much that can be said and done to help the loneliness and I hope to help and bless your relationships and friendships with those going through this devastating time. I also hope to give you an inside glance at most likely what they are experiencing without saying.

Here are a few things you can say to someone going through infertility: 

1) I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. 

2) I have no idea what to say. 

3) I love you. 

4) I'm praying for you. 

5) Can I do anything for you? 

Things to please not say to someone going through infertility (and if you have, go back to them and apologize and let them know you didn't realize the impact. I promise it will help them feel better & be helpful in your relationship): 

1) Relax and it'll happen. 

2) My friend did "blah blah" and got pregnant. You should try that.

3) Have you tried X...Y....Z? 

4) Go on a vacation and it'll happen. 

5) There's always adoption. 

6) Have you thought about adoption or fertility treatments? 

7) It'll happen don't worry. 

8) You're just stressing and thinking about it too much. 

9) Everything happens for a reason.

10) You can have my kids!

Even though I'm not in the throws of the despair and hurting of infertility any longer, every time I hear a new story my heart squeezes with pain and compassion for those still dealing with this heart break. The loneliness and misunderstandings surrounding it only add to the pain and suffering this terrible experience encompasses. So many people struggle silently on their own and that is one of the hardest parts of infertility. By sharing my struggles I hope to help others realize they're not alone, and also help those not dealing with it relate better to others who are. Please feel free to forward this to anyone who you think may benefit from reading this and also feel free to email me directly if you have questions or want to talk to someone who has been down this road whether you have, are currently, or know someone who is. (linmclark2@yahoo.com)

Always be humble and gentle. 

Be patient with each other, making allowance for 

each other's faults because of your love.

Ephesians 4:2

Seattle

We made it to Seattle and have almost everything unpacked! It feels surreal. I keep referring to our place as, "our hotel" and, "our room," which still cracks me up every time I do it! It's quite the size difference from a 3 bedroom house with a big backyard and garage! We are living in an open 1 bedroom (meaning there is no ceiling on the bedroom) and 1 bathroom that is 677 sqft. :) It's small! But it's actually very quaint and we really are enjoying it. We have our one small green couch, our coffee table, our dining table (with only 2 chairs) & the TV...and that's everything that fits in our living space! It's nice and cozy. The downsizing and purging of so much STUFF was actually very refreshing and we pretty much have just the essentials now.

Our apartment (not hotel) is really quite spectacular. There is a rooftop hang out that you can see the ocean, ferris wheel, & space needle from on one side. The other side you have a view directly into the football stadium. There are multiple different chairs and couches as well as BBQs spaced out all over. They also have a workout room, theater room, yoga room, and a few other kitchen and living space areas and rooms that are open for use or available to reserve. One of Derek's favorites is the game room. There are about 4 arcade games (including his favorite Buck Hunt) that you can play for free and also shuffleboard and a huge TV. The first night we got back here they had a resident BBQ on the roof with amazing food, wine, & beer that was free! So far it seems to be a pretty fun place!

We've walked around the area lots and have found many fun places to go. The restaurants are pretty amazing...and there are SO MANY within a mile walk of us. Most only a block or two away. Bear is still getting used to there being so many people everywhere and doesn't exactly love the elevator but he's slowly adapting (hopefully)!

Overall it's been pretty lovely. It was nice to come up here last week and unpack, have a few day "vacation" back in Portland and come back up here to a mostly unpacked hotel...I mean apartment. ;) It's a little strange that this is our real life and I do feel like we're on vacation since Derek hasn't started working yet but I'm sure it'll feel real once that happens! As for now we're enjoying our time together scouting out our new city and celebrating this time off that Derek hasn't had in years. We're really just so very thankful for all of this and we're excited to see what God has in store for us here!

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, 

plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

Here are a few pictures of our new place!

 Bear checking out the view from our apartment window

 Rooftop Middle

 Cute Mediterranean place we found only a few blocks away

 Sunset on the roof

 Our apartment!

Other view of the apartment! :)

 View from the rooftop to the north west

 View from the rooftop to the north west

View from the rooftop to the south

 Before unpacking was completed!

Before unpacking was completed!

Adorable welcome gift when we arrived at our apartment