Being Bossy

Expectations are premeditated resentments. ~Kristin Thompson

I had a funny experience this morning that reminded me of this quote. I was sitting here trying to have a quiet time while Bear kept shoving his little wet nose under my hand to pet him. I would pet him for a few minutes...stop...and the nose shoving and gruffing would begin again. I finally looked at him and said, "you are bossy!" In that instant, however, I realized that's how I am so often with God. I want something and I want it NOW. Or I want something in a specific way and THAT'S HOW I want it to happen!

Specifically in the area of children. (Yes we're going there again, sorry!) I always thought we would try to get pregnant and BAM within a month (or maybe a few) we'd be pregnant. When that didn't I happen I imagined all sorts of other options of how it would happen. I've finally (or at least for today) realized I don't know how or if it will happen and I'm not going to try to figure it out anymore either. I'm going to take it one decision at a time.

Let me back up for a second and fill in the details of what has progressed in my life as of recently....

Derek and I found that adoption was heavy on our hearts and we looked into the process. We prayed about it and felt that it was something God had placed there for a reason but we weren't sure of the timing. We decided to go forward with the meeting and filling out paperwork and prayed that if this wasn't God's timing for us that He would "close that door." We had the meeting...we were filling out the paperwork....but we hit a few speed bumps. We kept praying and kept moving forward.

Then we found out that Ethiopia has recently cut their adoptions down to almost none. No one knows right now whether this is a temporary or permanent situation. This happened basically the week before we were about to turn in our official application and processing fee. I'll be honest, I felt defeated, frustrated, and mad. I had thought this would be the way that we would meet our first child...and maybe it still will be, but not right this moment. We are still praying about it but feel that we are in a "wait status" for now. For about a week after this I tried to figure out God's plan and anticipated that maybe I was pregnant and THAT'S why this was happening! As of two days ago, no suck luck. Visited once again by that stupid period fairy. :)

However, there has also been another change in plans. Before all this I had not wanted to get tested for any fertility issues because I had somehow decided that was not MY plan as to how we would have a child. I don't like hospitals or doctors (yes, ironic) and therefore didn't feel the need to go have any testing because it seemed scary and I just plain and simple - didn't want to. I don't have an explanation other than I don't feel so anti anymore.

Long story short (I know, too late) I called to just go get a little minor ultrasound. A no big deal test with no pain and no big deal...just to start me off easy with this whole situation. Again...MY expectation. After talking with Tif (who's had this done) I realized I was actually set up for a pretty major test that is extremely painful and a very big deal. A hysterosalpingogram where they inflate a balloon in your uterus to check for abnormalities and inject dye into your fallopian tubes...all of which I have heard is not a fun experience.

After getting a little upset and frustrated that I wasn't going to have my easy plan of a little dinky ultrasound, and maybe throwing a little fit to God about how this isn't how the plan was supposed to go, I have decided to keep the test and get some answers about my body. Maybe it will lead to something and maybe not, but for now it will be worth it to at least have some answers and at least know if anything is wrong "down there." Maybe our first (or second) child is in Ethiopia and maybe somewhere else....but basically I'm not going to try and figure out those details anymore. I'm waiting, I'm praying, I'm doing what I feel God is leading me to do, and I'm waiting when I feel He's telling me to wait. I'm going to stop premeditating resentments and just start living without expectations. I'm going to go into that appointment on Wednesday and not expect (other than expecting pain!). God's in control and I'm so glad I'm not!

"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain."
~Psalm 127:1

Pruning

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ~John 15:1-2

When I'm experiencing hardship (big or small), I don't typically tend to think of it as a learning or pruning experience. I usually think of it as an annoying experience. It's so hard to remember this! All of life's difficult experiences I can learn from and grow in if I let God work in them. Little nagging annoyances such as traffic, a long wait in the grocery line, running late for a meeting, and so many much larger ones - can all be ways that God can prune me and make areas of my life more fruitful or positive.

Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ~James 1:2-4

Rarely do I feel joyful while going through something I don't like. This verse sometimes makes me laugh to think how frustratingly painful it is to think of joy when you are in pain. When I bruise my shin on the dishwasher door, am I happy? No. Do I want to scream and shout? Yes. But if I let God work in that, He can refine my character and how I react to many other circumstances in letting him control my anger in this small little one. It's so convicting for me to read this verse in James and think how often I don't let a trial or testing develop my perseverance. It also makes me think how many opportunities I've wasted and had to re-live because I didn't learn it the first time.

Now I also know I can't do this on my own. Considering joy in the midst of a storm is practically impossible for me. But with God all things are possible. This reality helps me to remember I don't have to do it on my own and I'm not expected to. Being connected to God and letting Him work in my life will allow everything to become fruitful because He is pruning me. Yes just like a plant. I am being pruned.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ~John 15:5

Hope

I was sent an awesome devotional by my amazing friend Tiffany today that reflected on the difference between what you hope in vs. what you hope for.

I first read it and thought oh that's good. Then I thought about it for another moment and realized there is a big difference between the two. It's easy to answer the what you hope for part. I hope for health and happiness, I hope to have children someday, I hope we pay off our house someday, I hope for lots of things. But reading this made me realize that sometimes those hopes can feel empty or hopeless. On days I struggle with feeling sad about not having children - that hope doesn't sustain me...it can almost bring me down more with the enormousness of how long I feel that I have been hoping, and waiting, for it.

But when I think of what you hope in, that is a completely different question. It's not as simple as everyday circumstances. What I hope in is Jesus. That God is in the driver seat and has a plan for my life that is perfect. I may not be able to see that plan and it can be painful at times but only because I am focusing on the situation at hand, and not on what I hope in. Hoping for can be empty and feel like it may never happen. Hoping for when you really focus on it long enough can shut out all light around it and be a stumbling block and feel never ending. But when I fix my eyes on the truth that is in Jesus and that He has a plan for me, and that I will spend eternity with Him in heaven - that is what I hope in. I know a God who loves me and has the best planned for me even when I don't agree.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~Romans 8:28

When I focus on what I hope in, it makes the what I hope for more bearable. It makes it so that things don't seem forever away or hopeless. It makes the hoping for seem more hopeful. Concentrating on what is real and true and good - that God cares for me and takes care of me and truly has the best for me - that is what I hope in, and what sustains me.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Romans 15:13

Bethany Annual Dinner & Silent Auction

This is the adoption agency that I have been volunteering at as well as the one we will be using for our adoption. They are an amazing group and have this annual fundraiser to provide the rest of the funds to run the business that are not covered through the adoption costs. They purposefully don't charge families as much as is needed to adopt to be able to keep the costs down and then fund-raise for the rest of the funds.

They need people to attend the event but also donations to pay for the event itself. If you, anyone you know, or any business would like to donate please let me know or email the agency below. Any donations of $500 or more will be recognized at the event. Also for donating businesses we can set out cards or flyers with information about them.

Thanks!!!

Bethany Christian Services'

Annual Dinner and Silent Auction
The Power of Love
Saturday, April 30, 2011
6 p.m.

We are pleased to announce that Bethany's Annual Banquet and Silent Auction will be held on April 30, 2011 at 6pm – one week before Mother's Day. Being so close to this special day, we are acknowledging the powerful impact of a parent’s love with this year's theme: The Power of Love. The proceeds from this event will help Bethany find families for children who need the love and nurturing of a permanent family.

Location

The banquet will be held in the Hawthorn Room at the lovely Mountain Park Recreational Center in Lake Oswego, Oregon.

Event Highlights
Silent Auction–Choose from a select group of quality items, including vacation packages. This is an excellent opportunity to go home with a fantastic item and to support Bethany at the same time.

Dinner–Savor every delicious morsel, from the tasty appetizers to the decadent desserts.

Speaker–A Northwest adoptive family will share their personal story. Although this presentation is brief, this is often the highlight of the evening.

Tickets and Registration

We would love for you to join us! Online registration and payment is coming soon, but you can RSVP anytime by contacting the Portland office at 503.200.5748 or by e-mailing oregonevents@bethany.org.

Register - Online Payment

Register - No Online Payment

Individual ticket price: $30.00
Host a Table of Eight: $240.00
Banquet Donor or Sponsor: $500 or more will get a special acknowledgement on the evening of the banquet.

Volunteers
Our volunteer team makes it all come together! Here is a sample of what volunteers can choose to do: procure auction items, invite guests, tell others about the event, set up the item display tables, decorate the venue, make centerpieces, register guests, and pack up at the end of the evening. If you have a willing heart, we have a project and a schedule that works for you! If you would like to help with this year's event, please call the Portland Office at 503.200.5748 or fill out our Volunteer Form.

Sponsors
We are currently seeking sponsors to help underwrite this year's banquet. By underwriting the costs of this event, businesses and individuals make it possible for all the funds raised during the evening to go directly to serving children and families through Bethany Christian Services’ programs. To learn more, please contact the Portland Office at 503.200.5748 or at oregonevents@bethany.org.

Why love orphans?

Saw this video and loved it. Had to share.

Why Love Orphans? from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.

Fear

"You did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave, again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship, and by Him we cry 'Abba, Father."
~Romans 8:15

Fear is a tricky thing. Sometimes you don't even realize you are fearing something and other times it can be painfully obvious. It can creep up and paralyze you before you even have time to think through the logistics of the situation. Fear has become somewhat of a constant battle for me especially in the subject of adoption. There are so many fears I can become a slave to if I allow it. Fear that we wont be able to raise the money to adopt a child. Fear that we will adopt and won't know the first thing about how to raise a child. Fear that I won't be a good enough mother, wife, etc. Fear that I wont catch on quickly enough at my new customer service job. The list can go on and on if I let it.

But that is the key - IF I allow it. All these fears haven't happened. They are just figments of my imagination. I read a great quote the other day that made me realize I am striving to get rid of any fear I feel but sometimes that is not the important part to dwell on. It's continuing on and pursing the path regardless of fear and trusting in God to lead me.

"Courage is not the opposite of fear, it is following your
convictions in the face of fear."
-Dr. John Perkins

How God Changed My Heart In A Big Way

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
~Proverbs 3:5-6

I have been in a battle with God over the past few months and finally lost. He has been burdening my heart and I have tried with all my might to deny it and avoid it but have finally given up my own will for His. It's not that I meant to fight it, but apparently I am very good at convincing myself to be in denial when God is calling me to do big things. And I am amazed at how patient He is with me throughout it. I feel like I'm Bruce in the movie Bruce Almighty where he is praying for a "sign" and keeps running over literal signs that tell him the bridge is ending and doesn't even see them bouncing off the front of his car. That's me. Praying for God to show me His will, Him then answering, and me avoiding at all costs what my heart is telling me because it's not a subject I have not considered doing - it's one that I have literally said I would never do.

Adopt an orphan. A subject I have always thought was just fine and dandy for other people but not something I was made to do. Well this is the subject I have been battling over with God. I even went as far as contacting an adoption agency to volunteer because I was so convinced that must be the reason I was so burdened - but not to actually adopt myself. Especially with how long Derek and I have tried to get pregnant the subject has been a question people have often asked me about. "Would you consider adoption?" The answer was always "no." However, the answer now is still different than a simple "yes."

I still hope to someday bear a child from my own womb. But now I have been burdened with a knowledge that there are children already alive out in third world countries that are in orphanages and they are dying. Their parents are either dead or dying and unable to care for them. Their countries are unable to provide loving foster care or a government system to help them survive. They didn't ask to be born and left alone without family or loving care. They sit alone in orphanages starving for food and even more so for love.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans..." ~James 1:27

My eyes and heart have now been opened to this reality and cannot be closed. Maybe someday I will bare a child with Derek's and my genes and maybe not. But regardless, I know there is a child out there that is meant to be our child, just born through a different means. And the crazy part about this whole situation is that God is already changing my heart to feel a strong love and a protectiveness over this child. I want the best for them and I want to protect them and hold them. I don't know if they are even born yet or when they will enter our lives - but I do know they will.

We are currently praying and fasting about when we should start the adoption process as well as where to adopt from. We both feel that it will most likely be sooner than later and are open to whatever God's plan is. We also feel like Ethiopia is most likely the place from where we will adopt. We would appreciate prayers about this so much as this is, and will continue to be, a huge growing experience for us both.

There are so many fears and grievances for me regarding this subject. I know God will take care of them but they are still there for now. One of the biggest grievances is the loss of the "Perfect-Comfortable-White Pickett Fence-American Dream-Life." I never realized I had this but through coming to the realization that adoption is in our future, I realized this loss was painful. I know that there will be hardships, questions, reactions from un-supportive people, and huge adjustments. I know that people will question us, our choices, and that even walking down the street our family will stand out. I will never again be able to hide from questions, stares, or judgment from others. Since coming to this realization that I even had this notion of "normalcy," however, I have also realized I don't ever want to think like that again. I want to stand out if that is what God has planned for us. Not just in looks but in how I live out my daily life. I want to experience everything God has for us, even the difficult and stretching parts. I want to live a Christ centered life and all that it entails. I want to have a Christ like love for all people - especially the meek and forgotten. Especially the poor and needy. I don't ever want to become so comfortable that I forget to care about others or put their needs before my own. Because that is what Jesus did for me and I pray I will do that for others. Not just in adopting an orphan but in everyday of my life towards all people. I want to make a difference in the lives of others. God changed my heart about adoption but I think that it is just the beginning in a long road of growing closer to Him and becoming more of the woman He created me to be.

"Abba, Father,' he said, 'everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." ~Mark 14:36