Relationships

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
~ Ecclesiastes 4:12

I love my husband more than anything else in this world. I truly feel he is the biggest blessing of my life and I am so thankful for him. However, I cannot imagine being in a marriage or in any relationship without the help of God. Relationships are hard enough even with having what I consider God to be at times in our relationship - a mediator. It is so refreshing and encouraging to know I always have someone else to go to in the midst of problems or strife to be able to help determine where fault lies and when I need to change my attitude.

It's so helpful that we can go to God in prayer rather than arguing in circles. (Even though that still sometimes happens!) We can stop miscommunication by taking time out to ask God to clarify our thoughts and conversations. It's amazing to me how often I do need to look to God for advice in my circumstances and especially when meshing my female thoughts and needs with my husbands male ones. It is true that opposites attract....but in the same breath that also makes certain things inevitably difficult.

Lately I have been wanting a lot of "talk" time with Derek while lately he has been very preoccupied with studying for his upcoming boards test. (Which is probably why I'm needing it more...classic wanting what I can't have!) He does his best to listen (or pretend to listen while sideways glancing at ESPN) and sometimes that's good enough. But realistically other times I want him to talk to me like he's a girl. To gab on and on about nothingness. And that is unrealistic for him. It's just not going to happen. He's a guy (and I'm very thankful he is!)....but also not a huge "talker guy." It's in times like these though, that I am so thankful I have a loving God who can gently remind me of these things. To point out to me my unrealistic expectations ("premeditated resentments!") and to show me maybe I need to get together with a girlfriend if I am feeling that starved for nonstop chatter, instead of trying to turn my husband into a woman.

God created Derek and I perfectly for each other.....which also means He knows how different we are and how often we need to come to Him for peace keeping and communicating well. Men and women communicate very differently. But God is the perfecter of all and delights for us to bring Him into our relationship. Just as a parent adores being asked advise from a child, God desires to help us in our relationships.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you."
~ Matthew 7:7

p.s. Disclaimer: Derek and I are doing great! I don't want anyone else worrying about us. I just felt this on my heart to share how important God is in every area of our lives...especially relationships and communication! :)

1000 Gifts (continued)

I've been slacking on this a bit and thought I would add a few more. Seems like a good day for it!

16) Amazing friends and family that helped bring in my 30th birthday and make it a wonderfully happy experience!

17) My supportive husband through many gallons of tears (sad & happy ones!)

18) My coffee with Chai creamer

19) Cozy flannel sheets and snuggly blankets on our bed now that it's getting colder outside!

20) This time I have to relax, refresh, and spend with God in the morning before starting work.

21) That we're going to our first Timbers game tomorrow!

22) Our heater

“A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him,
who can eat or find enjoyment?”
~ Ecclesiastes 2:24-25

Purpose

"But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.
So you too should be glad and rejoice with me."
~Philippians 2:17

Walking this road of infertility has been the hardest and most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. And it continues to be. However, lately I have come to realize that the closeness I've experienced with God through this is like none I've ever experienced before. This has brought me to the stark realization that I would honestly rather suffer through this pain if that is God's will than ever have children. I do hope and pray that this is a temporary situation and that someday I will be blessed with them, but in the past few days I have come to embrace my pain. It's still there. It hasn't left me. And it is still incredibly painful, but with it now lies a sense of purpose in my suffering. If my pain somehow helps or encourages anyone else for God's plan then it is all worth it.

I also know that the closeness I have felt with God since hitting that extreme low a few weeks ago has been incredible. I feel like He is always right there with me comforting me, holding me up at times, and leading me. It's a crazy feeling because it's so real and so constant that I can't help but be thankful and gracious. Since that breakdown I have not felt alone for one second and it has been the most amazing feeling ever.

The only way I can think to describe what I feel lately is that my flesh and spirit feel so at war. My desires and flesh want so badly to have a child that it feels like a part of me is dying it's so painful. It feels like there is a giant gaping hole in my stomach that continues all the way up my throat. Yet in that same breath my spirit is so joyful in wanting to do God's will and feeling His closeness and purpose in my situation that I also feel a peace and contentedness. I know this sounds conflicting and it feels just as conflicting inside my body as well. I don't know how long this will last, or what the future holds, but I do know who holds it and I trust in that.

Here's a song by Laura Story called Blessings that really sums it all up for me:




We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if each promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this hearts,
That this is not, this is not our home.....
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

And then there was one...

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'
~Isaiah 55:8-9

I knew this day would come. I even prayed this day would come. But once it came I was completely and utterly blindsided and unprepared. My infertility partner, the one I've walked this lonely road with, the one I've cried with, bled with, comforted, and asked those hard questions to God with - is finally pregnant. And I still am not.

The conversation in which she told me wasn't the hard part. At that moment I was filled with shock, surprise, relief, excitement, joy, thankfulness, and more shock. It was about two hours later sitting alone in my house that the severity of it came crashing down. I had been praying for those two hours that I would continue to feel at peace and not let the walls come tumbling in on me, but two hours was all I could hold them up for. And the crashing down was much more severe than I ever imagined.

Not to go into too much detail, but there was definitely some hyperventilating and also panic that I may never be able to control myself to stop the tears. It was pretty dramatic to say the least. And it genuinely shocked me how devastated I felt.

I was not devastated that she is pregnant. I'm thrilled that she gets to experience this joy we have been praying for years about. It was completely separate. The devastation was an attack on my own mind of my own situation. Of feeling alone and like the last person on earth to not have this experience. It was the temptation to think God had forgotten me, or that I am still not good enough to be a mom yet. A million and a half attacking thoughts went through my mind and tortured me. Fears, insecurities, and of course the big question of why not me yet?

It’s so tempting to wallow in the why. And sometimes that's okay, but sometimes it's not. I read a great quote about this subject from Lysa TerKeurst that really sums it up:

"Asking why is perfectly normal. Asking why isn’t unspiritual. However, if asking why pushes us farther from God rather than drawing us closer to Him, it is the wrong question."

Somehow I managed to pull myself up, plug the tears, shut out the screaming insecurities that threatened to suffocate me with reasons of why I am not good enough to be or maybe will never be a mom, and stood up. That seemed a very large feat at the time. I then put one foot in front of the other and prayed like I never have before that God would give me the strength to trust once again fully in His plan for me in this moment in time.

Thankfully those prayers are being answered at the moment. I have since then been able to ward off those hurtful thoughts and attacks which has made me able to enjoy and experience this time with my friend in her pregnancy. And let me tell you that it is wonderful. She has done such an amazing job of including me in every detail of what is going on while being so perfectly sensitive with disclaimers and honesty. I am loving hearing every detail about this precious baby and just love it so much already. I feel like it's partly my miracle baby too. I knew our friendship had grown incredibly through our bond of infertility, but I had no idea it would grow even more through changing that bond to one of support through fertility. I am so blessed to see this miracle unfolding before my eyes in her and I truly am so happy for her.

I am also so thankful to those who have been praying for me because not only do I trust completely in God's plan for my life in my head right now, but I also FEEL at peace in my circumstances and in that trust. I know that plan doesn't include children in it for me at this moment and that's okay. I know my purpose here is to try my best to show people God's love and help others grow closer to Him. I feel so blessed to have the hope that Jesus brings and am so thankful for His presence in my life. I couldn't do this without Him.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
~Philippians 4:12-13

The Backyard Landscaping

We finally started on the landscaping of our backyard a few months ago and are so excited with how it has turned out! Here's a little refresher of what it used to look like.....

Make sure you take note of all the exceptional things such as the ridiculous hill that extended out covering half the width of the backyard in front of our slider, the random attempt at a retaining wall / cement blocks thrown all around, the moss covered rocky cement squares that are uneven with each other, and of course the over grown brush all over! We were also told that the patio actually didn't slant away from the house (and that's bad).

These are more recent pictures of just how overgrown the hill got!

We started with removing the lovely hill...

We think they severely underestimated the job because we were told the two guys would finish the job in one day. Instead, four guys came back and worked an entire second day to finish it!

But once they did, there sure was a lot more room!!!

Next was removal of all that ghetto patio and cement squares...

The huge tractor sure made the job easier...it just BARELY squeaked through our gate though. They had to take the doors off so it could fit!

Next was building the retaining wall and getting ready for the cement patio to be poured...

Huge cement truck to do the job!

And after a day of drying......our backyard is complete!! :)

Just a quick look-back at what it used to be....

And now.....

We are so in love with it!!

Now all we need is to get a little rain so our grass that was killed by the tractor can grow back! ;)

More pictures to come soon of the awesome garden box that Derek built above the retaining wall and of the entire yard.

Thank You!

Thank you so much for all the sweet messages and prayers....they are working! I am feeling much better. I can't express how much I appreciate having such amazing people connected in my life. I am very grateful.
I know there will always be hard days and I will work hard to be open about them in the moment so they can get over more quickly! Those are never fun but it's so nice to know I'm not alone in having down moments.
Thanks again!
(Now off to work at the winery...) :)

Caution: this isn't a good one :)

I'm sad to report that things haven't been as blissful as they were for the past 3-4 months in the emotional department for me. This past week I started my period and with it came a flood of tumultuous tears and a downcast attitude. I write this not so that anyone will feel badly for me, but more for my own benefit because one thing I've learned is that I don't like to feel down. And if I do, I try to hide it from everyone....including myself. So I hid it pretty well this week (partially so well because Derek has been on nights this week and so we've only seen each other for about an hour each day and he's completely out of it - normally he probably would have picked up on it and pointed it out to me).

Anyways - today for our blissful one hour hang out I had a pretty good melt down on him (yes, lovely). I kept wanting him to respond and react and somehow tell me everything would be okay and I'd feel better and it's totally normal how I feel. But he didn't. Instead he said that I put to much pressure on myself not to ever let myself feel down. He also made the comment that I will have ups and downs like this for the rest of my life (or until we have a child - and then the ups and downs will just be about different subjects!), and that I need to admit it and accept it and be okay with it.

Then I had to start work and he had to leave for work. Lovely ending to a dramatic episode!

So I thought about it a lot and I realized I really don't like to show weakness or dramatic-ness (yes, my made up word) or even worse (and how I really sometimes feel it comes across) is pathetic-ness (my word again). When I feel this way I usually close up, wall off, and don't communicate with people again until I've "fixed" myself and feel better. Then I talk, write, etc. about how I "felt" bad before but now I'm great! I love having good news for people. Hate having the bad.

So on this journey of life, living, and growth I thought I would reach out and take a step and admit (mostly to myself) that I'm not doing the greatest ever. And that's okay.

I think one thing I fear is when people admit things like this everyone wants to fix them or tell them what they should do differently....or worse - think they've lost all faith and don't trust God, and yadda yadda all because I'm having a bad week. I know that I'm in a good place with God and that my head knows and trusts in His plan and my situation completely. My emotions are just having a hard time following suit this week.

I do still trust completely and know that God is in control and that even though this is painful in the moment - He knows better than me. I may never know why I have to endure this pain, but I do know that God has a reason for everything and that His way is better than any I could plan myself.

So, I'm sorry I don't have an uplifting blog to write today (for those couple of you who may be reading this), but I felt it was important that I admit this in the midst of it. And also to ask for prayer for anyone reading this that I would get out of this slump FAST! Because it never feels good feeling down.

{Keep on keeping on!} What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. ~C.S. Lewis