I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I've written but they have been filled with the normal ups and downs of life and infertility. As well as quite a few of my friends having babies and a few more announcing pregnancies. Basically...the usual.
One new development, however, has been that about a month ago I finally felt ready to be around / hold babies again! Something I have (honestly) not really wanted to do in almost a year (and haven't done in almost a year as well!). The last baby I held was a sweet couple's baby Jake from our couples bible study when he was only a few weeks old. After they left, I burst into tears and pretty much couldn't control myself for the rest of the day. Since then I have been a bit hesitant (to say the least) to hold any again not wanting a repeat performance.
I am happy to say that about a month ago (right about the time the birthing stories of a few friends started) I was ecstatic to realize that I felt no pit in the stomach punch when I heard they gave birth...I instead felt the intense desire to hold one of those sweet miracles again. After many failed attempts I was finally able to be around and hold 2 friends babies last week (Drew- 7 weeks old, and Peter- 10 days old) and it was wonderful! They were so sweet and tiny! And I didn't even cry. Whoo hoo!! :)
Since then there have been a few more birth and pregnancy announcements and I have held it together quite nicely. By no means am I saying I don't have the typical sad day regarding my situation, but overall I am trying to focus on the happiness of those around me in their situations (as there are a LOT) and also enjoy my time in the now without children or a baby bump. I am continuing to trust that God has a plan that will be revealed in His timing. It's a daily...sometimes hourly decision....but I am choosing to trust Him over myself.
