We attended Derek’s neurology graduation banquet last night
and it was a surreal moment remembering the last time we came to this was 3
years ago. I remember it so vividly because I passed on the wine served that
night because I was hoping I was pregnant and one of the very pregnant
residents there asked if I was. I remember chatting her up about her
pregnancy and gushing about the fact that I was hoping I was too. The excitement of talking about it and imagining our kids together was so fresh. Even though we had already been trying for years it still felt so imminent and certain.
If you would have told me 3 years ago at this banquet that
maybe having children wasn’t in God’s plan for us, I would have laughed at you.
And then probably cried a little…or more accurately, a lot. And if you would
have then told me that though there would be MANY ups and downs (many many downs), that I would
eventually feel an unsurpassed peace and confidence in that plan, and even feel
contently joyful in my life without children I would 100% not have believed
you, not even a little bit. However, that statement is now true in my life and I do accept it with more peace and actual joy than I ever dreamed possible. And that is a true miracle.
I know that you are probably thinking….don’t give
up!...there’s always a way!...or some other form of this. Well, yes I know that
and I do truly thank you for the support and encouragement. We have thought that for
years as well, but we are now coming to terms with the knowledge that not
having children may be in fact exactly what God HAS planned for us rather than
the opposite. It has taken us years to get to this
place of peace in actually accepting that this might be our identity rather
than the identity of being parents. This identity issue has been one of the most difficult, revolutionizing, and most freeing realizations for me. Thankfully I can honestly say that lately I have truly come to terms with my identity as a woman without children of my own. Now, whether
God changes that in the future or not is up to Him, but for today we are not parents and
are relishing in the peace He has given us regarding our identity as
not-parents and the awesome things He has blessed us with as well as the other
responsibilities in life He has given us.
I understand that this is a difficult thing for you to be
reading and to come to peace about because I know how much you also
want the desire of our hearts for children for us as well. And as odd as this
may sound, I’m praying for you to have peace with us. We have gone through this
journey on a daily basis and I know we’ve had more time to process and come to
peace about it and I pray the same for you. I
understand it’s difficult letting go of something you want so badly for someone
else, but in this case it’s not actually letting go of our dreams, but
realizing new and different dreams God is giving us. He is opening us up to
desires of our hearts we never even knew existed. We have only begun to realize
these by accepting our situation and identity in the present as not being
parents, and we would have never gotten to where we are in life without going through this difficult journey and all the experiences God has allowed us to have through this.
The most amazing part about the graduation banquet last
night was hanging out and chatting with some very pregnant residents and some
very pregnant resident’s wives about their pregnancies and children, and being
completely interested and not upset by it at all. I felt the similar excitement,
interest, and joy I felt 3 years ago with the pregnant resident then, but with
what feels like a lifetime of growth in between. I have grieved through years
of waiting and wanting. I have mourned the loss of the identity I thought was
mine as though it were death. I have learned to live, love, and trust in the
God I know and the amazing life and identity He has blessed me with. I am so
thankful for that and ultimately for my identity in Him.
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature;
the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
2 Corinthians 5:17
