Thursday, August 11, 2011

Caution: this isn't a good one :)

I'm sad to report that things haven't been as blissful as they were for the past 3-4 months in the emotional department for me. This past week I started my period and with it came a flood of tumultuous tears and a downcast attitude. I write this not so that anyone will feel badly for me, but more for my own benefit because one thing I've learned is that I don't like to feel down. And if I do, I try to hide it from everyone....including myself. So I hid it pretty well this week (partially so well because Derek has been on nights this week and so we've only seen each other for about an hour each day and he's completely out of it - normally he probably would have picked up on it and pointed it out to me).

Anyways - today for our blissful one hour hang out I had a pretty good melt down on him (yes, lovely). I kept wanting him to respond and react and somehow tell me everything would be okay and I'd feel better and it's totally normal how I feel. But he didn't. Instead he said that I put to much pressure on myself not to ever let myself feel down. He also made the comment that I will have ups and downs like this for the rest of my life (or until we have a child - and then the ups and downs will just be about different subjects!), and that I need to admit it and accept it and be okay with it.

Then I had to start work and he had to leave for work. Lovely ending to a dramatic episode!

So I thought about it a lot and I realized I really don't like to show weakness or dramatic-ness (yes, my made up word) or even worse (and how I really sometimes feel it comes across) is pathetic-ness (my word again). When I feel this way I usually close up, wall off, and don't communicate with people again until I've "fixed" myself and feel better. Then I talk, write, etc. about how I "felt" bad before but now I'm great! I love having good news for people. Hate having the bad.

So on this journey of life, living, and growth I thought I would reach out and take a step and admit (mostly to myself) that I'm not doing the greatest ever. And that's okay.

I think one thing I fear is when people admit things like this everyone wants to fix them or tell them what they should do differently....or worse - think they've lost all faith and don't trust God, and yadda yadda all because I'm having a bad week. I know that I'm in a good place with God and that my head knows and trusts in His plan and my situation completely. My emotions are just having a hard time following suit this week.

I do still trust completely and know that God is in control and that even though this is painful in the moment - He knows better than me. I may never know why I have to endure this pain, but I do know that God has a reason for everything and that His way is better than any I could plan myself.

So, I'm sorry I don't have an uplifting blog to write today (for those couple of you who may be reading this), but I felt it was important that I admit this in the midst of it. And also to ask for prayer for anyone reading this that I would get out of this slump FAST! Because it never feels good feeling down.

{Keep on keeping on!} What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. ~C.S. Lewis


  1. Linds, this is a beautiful post and a vulnerable moment. I'm so sorry that you're not doing well, and I'm so sorry that even as one of your closest friends, I didn't know about it. I love you so very much and I will be praying for you. You continue to astonish me with your strength and your fortitude - and know that you inspire me every single day.

  2. Lindsey! We are seriously twins right now. Our husbands are telling us the same thing. I am praying for you and asking God, by His Holy Spirit, to move the head knowledge to the depths of our hearts.

    I love you! I will call you ASAP!

  3. I totally know what it feels like to not want to show "weakness" in the form of emotions...I struggle with that and am learning to deal with it. But this was an awesome first step (I sound like a recovery program :)! God is faithful even when everything around us sucks...and He can totally deal with our sadness...He was sad too...(Lazarus and all). Praying for you!