Infertility

Lately I have had quite a few discussions with many new people about infertility, and many of whom are struggling in the midst of it. I've actually been shocked by how many people I've talked to recently about this considering how few I knew when I was in the middle of dealing with it myself, and also by how few most of them are connected to as well. It's such a lonely experience and most don't have anyone else to relate to who has experienced the same thing. I know I wrote here and there throughout my infertility struggles, but reading back I didn't express as much as I could have during the most painful times. I didn't share some of the hardest aspects or the feelings I felt because during that time I wasn't sure how it would be accepted and didn't feel able to completely open up about everything I was feeling. I hope to encourage others with this sharing now and relate to both those going through infertility and also those who know others going through it.

During some of my darkest and worst hours of wanting to be a mom and have children, I felt I had no one who I could truly and completely relate to or open up to safely. I'm not saying this was correct or true, but that's how the cloud of infertility enveloping me felt like. Sometimes it was exacerbated by conversations with others that pierced my heart and seemed to punch me in the stomach, and other times it was my own insecurities or inability to convey my feelings. Either way it was one of the loneliest, if not the loneliest time of my entire life. Yes I had many people around me. My husband was of course by my side (as much as he, a man not experiencing the desire to be pregnant himself, could be). I had my sweet understanding friend who I had gone through infertility with for years before who by then had gotten pregnant (and, heartbreakingly, it just wasn't the same any longer...it couldn't be). I had many people who were hopeful and loving and wanting the best for me, but no one I felt that could truly understand and relate to the unimaginable pain and confusion that comes with wanting a baby and to be a mom and not being able to do that. 

No one who understood that the romance and spontaneity of sex with my husband, had instead turned into a scheduled event on a calendar that ended with me laying on my back with my legs in the air for 30 minutes (sorry if that's too much info), and sometimes shaking my butt around thinking that would surely get the sperm and egg to connect! No one to understand the chaos and turmoil that pregnancy announcements caused on me because the joy I felt for them was crippled by the paralyzing desire for my own. Or the hatred and guilt I felt towards myself for not being able to be more ecstatic for my friends in their pregnancies. Or the surprise and disgust I felt at myself for the jealousy that crept in at seeing baby pictures or easy pregnancy announcements. The inability to attend friends baby showers because of the intense pain it caused me, which somehow made me feel even more left out at the same time. The sadness over random conversations with new people asking if I had children and telling me in a chipper fleeting voice that, "Oh you will some day!" after hearing that I didn't. The intense frustration I felt from all the well meaning advice to relax, go on vacation, or try a new sex trick. I fully know that people meant well in their words and wishes, but the way it fell on my empty womb and heart was painful to say the least, and made me feel even more alone and more misunderstood. I'm not proud of any of these thoughts or emotions, but they were real and they were mine. And they are oh so common with those struggling with infertility. 

That's a term I hated to use for years. Infertility. But for anyone wanting a baby or to be a mom and not being able to...it is heartbreaking no matter what you call it or where you are in the process. No matter how long you've waited, what a doctor says, or what the so called average time frame "should" be. It's like a piece of you crumples up and dies with every passing period. It's physically painful. I've realized since talking to multiple women over the past few months that this is such a more common experience than people realize and that people don't know how to respond or help people dealing with this. It is one of the hardest things on relationships between spouses as well as between friends and family. I know because I've experienced it between all of those relationships. Some of whom know, and others who have no idea how drastically our relationships changed during that season of time because I didn't know what to say, or how to say it, and so I stayed quiet and alone. 

I'm writing this for those going through infertility to know that you are absolutely not alone, and to give yourself grace in whatever you feel regardless of what it is. To know that there are others that have been there and have felt the exact same terribly shocking things that you are. That some days you will feel anger. Somedays sadness. Other days hurt. Most days loneliness and confusion. And occasionally those joyful peace filled days that are a breath of fresh air. Give yourself grace in whatever you're feeling, and let yourself feel. It's your journey and sometimes feeling is the only thing you can do. 

I'm also writing this to help those who haven't gone through infertility to realize what to say and especially what not to say to someone going through it. To know that it's ok not to know what to say and often that's much better than advise or well wishes of outcomes that can't possibly be known. We know you mean well, but there is so much that can be said and done to help the loneliness and I hope to help and bless your relationships and friendships with those going through this devastating time. I also hope to give you an inside glance at most likely what they are experiencing without saying.

Here are a few things you can say to someone going through infertility: 

1) I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. 

2) I have no idea what to say. 

3) I love you. 

4) I'm praying for you. 

5) Can I do anything for you? 

Things to please not say to someone going through infertility (and if you have, go back to them and apologize and let them know you didn't realize the impact. I promise it will help them feel better & be helpful in your relationship): 

1) Relax and it'll happen. 

2) My friend did "blah blah" and got pregnant. You should try that.

3) Have you tried X...Y....Z? 

4) Go on a vacation and it'll happen. 

5) There's always adoption. 

6) Have you thought about adoption or fertility treatments? 

7) It'll happen don't worry. 

8) You're just stressing and thinking about it too much. 

9) Everything happens for a reason.

10) You can have my kids!

Even though I'm not in the throws of the despair and hurting of infertility any longer, every time I hear a new story my heart squeezes with pain and compassion for those still dealing with this heart break. The loneliness and misunderstandings surrounding it only add to the pain and suffering this terrible experience encompasses. So many people struggle silently on their own and that is one of the hardest parts of infertility. By sharing my struggles I hope to help others realize they're not alone, and also help those not dealing with it relate better to others who are. Please feel free to forward this to anyone who you think may benefit from reading this and also feel free to email me directly if you have questions or want to talk to someone who has been down this road whether you have, are currently, or know someone who is. (linmclark2@yahoo.com)

Always be humble and gentle. 

Be patient with each other, making allowance for 

each other's faults because of your love.

Ephesians 4:2

Seattle

We made it to Seattle and have almost everything unpacked! It feels surreal. I keep referring to our place as, "our hotel" and, "our room," which still cracks me up every time I do it! It's quite the size difference from a 3 bedroom house with a big backyard and garage! We are living in an open 1 bedroom (meaning there is no ceiling on the bedroom) and 1 bathroom that is 677 sqft. :) It's small! But it's actually very quaint and we really are enjoying it. We have our one small green couch, our coffee table, our dining table (with only 2 chairs) & the TV...and that's everything that fits in our living space! It's nice and cozy. The downsizing and purging of so much STUFF was actually very refreshing and we pretty much have just the essentials now.

Our apartment (not hotel) is really quite spectacular. There is a rooftop hang out that you can see the ocean, ferris wheel, & space needle from on one side. The other side you have a view directly into the football stadium. There are multiple different chairs and couches as well as BBQs spaced out all over. They also have a workout room, theater room, yoga room, and a few other kitchen and living space areas and rooms that are open for use or available to reserve. One of Derek's favorites is the game room. There are about 4 arcade games (including his favorite Buck Hunt) that you can play for free and also shuffleboard and a huge TV. The first night we got back here they had a resident BBQ on the roof with amazing food, wine, & beer that was free! So far it seems to be a pretty fun place!

We've walked around the area lots and have found many fun places to go. The restaurants are pretty amazing...and there are SO MANY within a mile walk of us. Most only a block or two away. Bear is still getting used to there being so many people everywhere and doesn't exactly love the elevator but he's slowly adapting (hopefully)!

Overall it's been pretty lovely. It was nice to come up here last week and unpack, have a few day "vacation" back in Portland and come back up here to a mostly unpacked hotel...I mean apartment. ;) It's a little strange that this is our real life and I do feel like we're on vacation since Derek hasn't started working yet but I'm sure it'll feel real once that happens! As for now we're enjoying our time together scouting out our new city and celebrating this time off that Derek hasn't had in years. We're really just so very thankful for all of this and we're excited to see what God has in store for us here!

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, 

plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

Here are a few pictures of our new place!

 Bear checking out the view from our apartment window

 Rooftop Middle

 Cute Mediterranean place we found only a few blocks away

 Sunset on the roof

 Our apartment!

Other view of the apartment! :)

 View from the rooftop to the north west

 View from the rooftop to the north west

View from the rooftop to the south

 Before unpacking was completed!

Before unpacking was completed!

Adorable welcome gift when we arrived at our apartment

Moving

Yesterday was an emotional day as we locked up our Lanewood house for the last time and drove our way up to Seattle. Even though it was a crazy rollercoaster selling this house, it's bittersweet that we closed escrow yesterday and are no longer home owners of our sweet Lanewood home. That home provided us with so many amazing memories and has been the growth place of so many beautiful friendships. So many birthday parties, Ugly Sweater Christmas parties, dog parties, BBQ's, Beer Release parties, bible studies, and countless other amazing times had there. It's the last home Gracie lived in, it's where we came to terms with infertility, it's where Derek finally finished medical training after 10 years. It will be sorely missed but we are thankful to God for the sale finally going through and completing that part of our life's puzzle. :)

Derek and I recently realized that we have not lived in one place as long as we have in Portland since we were both in elementary school. That’s a crazy thought. The past 6 plus years here in Portland have been AMAZING to say the least. The friends that have become family here have been a life support to us through this crazy medical training, as well as the ups and downs of our life's events over the past 6 plus years. There are too many to list. To say we will miss living here and the people around us does not even begin to describe how we feel. It’s so extreme that my heart has honestly not fully grasped the concept yet. It’s painful to think about. However, we know that God has a plan in moving us and we trust that plan as we always have and look forward to what He has in store for us…even though we can’t see the outcome yet. He is a great God and has blessed us more than we ever could have imagined. 

We hope and pray that the friendships we’ve made in Portland will continue to flourish and grow and be encouraged. We will continue to pray for our Portland family and hope to have many visitors in the near future! Our door is always open…even if it is a little further away now. :) Thank you Portland for being an amazing home and thank you everyone for making our time there INCREDIBLE. We are so thankful.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Waiting

I'm sure I've named past posts with this same name but it seems to be a lesson that I don't learn very well and something that is obviously important for God to teach me. I know He has a plan in it, and I trust that, I just don't like having to wait to see what it is. :) I don't know why I don't do waiting very well. I've certainly had boat loads of experience in this department! If only I could handle it better, maybe I wouldn't have to endure it as much! But waiting seems to slowly shrivel up my stomach and make me feel as though the world were coming to a slow painful end. Not the heaven beautiful end kind. A torturous, don't know if I can endure it kind of experience. Now I realize this sounds ridiculously dramatic and maybe that's why I'm in this waiting predicament again. I don't like waiting.

I don't like waiting in line at the grocery store or the gas station. I hate waiting at red lights or for slow moving cars. I don't even like waiting for dinner to finish cooking! I haven't enjoyed waiting to find out where we'll be moving or what the future holds, and currently I am not loving waiting to know what is going to happen with the selling of our home.

It's craziness. I didn't even want to sell this home. I LOVE this home and the city and all the many many beautiful memories that have been made here. It's the first time in my adult life I have felt at HOME. It's the first house Derek and I have owned and it's the first place we've felt like we've put down roots and really become a part of a community. The countless birthday parties, bible studies, beer releases and BBQs that have taken place here are only some of the amazing times we've experienced. The many babies who have graced our floors and have given me such fulfillment in playing mom have memories in every room. All the dogs who have raced around our backyard and grown up here, including our one and only Gracie living out her last days in this house. This house holds so much love and beauty. It is one of the biggest miracles we've seen God do in our lives with bringing the price of $289K down to a crazy affordable $170K for us and so much more! Our realtor told us in 40 years of real estate he'd never seen anything like it. This house was made to be our home.

Yet, we're being moved to Seattle. And it seemed as though we were to put the house on the market. No, let me change that. We were supposed to put this house on the market, I know that. We prayed for months about it and God changed my heart. I was sad to let it go but I knew it was something I was supposed to do. To let go. So we did. And everyone told us how it would sell immediately because of the market and yadda yadda because everyone else's houses WERE selling immediately! I felt weird anytime someone would say that to us though, almost as though they were going to jinx it, which I know is a ridiculous thought. But then our house DID sell immediately! We were floored! It was weird though because I felt really sad and even cried over it. I felt like someone was taking my house and it was so bizarre. My feelings were mixed with the relief of the waiting being over but at the same time it felt weird and I just figured I was being crazy me.

Then a week later the sellers backed out due to apparently realizing that the house was close to Cedar Hills Blvd. (You did walk through the house and actually see the street and house before making an offer, right!?!? - And yes they did, by the way) To say I was annoyed and bitter is an understatement. Which, yes, I realize is comically ironic considering I was basically mad they were "stealing" my house in the first place! However, since then our house has sat on the market (for 3 weeks). We've had open houses and showings and most people say the same thing that it's too close to Cedar Hills Blvd. This slightly infuriates me because if I'm not mistaken, our house IS listed on the map. So it's not like the location of our house is a big secret until you arrive here. All the while making us keep everything tidy and then get out of the house with sometimes only 15 minutes notice (stressful), while people tromp through our house (and leave pee on our toilet seat or leave our back sliding door open - yes just a few examples of many that have stressed me out)...only to say the location is the problem. It's baffling. And exhausting.

I'm trying to be patient, I really am. But from past experiences I know I am not great at the game of patience. I'm terrible actually. And this is no different. Now the choices begin....do we lower the price? Do we wait it out? Do we just keep the house? Do we try to find a responsible friend to rent it? The hard part is we don't know! We don't know what we are supposed to do and so we wait. My least favorite thing to do ever. Wait. But that's what we're doing, and I'm trying not to go crazy in the process. Which is silly considering we don't even have a date we're moving to Seattle and therefore don't even have a time frame to technically want the house sold by. So why do I feel so impatient!?! I think my natural response to waiting is automatic resistance. I don't know why. But apparently it's something that, yet again, I'm supposed to be practicing. And I am, practicing it real good! ;)

"If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4:15