One of the biggest struggles I’ve had throughout my life has
been figuring out what my purpose is. I used to think purpose loosely
translated meant career and struggled for years dabbling in all sorts of
different jobs and training classes trying to figure out what career purpose I
was meant to have.
I used to think my purpose was to be a teacher. Then I
started taking teaching classes my senior year of college while working in a
classroom, and realized that this was NOT my purpose nor would it be my career
either. I tried making crafts, I went back to school to be a preschool teacher,
I managed a beauty supply, I looked into photography, writing children’s
literature, worked in a dental office, worked at Starbucks, was a care taker,
was a nanny, and finally decided that my purpose wasn’t a career but that it
was to be a stay at home mom.
I struggled in the waiting to start trying for children so I
could finally pursue my purpose. Then I struggled in the waiting of trying to
get pregnant, adopt, etc. so I could begin living my purpose. During this time
I really tried hard to find my purpose in Christ knowing in my head that was
the correct answer. I did feel that was true at moments in time, albeit brief,
they were relieving. However, in the back of my head I always thought my true
purpose and fulfillment would be to become a mother.
It’s so fitting and crazy to me to realize that only after
finally really letting go of the idea of me being a mother, and embracing my
identity in not being a mother, that I have finally found purpose in my life.
Only in listening to God that that’s not His will for me right now, and admitting it to
myself and others am I finally free to know and truly believe my purpose is in
Christ and in any small or big thing He calls me to do. Everything big or small
has meaning and purpose in my life because it’s ALL God’s will. My purpose
is to listen and do it. Finally I truly feel and know my purpose and it’s the
most amazing and fulfilling feeling in the world. It’s like I wasn’t truly and completely
living until now.
It’s also so interesting to me that the one thing I thought
I wanted the most in this life was the one thing that kept me from hearing God
clearly because my own desires interfered with it. I wanted to believe for the
longest time that it was just my own thoughts, and not God’s, telling me we weren’t
going to have kids. I tried to cover up and ignore the tugging on my heart that
I knew was His prodding and play it off as my own. That confused my ability to
hear God in other things because I held on so tightly to trying to believe my
own voice was God’s.
Now letting go of that allows me to hear Him more clearly in
other areas as well. Some small and some large, but all are so much more
important now that I truly realize that EVERY action, EVERY conversation, EVERY
friendship, EVERY relationship, and EVERY moment is a gift from God and that
there is so much more to them than randomness. God works special moments,
miracles, and so much more through all of those when I allow myself to be more
conscious of the fact that it ALL means something more than just going through
the motions. God has a plan for EVERY moment, and there is PURPOSE in every
moment. I don’t want to let one miracle, blessing, or plan from God slip by
because I’m not paying attention and acknowledging how much more is constantly
going on than meets the eye.
I’ll be honest that sometimes I still grieve the loss of my
plan and desire for children, but I’m also so thankful that I have been able to
realize what my true purpose is through this loss. It’s ironically the most
fulfilling feeling ever. My purpose is not one thing, but to constantly be
aware of God and every minute that He blesses me with, as well as all the
things He wants me to invest in and have purpose through.
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
Psalm 30:11-12
