Thursday, May 7, 2015

Fear Of The Future...Here We Go Again

I feel like for over the past 10 years my life has been a series of changing living locations and preparing for the next move in Derek's career path. Having been settled in Portland now for just about 5 years and even living in our current home for just under 5 years, it's a thought that thankfully hasn't been on my mind in a long time. Moving or changing or relocating just hasn't even been on the horizon. We barely know what Derek's schedule will look like 4 weeks from now let alone in over a year from when he finishes his fellowship. I haven't really thought of changing places....and I have thouroughly enjoyed the emotional and mental break from it.

However, it's come up in conversation recently and now I can't get it out of my brain. The stress, the wonder, the trying to play reverse psychology on God (as Andrew put it the other night at bible study! Haha!), the fear...ugh how I don't miss these feelings. But I am also SO thankful for the past 5 years of mental break from it having been rooted here. Having a break from all the up in the air changes and moves and not knowing what was next or where Derek would get accepted for medical school, then residency, then fellowship....ahhhh it has been a lovely break. And now, it's back. In one year and one month Derek will finish fellowship and will start a "real" job somewhere. Where? We don't know. Do we have hopes? Expectations? Wishes? Of course!! But, all we can do right now is wait for time to pass and trust. There isn't even anything to do or look for yet. It's WAY too early to even really think about this yet! My brain, however, didn't get that memo apparently.

I will confess that I have a fear of change. I love stability and I also confess I sometimes envy those who have it. Who have nothing on the horizon of shifting change of possible locations or knowing that everything about the plan they are on will definitely change in one year and one month from right now. I forgot what this feeling was like of not knowing what the future will hold for not just small things but huge things such as what city or state we will be living in. The possibility of not knowing a single person for thousands of miles surrounding you. Of starting ALL over. It's exhausting really. Granted I also know that nothing could change. We could stay right here and all this thinking could be for nothing...but my brain again, didn't get that memo. :)

Sorry for the venting....and I don't even know if anyone is reading this, but someday in the future I want to look back on this and read and remember what I felt, because I know I don't always share it in the moment. But I am right now. This is the moment. And I don't want to forget this...all of this. Because it's really been a beautiful ride and I want to remember not only the great, but also the trying parts of it too.

I truly do trust that God has a plan and this morning in my Jesus Calling devo (by Sarah Young) the message was absolutely spot on for me:

"If you learn to trust Me - really trust Me - with your whole being, then nothing can separate you from My Peace. Everything you endure can be put to good use by allowing it to train you in trusting Me. . . Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way. Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done. Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day. Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter."

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4

I know it and I believe it....sometimes it's just getting your heart to feel it and follow along. :) And if anyone is reading this I, of course, always appreciate the prayers for not only our future but also for my heart! :)

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