Fear

"You did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave, again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship, and by Him we cry 'Abba, Father."
~Romans 8:15

Fear is a tricky thing. Sometimes you don't even realize you are fearing something and other times it can be painfully obvious. It can creep up and paralyze you before you even have time to think through the logistics of the situation. Fear has become somewhat of a constant battle for me especially in the subject of adoption. There are so many fears I can become a slave to if I allow it. Fear that we wont be able to raise the money to adopt a child. Fear that we will adopt and won't know the first thing about how to raise a child. Fear that I won't be a good enough mother, wife, etc. Fear that I wont catch on quickly enough at my new customer service job. The list can go on and on if I let it.

But that is the key - IF I allow it. All these fears haven't happened. They are just figments of my imagination. I read a great quote the other day that made me realize I am striving to get rid of any fear I feel but sometimes that is not the important part to dwell on. It's continuing on and pursing the path regardless of fear and trusting in God to lead me.

"Courage is not the opposite of fear, it is following your
convictions in the face of fear."
-Dr. John Perkins

How God Changed My Heart In A Big Way

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
~Proverbs 3:5-6

I have been in a battle with God over the past few months and finally lost. He has been burdening my heart and I have tried with all my might to deny it and avoid it but have finally given up my own will for His. It's not that I meant to fight it, but apparently I am very good at convincing myself to be in denial when God is calling me to do big things. And I am amazed at how patient He is with me throughout it. I feel like I'm Bruce in the movie Bruce Almighty where he is praying for a "sign" and keeps running over literal signs that tell him the bridge is ending and doesn't even see them bouncing off the front of his car. That's me. Praying for God to show me His will, Him then answering, and me avoiding at all costs what my heart is telling me because it's not a subject I have not considered doing - it's one that I have literally said I would never do.

Adopt an orphan. A subject I have always thought was just fine and dandy for other people but not something I was made to do. Well this is the subject I have been battling over with God. I even went as far as contacting an adoption agency to volunteer because I was so convinced that must be the reason I was so burdened - but not to actually adopt myself. Especially with how long Derek and I have tried to get pregnant the subject has been a question people have often asked me about. "Would you consider adoption?" The answer was always "no." However, the answer now is still different than a simple "yes."

I still hope to someday bear a child from my own womb. But now I have been burdened with a knowledge that there are children already alive out in third world countries that are in orphanages and they are dying. Their parents are either dead or dying and unable to care for them. Their countries are unable to provide loving foster care or a government system to help them survive. They didn't ask to be born and left alone without family or loving care. They sit alone in orphanages starving for food and even more so for love.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans..." ~James 1:27

My eyes and heart have now been opened to this reality and cannot be closed. Maybe someday I will bare a child with Derek's and my genes and maybe not. But regardless, I know there is a child out there that is meant to be our child, just born through a different means. And the crazy part about this whole situation is that God is already changing my heart to feel a strong love and a protectiveness over this child. I want the best for them and I want to protect them and hold them. I don't know if they are even born yet or when they will enter our lives - but I do know they will.

We are currently praying and fasting about when we should start the adoption process as well as where to adopt from. We both feel that it will most likely be sooner than later and are open to whatever God's plan is. We also feel like Ethiopia is most likely the place from where we will adopt. We would appreciate prayers about this so much as this is, and will continue to be, a huge growing experience for us both.

There are so many fears and grievances for me regarding this subject. I know God will take care of them but they are still there for now. One of the biggest grievances is the loss of the "Perfect-Comfortable-White Pickett Fence-American Dream-Life." I never realized I had this but through coming to the realization that adoption is in our future, I realized this loss was painful. I know that there will be hardships, questions, reactions from un-supportive people, and huge adjustments. I know that people will question us, our choices, and that even walking down the street our family will stand out. I will never again be able to hide from questions, stares, or judgment from others. Since coming to this realization that I even had this notion of "normalcy," however, I have also realized I don't ever want to think like that again. I want to stand out if that is what God has planned for us. Not just in looks but in how I live out my daily life. I want to experience everything God has for us, even the difficult and stretching parts. I want to live a Christ centered life and all that it entails. I want to have a Christ like love for all people - especially the meek and forgotten. Especially the poor and needy. I don't ever want to become so comfortable that I forget to care about others or put their needs before my own. Because that is what Jesus did for me and I pray I will do that for others. Not just in adopting an orphan but in everyday of my life towards all people. I want to make a difference in the lives of others. God changed my heart about adoption but I think that it is just the beginning in a long road of growing closer to Him and becoming more of the woman He created me to be.

"Abba, Father,' he said, 'everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." ~Mark 14:36

Compassion

"...and whoever welcomes a little child like this in My name welcomes Me." -Matthew 18:5

For the past several weeks and maybe even months I have seen the title "Compassion" everywhere. I knew that it was a group you could sponsor a child through but never looked much into it. Through this struggle of not being able to get pregnant it has crossed my mind that there are other children out there needing the support both financially and emotionally that we could provide but I hesitated to look into it. It has been such an emotional and raw subject for me and at times almost unbearable. So I avoided looking at these children thinking it would put my emotional meter over the edge.

As much as I avoided looking into this group, however, the more I saw it. On my yahoo banner, facebook, other people's blogs, everywhere. I finally gave in and looked it up and felt a giant tugging on my heart for these precious little children. I talked with Derek and we decided to look at the website together. It's a feeling I can't explain really but it's a way that God squeezes my heart and speaks to me consistently and it's always followed by me crying. We happened upon a boy named Christopher who the website said had been waiting for a sponsor for over 6 months. I burst into tears and we decided he was the one. It so happens that he lives in Kenya with his grandmother. I don't know where his parents are or even if they are alive but I know that he does live in a very HIV/AIDS affected area and is very much in need.

I just received my packet of information about him today and it is just the most amazing thing to me that I can sit here wanting a child so much of my own, and across the world sits a child wanting someone to care for him so much. I know it's not like this child is mine but I do feel that this was a situation placed in front of me by God that I couldn't ignore any longer.

There are so many children in need out there and helping this one at least solves a problem for one. I'm so thankful God brought this to my attention so that I could be moved outside my world and refocus on God's plans. (I've attached a link below in case you'd like to look at the website!)

Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. -Psalm 103:2-5

www.compassion.com

Bear - Toy Sniffing Dog - UPDATE

Five minutes after my last post I went out into the garage to discover that our utility sink had overflowed. I was out there not even 10 minutes cleaning it up when I heard loud squeaking in the house. I came inside to see that Bear had obviously overcome his fear of the Christmas tree and opened two of the other dog toys!!!!!

Now the crazier part about this whole thing is that we have a bunch of Christmas presents under our tree (thanks to my wonderful mother in law, Jane, sending us presents for us to open on Christmas!!)!! Did he open any of those? Nope. He crawled behind those (because I put the dog toys in the very back) to pluck two of the remaining 4 wrapped plastic dog toys. Unbelievable.

Bear - The Toy Sniffing Dog

Bear is a "special" kind of dog. And when I say that I mean if he were a person he would most likely have a significantly below average IQ. Significantly. That being said, he does have ONE amazing ability. He can sniff out a new plastic dog toy ANYWHERE.

Once I bought a few new dog toys and had them on the kitchen table in a plastic bag. He ran over and plopped his little butt down and stared at the table. Then at me. Then back at the table. I figured he must have seen them. So I gave him ONE squeaky ball (it came in a pack of 4). I threw it and while he was chasing it into the other room, I quickly put the other ones on top of the fridge so they couldn't be seen and returned to the table before he did. He came back to the table, stopped, and dropped the ball. He then looked up at the table and sniffed then started sniffing around the floor like he was a hound dog. He proceeded to go straight to the fridge, sniff upwards, then plop down again and stare at the top of the fridge. It was the weirdest thing.

Then last year for Christmas I got the dogs each a stocking with toys in it (yes that's what people without kids do - buy their dogs toys!) and put it in the closet. I left the room not thinking anything of it and when I returned, there was Bear plopped in front of the closet door staring at it like he had X-Ray vision. It was crazy. I thought no way does he smell the toys and opened the door to see what he wanted. He went straight for the bags and shoved his little wet nose in there and grabbed a toy.

This pretty much happens anytime I bring home a toy.

So this year I got them a couple dog toys out of the dollar section at Target (my favorite place) and decided to hide them and outsmart the little guy. I've had them hiding in the guest room closet wrapped up in a bag for a couple weeks, and he hasn't suspected a thing. Today I decided to wrap them figuring if they were wrapped up maybe he wouldn't smell them either.

I went into the room where the toys were hidden and even closed the door so he couldn't see what I was doing. I could hear him sniffing under the door but I just kept working away. Unfortunately when wrapping the third toy I accidentally pushed too hard on it and it squeaked.

You would have thought there was a hunk of steak in the room because Bear began whining and pawing at the door so frantically it was unreal. Once I finished wrapping them and opened the door he flew in and began sniffing the ground where the toys had been like he was a drug sniffing dog. I ran out to the living room to put the toys under the tree before he could see and I thought I had gotten away with it. He came out of the room after a few minutes, went to the trash can and sniffed (where I had disposed of the baggies the toys came in), and then went straight to the Christmas tree and began pawing the toys! This is what he does when he wants something....

First - he hunts and finds it

Then since it's a little too scary too get it himself (our only saving grace) he looks at you for help.

If you don't respond quickly enough he thinks he communicates what he wants just by sitting.

So I decided to let him have one early (because I'm a sucker and he's so pathetic when he sits there and stares at me). What a little stinker. Here's a video of him getting it and opening it.

He may not be a smart dog but he sure is a happy one....and he sure can sniff out plastic squeaky dog toys!!

Here's the last video of him playing with the toy (still has wrapping paper stuck to his face) while Gracie (our lazy dog) just watches the crazy hyper "special" dog. Yes I love my dogs this much.

The Main Event

Those of you who know me well know that I pretty much LOVE the color green. So much in fact, that in college, Janelle threw me a surprise "Green" birthday party (for my 20th birthday!). Everyone dressed up in green, decorated the house in green, and had lots of other fun green things. To date, it is still one of my most favorite birthdays ever!

So when we were discussing paint colors for the house (to cover the baby yellow color) and Derek suggested green, it didn't take me even a second to agree!

Last week we were fortunate enough to have a break in the weather so they could come paint the house. It ended up taking a bit longer since it was still so cold and the paint took much longer to dry. But after about 5 days it was done and the house no longer looked like one out of an abandoned scary movie! Whoohoo!!

So here they are....the complete outside change pictures! We'll attempt the landscaping in the spring. Until then this is the finished product...

One of the first outside changes (and one of my favorites!) we made was to get a new mailbox since the "before" one didn't have all the address numbers on it, didn't close, filled with water when it rained, and was covered in moss!

Before....


After...


I was (and still am) very excited about having a mailbox with our name on it! Tif was cute enough to take a picture of me with it when she was here. Even though it's taped off for the plumbers in this picture I still love it! :)


Next up we have the front door. We decided the mustard yellow beer bottle glass door needed to go! We replaced it with a much nicer one!

Before...

After...


Here we have the garage doors...Before....

After...

And finally the WHOLE front of the house!!!
Before....


And AFTER....

So that is the majority of the "before & after" pictures. There may be a few more to come but those are the main events! :)

It's so amazing to me that we own this (GREEN!) house and have been so blessed to be able to make so many wonderful changes and upgrades to it. We have been blown away by God's goodness through this house and this whole experience. We are also especially grateful to our families who helped make this possible as well. Without their generosity and help emotionally, mentally, financially, and physically we wouldn't have been able to do what we have with this house and FINALLY have a HOME to call our own! We are also so thankful for all the support and prayers from our family and friends as well. We know we could not have done this without all of you and we are so grateful for each and every person in our lives and the special role each of you have played in making this house our home.

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy." -Philippians 1:3-4

*A special thank you to our parents Jim & Jane Clark, and Craig & Michele Wollitz. Without all of you our dream would not have become a reality. We love you and will be forever grateful for all of your help involved in this home!

Chimney Sweep Specialist

I have meant to write about our chimney cleaning experience since it was done last month but somehow time continues to escape me!

Once we closed on our house and realized that the fireplace we hoped to be using in the near future probably hadn't been cleaned since the house was built in 1963, we decided to find a chimney cleaner. I researched a few and found out that there are actually companies out there that will charge a little less but not do a complete job leaving behind harmful and flammable substances that can still be a fire hazard. Knowing how old our house was and guessing how dirty the chimney was simply by how dirty the fireplace was, we figured ours would be a big job. I ended up contacting two different companies. The first told me they clean the chimney but not the fireplace. (What?!) So I would have to shovel out the massive pile of who knows what in the fireplace, not to mention the huge heatilator blocking the entrance and then they would come and clean the chimney. Um...that didn't sound so great especially coupled with their expensive price.

The second company I found (Chimney Sweep Specialist) responded much more quickly to me, were incredibly friendly, and told me they include cleaning the fireplace. I knew right away they were a much better option. And I couldn't have been more pleased. They were extremely friendly, professional, quick to respond, and did an excellent job. They even helped take the heatilator out of our fireplace AND kept everything clean in our house! They went above and beyond and we were pleased to use them to replace our damaged damper as well. This is really an excellent company and if we ever need anything done again or fixed on our chimney we will no doubt call them. I highly recommend calling them if you haven't had your chimney cleaned recently. It sure is getting to be lovely "fire in the fireplace" weather!
p.s. They also do lots of other things such as duct, roof, window & gutter cleaning as well as others! Check out their website for more.