On Saturday as we were getting ready to go to Five Guys (SO yummy!) to get a burger with Jane and Jim, I went back in the bathroom to take a quick glance in the mirror to make sure my hair looked good. It was a beautiful sunny day and I thought it would be perfect to take some pictures in front of the house. That was when I saw the light reflect off that little gray bugger.
I ran out into the living room to have everyone confirm that this was indeed my first real gray hair. And it was. I didn't think much of it until we proceeded to get into the car and I suddenly felt a wave of grief wash over me. I was even more surprised to find tears beginning to sting my eyes. I know again this sounds silly but it felt like the turning point of getting older for me, and the reality of not being a mother again reared it's ugly head. (Along with thoughts of gray hairs and dried up ovaries!)
After hashing out my emotions with the Clarks over a burger and fries (and a few more tears), I felt much better. I was able to get my blood sugar level up (which I'm sure was part of the culprit), discuss all the positives of where I am in life, and be a little distracted by other circumstance that were going on around us.
Since then I have thankfully been blessed once again with a beautiful peace about this subject and even life itself. This verse I read this morning sums it up wonderfully:
Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say; 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'
I know God has a plan and purpose for my life and I am honestly and truly enjoying it. It's just those darn moments when things like a silly gray hair creep in and throw it all off. It was a good learning moment for me to remember that "gray hairs" will always be lurking around to throw off our reality and make us focus on our circumstances and disappointments, instead of our Creator and His great plan. I am truly so thankful for the many things God has blessed me with and taught me over these last few years and I am especially thankful for the amazing time and growth Derek and I have had in our marriage.
As much as that gray hair made me feel like life is passing me by too quickly without certain things I want - when I reflect, I am so blessed by all the amazing time he has given me for things I wouldn't have been able to do as easily had my life gone according to MY plans. Time I've been blessed with in growing my marriage, spending quality time with family and friends visiting us here, growing new friendships here in Portland, working on our house, and especially the quality time spent growing closer to the Lord.
I'm so glad I didn't let that stupid gray hair take over my emotions (too much!) and rob me of the joy in my life at that moment. So often we are tempted to let those "gray hairs" creep in and overshadow the positives of life going on around us. Whatever form they may be in, "they" are always there waiting to have us focus on them instead of the positive realities of our life, if we let them.
This is the life the Lord has blessed me with and I am so thankful for it. And may I always remember to say 'if it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'